Fading Light
by MLMsky4life
Summary: He didn’t believe him. L didn’t believe him. So Light ran away and ended up in a suburb of Tokyo, to be left with drug dealers, pimps and rapists. And now, abused, cut and broken, he can only fade away into the darkness.
1. Regret

_A/N: Thanx to **Black-Dranzer-1119** for beta-ing:)_

**_1. Regret_**

It was cold. The filthy stones were hard and grey, and the sound of blood dripping on them was metallic and hard. It was the only sound that could be heard, next to the five-o'clock in the morning traffic in a dark suburb of Tokyo, and the small sounds of a young man softly sobbing and shaking. The young male had a slim build and was extremely beautiful, even through the all the bruises covering his partly nude body, and his expensive clothes ripped. Not that the price was visible anymore. Not that the price mattered anymore…

…Not that anything like that mattered anymore.

A stranger would've thought he was just the average male whore who was taken too hard by his customer, and later got beaten by his boss because he complained. Or just someone drunk and stoned who'd been beaten by other random drunk people. But he was far from that.

Only those who knew him would have known he wasn't someone who would ever drink or sell his body, or go out at a time like this. Especially not in a place like that, surrounded by criminals and other dark people and flooded with alcohol, drugs, abuse and angst. How had he ever got here…? How had he got there, pained and covered in dirt, sweat and blood? A dark red scratch bleed on his face, his left cheekbone broken, his hurt body shook from abuse. His clothes only hung loosely around him in shreds. His black shirt was now sleeveless and most of the buttons that had matched the color and shone of his blood were gone, and the black colouring was steadily intensified by the blood dripping out of the taut, tanned skin. His dark-red jeans were cut down the whole length of the front of his upper legs, which showed fairly deep cuts in the skin right under the cuts in the jeans. Only one of his black sneakers was left, his other feet, clad in a black sock, bled too, and glass pointed out of the flesh. He suddenly winced when he tried to shift to a more comfortable position, and felt pain shoot up his veins from the direction of his bottom. Eyes had shot open, and his pupils wide caused by the unidentified liquid that burnt through his veins.

All over his body, Light Yagami was inflicted by countless cuts that tore and stretched with the slightest of movements. Maybe he'd die. Bleed to death, or just have a heart attack from the substance that burnt in his blood. He'd just break. Fall. Everything would turn black. His whole body hurt, but it was nothing compared to what he felt inside. He was broken… so goddamn broken.

"_Ryuzaki..._

_I think I love you."_

Light winced again when he thought about that guy. _THAT _guy. L. Ryuzaki. Ryuga. However you'd like to call him. Oh god, how only the thought about him hurt so damn bad. L broke him. L. L…

Light began to sob harder, and his bruised chest began to shake. It was all _HIS_ fault. It was _HIS_ fault Light was here, in this state, with these wounds.

"_Ryuzaki, I love you."_

_Light stared at the black-haired man in front of him, as he expected a soft smile or just a small nod and a hug. L has been so nice to him these days. Light would swear L liked him too. _

_Maybe even loved. _

_He'd been living for this moment for so long. Ever since he knew L._

_He'd already imagined what would happen next. L would say: 'Yes, I know, Light-kun,' and take Light in his arms, and stare in his eyes for a moment before kissing him. Or, in the worst case, he'd smile sadly at Light and mutter a soft 'Sorry, Light-kun,' and touch his face before just going on with whatever he was doing, in this case dressing up after a hot shower. But the half-naked L in front of Light hadn't smiled kindly. In fact, his face suddenly turned into stone, a cynical twitch around his lips that never reached his dark eyes._

"_Light-kun says he loves me? I'm surprised."_

That look. Light squeezed his eyes shut, and tried to ban the icy-cold look on L's face out of his mind, together with his cutting words.

_Light blinked._

"_Huh? Why do you say that…? Surprised?"_

_His eyes suddenly widened… this sounded bad._

"_This is especially what I expected you to say, Kira. Telling me you love me, and seduce me, trying to make me become attached to you, trying to take my heart and lock it up in that malicious black hole of yours-"_

_Light felt his heart turn into deep-frozen stone._

"_Ryuzaki, what are you saying? Trapping you? Locking you up? No, I don't mean it like that, I'm not Kira, I want-"_

_Light could already hear that he sounded too panicked._

"_The percentage of you being Kira just increased to 98%, Kira-kun. What? Are you shocked your plan is uncovered…? Ridiculous. Try coming up with something better, and less predictable."_

_The brunette felt his heart missing a beat. Ridiculous? His love? A plan…? Did he mean this…? Predictable… Plan? No!_

"_No, Ryuzaki, I don't mean it like that, I love you and I-"_

"_-Am Kira and try to kill you. Yes, I already figured that."_

_L sounded annoyed, as if Light were a little child asking for sweets too often. It cut. It cut in Light's chest, and even more did the ice-cold look on L's face when he turned to Light again._

"_You have ten seconds to take back those words. I don't want to hear them, right? I don't want to hear those lies. One…"_

"_Ryuzaki, please, don't be so mean, I mean it-"_

"_Two…"_

_Tears pricked behind Light's eyes._

"_Please, Ryuzaki, I'll do anything, please, please believe me…"_

"_Three…"_

_Drops of salty liquid had begun to stream out of honey brown eyes._

"_Oh, God, Please, don't do this to me, I'm BEGGING! Would Kira do that?"_

_L looked at Light with a stare that made absolutely clear that Kira WOULD do something like that, if he already planned something unworthy like seducing L. The pink lips parted again as they continued their countdown._

"_Four…"_

"_Ryuzaki…"_

_Light had then felt thick and warm tears roll over his cheeks. L…_

"_Five…"_

_He__ planted his hands against his ears in a vain attempt to block out those words, but L's words cut right through them._

"_Six…"_

_L only watched the shaking brunette fall on his knees in front of him, as he thought it was just a perfected act his Kira-suspect was performing. Amused, he wondered how far he could take this, and so he continued._

"_Seven…What, aren't you going to admit, Kira? Eight…"_

"_P-please..."_

"_Nine…"_

"_Ryu-Ryuzaki…"_

"_Ten."_

_Not willing to give up, Light had looked up at L to look right in his eyes, trying to make clear this wasn't an act at all. He shook, panted slightly, and felt the sweat drop all over his face. _

"_I-I…I really love you, I really do, I love you so much…"_

_A shot of belief had finally worked its way through L's mind, and one brief moment, he almost bent over, picked Light up and carried him to the bed. He had wanted to lie him down softly and apologize for being so cruel, but then he had suddenly realized why he was doing this to the creature that shook and sobbed quietly as it lay at his feet._

"_No, Kira. You don't. You want to kill me. You want to have me dead. You want to see the life stream out of my eyes when I lie in your arms and look up at your face…"_

"_N-no, Ryu, I don't want to, I want to be with you, I-Please! I don't want you dead! You scare me! I-I…Please…"_

_All Light's hope flowed away when he saw the iron-hard look on L's face, his eyes filled with disgust, scorn, hate and…pity. _

_Pity? _

_Pity for Light?_

_Pity for Light being Kira? _

_Pity for Light wanting him dead? _

_But… Light didn't want him dead…!_

_L briefly looked at the handcuffs, which weren't cuffed around Light's wrist now, because L and Light had been getting dressed. Light noticed too. _

"_Ryuzaki, do you really mean everything…? You don't believe I love you…? You think I'm Kira wanting you dead…?"_

"_Yes, Light. I do. And no matter what you say, I won't believe you."_

"_Fine, thanks for clearing that up for me."_

_Light had thrown a broken look in L's direction as he dressed himself in silence and made his way to the door of their apartment, before he left his love behind. He hadn't noticed L's face soften and eventually turn into an expression of pure sadness. He hadn't registered his father asking him where he was going or why he wasn't attached to L. He hadn't even realized the fact that he had walked outside while it was after eleven. He hadn't noticed the way the weird stares turned eager as he walked deeper and deeper into the smaller alley. More and more bars, prostitutes and coffee shops appeared, and people watched and whistled to him, throwing seductive looks his way, as everything became darker, filthier and more dangerous for a young guy like him._

_He soon regretted it._

* * *

Light sobbed harder and buried his destroyed face in his hands. He regretted it. He regretted coming here, and for having let everything happen. He regretted going out in general. He regretted the handcuffs being gone at _that_ moment. He regretted choosing_ that_ moment of confessing to L.

But what he regretted most was confessing to L.

Oh god, L. If Light could only see his face once more, he would tell him he's sorry and hear L apologize back; and tell him he believes him… and maybe even return Light's love. Light closed his eyes as he attempted to disappear into the fantasy for a second. Only him and L. He ignored the pain everywhere in his body and tried to find a more comfortable position again, but a sudden kick against the back of his head made everything turn black.

* * *

Light ran. Light ran away from everything; away from L; away from his own stupid self-humiliation. Away from the way it got responded. The young brunette hadn't noticed it as he ran through people as they smoked drugs and looked around for some nice human flesh to take, until a hand appeared from out of nothing and groped him.

Light suddenly came back to earth, and forgot L for a second. What…? How did he get here…? His legs hurt, like he'd been running for a while. He stopped to look around. Next to him was an old man without proper teeth and with scary eyes, a giant hump in his back and in one hand a little transparent bag with white powder. He had one hand on Light's ass and looked at Light's tears curiously. He began to wave to Light to come with him, and Light suddenly realized what that… old man thought he must be. He took a step back and began to walk away from the man, looking for a sign to where he could go to, away from this man. Maybe a hotel. Maybe home. Somewhere! Why didn't he lie next to his Deliciously Sweet Snow White Sleeping Beauty again…?

Ah. That hurt. The thought of L. L didn't love him. L didn't love Light. Light would never be able to sleep next to L again, without all the humiliating thoughts or the accusation of being Kira and wanting to kill him. Light felt his tears beginning to prick again. Oh, no. Not here. Not here, surrounded by all the people thinking he was looking for someone to take him harshly and give him money or drugs afterwards. Not surrounded by all the people he didn't belong to. Light noticed that most of the people here were men. Young man walked around in the filthy and neon-lit streets with their hips moving, looking at the older men eagerly. And the older men, looking back at the young men, waving with drugs and money, or searched for a good place to take care of business. Shit. He wasn't safe in here… He had to get out of here, and now.

Suddenly, a girl appeared. A girl, for about his age, probably… He only saw the back of her black-haired head, but maybe she knew where he should go to…!

Light walked to her and muttered a shy and slightly out of character "U-uhm…"

The girl turned around to show a nice face, resembling Sayu a bit. Light sighed in relief. "Do you know where I could go to, I'm lost, and-"

"Oh, sweet, are you lost…? Come, let me help you."

Before Light knew it, the soft-voiced girl had taken his hand and was now leading him to… an old building with red lights in the windows. Red lights? Oh no, could it be that this girl is a…!

He tried to get away, but the girl was much stronger and Light somehow felt weaker. Maybe because of his mental state, maybe because he refused to hit a girl, especially one that resembled Sayu… However, she pulled him into the building to the back of the big, dark and damp room filled with young and old men again, to a big man standing to them with his hairy back.

"Here, Shark. 60.000 Yen, please."

The tall and broad man turned around. He had a moustache and a big nose and stared at Light's face and body, inspecting every single inch, and even asked him to turn around. Light only stared at him, his brains working at full-speed.

No good. This girl must've used herself as an enticement for young guys that walked around here, trying to get them with her to this 'Shark'-guy, and sell them to him to let Shark make prostitutes of them… Light briefly looked around to notice the other young males sitting around looking at Light. Some of them looked quite scared of Shark, and some looked at Light as if trying to warn him to get away now that he had the chance. The older men looked at him eagerly.

Light felt the girl release his hand, and suddenly remembered the open door behind him. He looked at the closest young man around, a dark guy with an older man practically licking his arm, to receive a short 'You can go now'-nod. Light gave a small nod back to turn around and ran away as fast as he could. He hit someone in the face doing that, and he suddenly received a scary glance of the older man who had just been trying to molest him. Light ignored him, jumped off the stairs forming the entrance of the old building and used all the power he could to run away. Run. Away. He fully focused on the voices behind him trying to catch him, and didn't notice all the people he was pushing away. He zigzagged across the streets and alleys, relieved as the voices behind him faded away. He continued running for a while and stopped to lean against a wall with his head hanging and panting heavily. Oh, God. How did he ever get here. He vaguely remembered fresh air brushing through his hair as he walked out of the Headquarters. The Headquarters! He had to go back…! He'd go back and maybe sleep in front of it or share a room with Misa. Everything, but he had to go back. Light noticed the tears being back again, falling down to the filthy ground. He began to look at his surroundings. He stood in the middle of a small and dark alley, walls filled with graffiti and loaded with trash bins. It smelled funny. Light had smelled this before. Yes, he smelled the penetrating smolder of urine, but also something smoking and herby… Weed? It became stronger…

A hand suddenly appeared out of nowhere to grab his wrist, and the second one placed itself over his mouth to pull him against a hard chest. _'A chest?' _Light looked again to notice that someone who smelled of beer and must be more than six and half feet tall was holding him and not letting him go.

"Look what we have here…"

Suddenly, three more men appeared.

The first one was tall, smiled widely scarily with yellow teeth and hair, heavy-looking necklaces and a pipe in his hand. The second one was fatter, with a too tight and filthy shirt showed the thick rolls of fat all over his belly, and revealed a big black-red dragon on his arm, and a brown stick between his hairy lips that explained the herby smell around. He was carrying a pipe too.

The third one was a small, scrawny boy, probably not too much older than Light. He somehow resembled a chicken, his nose was pointy and his lips broad and weak, and he had far too skinny legs. More like sticks, actually. Light almost laughed, but suddenly noticed the gun in the little boy's hand. The boy noticed the changes in Light's eyes and poked Light's stomach with his toy-like, but therefore probably real weapon.

"What were you thinking, you egg?"

Light's eyes widened. This… school boy calling _HIM_ an egg? But his thoughts were interrupted by a yellow-teethed man, who shoved the younger boy away and studied Light's body intently. Light tried to move away from those eyes; they didn't look sane... But the big man behind him who had one wrist in his much larger hand had turned it a few grades to make Light scream out in pain, but stopped his breathing with his hand. Light suddenly felt his head getting lighter.

The yellow-teethed man had his eyes now fixed on Light's crotch, and licked his lips.

"Buddy, keep him. I'd prefer a chick, but this one doesn't look bad either."

Light's eyes widened once again. _'What…? This guy is going to…? No, no way.'_ He tried to kick the guy away when he began to untie his belt, but the Chicken and the fat guy grabbed his legs and held them down. The huge man behind him took his other wrist in the same hand that he was holding the first wrist in; the other hand still covered his lower face. He was defenseless. No way could he get out of this. Light let out a soft cry when he felt the fingers of the tall guy slide over his lower belly, getting a reaction out of his lower regions. He tried not to react in any way, not to give in, and hoped helplessly to find a way out. He felt one hand creep up his chest, under his shirt and a horrible and wet tongue sliding over his lower belly, while the other hand pulled down his jeans and grabbed his crotch, and began to squeeze and move. A horrible feeling crept up his stomach, his whole body rejecting the touches, except from where the bulge was growing in his black boxers. Light felt everything he ate the last few hours as it crept back up his throat, the perfect steak Watari had made him, the strawberries with chocolate he'd shared with L, and their piece of cake, lying on their stomachs next to each other, laughing, legs and shoulders touching. Light had taken the cake out of L's reach, and they'd been rolling and playfully fighting on their bed for it, and _THERE_ Light had decided he'd tell him…

God, without that cake he would have never told him; and then he would've been sleeping next to him and listening to his soft breathing right now… But no, the filthy hands were still molesting his body, one hand made his hips push back every time in an attempt to feel more, no matter what his brains told them to do… And the other three bodies were just keeping him from talking or moving his limbs, defenseless and trying not to feel the torture the touches gave him-

"Hey!"

Suddenly, the touches stopped and the hold on his body loosened, until it completely vanished into the darkness.

Light dove to his knees to pull up his jeans, before he looked up at the man who saved him.

A revolver was pointed to his forehead.


	2. Hesitation

_A/N: I'm re-editing this story because stupid FanFiction edited all the line break things awayXDXD so if you don't see any A/N's: They have been there onceXD_

_**2. Hesitation**_

BANG

A shot.

A shot that could be heard all through the suburb where a young man was lost.

A sharp, echoing shot that made people stop to turn in the direction where they thought it came from.

A heart-freezing shot that could break skulls, cut honey-brown hairs and send a pretty genius' brains and mind into nothingness.

Yagami Light gasped, feeling weak as his face turned a deathly pale. The sound of the explosion made everything stop. Light thought he saw his eyelids fall in front of his eyes, as he seemed to blink in slow-motion.

And then, the metallic clack of a gun falling down on the stones a few meters behind Light. He opened his eyes. Everything slowly moved again. Time continued; the sounds of the suburb were still there.

He slowly looked around, feeling that he could still move, to see a second gun pointed at the chicken, whose gun lay at his feet. It looked broken.

Light was alive though, and he hadn't been shot. He looked at the man who held the proved-to-be-real-revolver and the one still pointed at Light. For a second, Light wondered where L had learnt to shoot that well, but then he realized this man didn't look like the childish panda-cat named L at all. He was dark, probably in his late thirties, wild bangs of hair covering his head, with a few small stripes of dark grey between them. He had a broad jaw, looked as if he hadn't shaved in three days, and small, dark brown and slightly silly eyes. He was tall too, taller than Light or L with his full six feet. He looked kind, forgetting the murder weapons he carried with him and knew how to use.

"You kiddo's leave!" He shouted at the gang who only had pipes left to fight. They immediately left, the yellow-toothed guy licking his lips as he gave Light one last look over. Once they left, the revolvers disappeared in the man's big brown coat with fur collar. It looked expensive, Light realized. Neat. Not like all the other people he'd seen in that… _'neighborhood'_. For as far as there were nice neighbors living in this place.

"Those kiddo's have no idea."

The man turned to Light and studied him. His expensive, neat and fitted clothes, his hair messed up, sweaty face with traces of tears lingering on his cheeks. His shocked, but still wondered expression.

"Yur a newbie here?" The man asked. He had a funny way of pronouncing, not fully clear, as if he was stoned, but his eyes looked clear so Light assumed he wasn't stoned. Though he had no experience with stoned, drunk or somehow wasted people so Light wasn't sure his opinion counted for much. He was quiet for a few seconds, not sure how to answer.

The man took it as a 'yes' and walked to the gun the chicken had left, picked it up and looked at it. After a few seconds, he shrugged and threw it into a bin. Light didn't know if he should smile or be scared. The man was comfortable with guns. Maybe a little too much…? But just throwing something like that away… Light had touched his Dad's secret police gun when he was a little, only once. He'd found it beautiful, but knew what it could do and didn't dare to touch it in the beginning, afraid it would shoot if he'd do something wrong with it. After a while, Soichiro had taken his hand and softly laid it on the handle of the gun, while mumbling, "Here, we'll do it together. It's not scary".

The man looked at his other two guns, slightly worried, like how Soichiro would look at Light when he was sick or something.

Maybe L knew how to use a gun. L. Light wanted to go back. Just to see L once again. And go to his Dad. He was assaulted and he could've been dead by now, all he wanted was going back and cry out on a shoulder, preferably his Dad's or L's. A hand waved in front of his face, pulling Light out of his thoughts, as so many people had done in his life.

"Hey, boy, yur a dreamer? You okay? Are you stoned? Hey!"

Light blinked. Shit, he was dreaming again… And suddenly he realized he hadn't been saved yet. The man looked kind, but that didn't mean he actually was kind. Maybe he was a rapist. Shit… What could he do…? The man was standing close enough to grab his arm and keep him from running away. And Light wanted to keep his legs, and running away could mean them being shot off efficiently. The man noticed his distrust.

"Yur no newbie, you're not even from here. I'm right-o?"

Light pierced the man's eyes with his gaze, and the dark eyes looked straight back. Like Light was all too familiar with. He shuddered. What could he say…? Showing that he knew it around here could mean being prostituted or left alone again without anyone defense at all… Or both. But then, he could try to find his way back again alone. He felt his pockets. No cell phone. Could he find a map from this place..? Where should he seek…? The chances of being raped where extremely high, especially for him, no matter how he looked at it…

On the other side, being honest and tell he was lost could also mean being prostituted, but there he had a chance that the man helped him and brought him back. That would probably mean being raped too. Light felt his stomach twitch, and the taste of the strawberries and steak turned back... Sickening. Light wanted to puke. What should he do? _What should he do…?_ What would L do…?

The man smiled.

"Nope, yur not from here."

Shit. Light had been quiet for too long. He helplessly searched for a way out, but couldn't find one… He forced out the breath he was holding, and ignored the hump of nerves being electric in his stomach and chest. His throat felt narrow. And a big hand patted his cheek. The man looked worried.

"Hey, boy, you can talk now… It's okay…They're gone. Yur never assaulted before, right-o? You gotta get outta here. Where are you from…?"

Light gulped. The man could lead him wherever he wanted. He had no indication in what direction the bright world must be. Light realized he had to say something, the man wouldn't stay patient for too long, Light thought. And what would happen then…

"I-I can't tell you where I live, you should understand that."

The man blinked and looked at Light with sincere surprise in his eyes. He blinked twice.

"Y-yep, I get it…You can talk? Need help?"

Light hesitated again, too long, and the man decided that Light needed help, badly.

"Hey, boy, I can bring you wherever you want, y'know… Come over at my place for a sec. To cool down."

Light already knew where it would lead to. He'd be raped. In that guy's place. He still felt sick. He didn't want to. Only the idea of that guy…

But, there was a chance of going home after that…He didn't look like he'd throw Light away after he was done. And not going with this guy could mean being shot, or being raped multiple times by other, less hygienic guys around here… Light breathed in.

"Just say it; you're going to rape me as soon as I'm there. You're not planning on helping me at all."

Light wanted to close his eyes, but he held them focused on the man. The man shot Light a slightly hurt look, but understanding at the same time... And silly.

"Ur a virgin? It'd be a waste to steal it, there's someone outside who deserves it… We'll see how'd goes when we're there."

Light looked stunned. What was he saying? Light a virgin? Damn it, he was! He wanted to give it to his L.

L.

Sweet L… Light suddenly wondered what L must have been doing at that very moment. Maybe he was thinking about him and Light. Maybe he actually changed his mind and believed him now. Maybe he was already searching for Light. Maybe even desperately…?

Or maybe he still didn't believe him, maybe he'd told the Taskforce that Light had done something that 'raised the percentage of the possibility of Light being Kira to 93%' and walked away to make L look like the bad guy… Maybe he'd just put the handcuffs away and crawled into the bed, happy to have it all for him. He was probably eating strawberries right now, lying on his tummy like he did more often when he tried not to think about anything, though both was hard for him… Light loved when he did that. It accentuated the shape of his butt, and he had less opportunity to notice Light groping him with his eyes…

Light made a mental note to be less stalkery around L. He must've been quite annoying… But first, he'd go back. Maybe he'd be brought to a place he knew, after that man had gotten what he wanted… And he sure would, he had two guns and Light didn't want to die. With or without L, he wanted to live, to go back and remain pure, if it could…

Light gulped and gave a short nod, by lack of better choices. The man smiled and took his hand (L's hands were way softer, Light noticed) and pulled him out of the alley, into the streets, where most of the people stared at them. Some because they wanted Light. Some because they appeared to know the guy and greeted with a "Robby, man whadda you have there!", and some simply because almost everyone looked. Light saw a glimpse of the scary old man that had touched his butt, and the creepy and toothless smile. He unconsciously moved a little closer to 'Robby'.

After a while, Robby stopped in a bigger street where cars carelessly crossed over the dirty asphalt. He searched in his pockets for a key, and Light looked around. It still didn't look exactly sane; there were still coffee shops, clubs and high or drunk people everywhere, and hardly any women. They still leered at Light, and he hoped that Robby would find the keys quickly when two big and bold men on the other side of the street stopped and openly stared at him. He felt relief when the metallic 'click' of the door opening filled the street, and he followed Robby six stairs up, to a corridor that smelled like cigarettes and dust, and a bit like paint. No pee or weed, luckily. Robby opened a green door with a window next to it, and let Light in.

"Here y'are. Coffee?"

Light muttered a soft "No, thanks…" and walked into the apartment. It was quite clean and small, but it looked a little bigger thanks to the big windows leading to a balcony. Light noticed a proper security system. There was an old couch, and Light sat down while Robby hung up his coat. Light felt his stomach tied up. He was so horribly stupid for going with this man into his _apartment._ Maybe that guy was a murderer, Light didn't know… Maybe he would be raped, even though the man said he wouldn't… He wanted to cry, and go home. Back to the helpless Kira-case, back to Misa and her annoying behavior, back to Aizawa, Mogi and Watari. Back to the way Matsuda always drenched Light's jeans in black coffee every time he had some in his hands. Back to his Dad.

And his L.

When he thought about it, he didn't know what the guy was doing and it would definitely be something sexual, but simply getting him off sounded like a fair price for going back. Though it was humiliating, the dark man didn't seem to make a big deal of it. And he already was touched and licked by the yellow-teethed guy…

And it was strange, but Light somehow felt a certain trust. He had moments in his life that much more alarm bells had rang in his ears, and that he'd felt much more suspicious and anxious. He sighed. What could he do? Robby would get what he wanted, Light would never be able to shoot someone, even not when he took that guy's guns away from him. Robby came in and sat next to him on the couch, and looked at him.

"Whuz yur name?"

Light wondered if he should tell the man his real name… There was no proof 'Robby' was his real name, either. He decided to lie, the first name he could come up with.

"I am Rue."

Rue. Rue Ryuzaki. L's favorite fake name. Blegh, it was so cliché to use your love's (fake) name as yours, but like this it was more likely that Light would react when 'his' name was called. Funny. Now Rue was a double-fake-name. Three-double, actually. But Light had no time to think about the origin of L's fake name.

"Well, Rue, whad doez bring you here…? Boy like you doesn't fit here. And yur lost. Why? Trouble with boyfriend? Saw you running around, cryin'."

Light's heart begun to pound, and tears pricked behind his eyes. It was. And it didn't matter if this man knew it or not, actually. No matter how this would end, this man didn't know L, and would never meet him. Light was talking before he realized it.

"Yeah, he didn't believe I loved him, no matter what I said or did. He said I wanted to control and kill him…"

Robby still looked at him, a bit worried.

"And do you wanna control and kill him?"

Light balled his fists in pain and burned holes in them with his eyes.

"No, I love him so much. I never thought I'd meet anyone I could love, but half a year ago I met him, we grew closer and I thought he loved me too…"

Light felt thick tears burn his cheeks; he buried his face in his hands and sobbed helplessly, his shoulders shaking. What the hell was he doing…? Talking to a stranger like this, in that stranger's apartment, lost, abused and maybe raped in seconds… He couldn't help but sob even harder, crying out his heartache and assault, how those horrible hands had crept up his stomach, how that tongue feeling like a wet, hard and glibbery snail glided over his abdomen, and that hand in his crotch, while he couldn't but move his hips into it… He felt so horribly filthy. He wanted to take a hot shower, or better, get another body, leave this one behind. No, wait… This was his body, where he was so proud of… He slid a hand under his shirt to touch the spot where the tongue had been. It felt horrible, and there were still traces of saliva on it. Light tried to rub it off, when he saw a glass of water in front of his face.

"Didn't put drugs in it. It's safe."

Light doubted if he could trust the guy, but he didn't feel like it did any matter. He tasted the water. Just water. Right, there were probably enough drugs without taste or color, but you couldn't know… He took another sip and calmed down a little, and not because of possible sedatives in it. He felt a little safer. This guy would bring him back. Robby patted on his back softly.

"Yeah… Yur guy isn't too smart if he doesn't believe thoz tears…"

Light snorted. That _was_ the problem. L was too smart. He'd always find a way to believe what he wanted. And Light did too, thinking L would love him…

"He wuz probably afraid to be rejected later, or bein' used…Maybe yur too pretty for him."

Light stared at the black screen of the small but proper television in front of him.

"But… He's pretty too, in his own way… He's far too skinny, and he hunches over; but he's tall, so it doesn't look bad on him… His skin is perfect, his hair is unruly and his eyes are black-underlined and wide, but so deep… Blank and intense at the same time. I always thought I could see through them, but I was wrong…"

Strange. Light had never talked about L in that way. Never. Light felt a hand wipe away his tears.

"Didde say he didn't love you?"

Light blinked, thinking about everything he and L had said.

No.

L had never said so.

L had never said _he_ didn't love _Light_.

An at the same time a so delighting and horrifying thought. L loved him too. L loved Light, if not he'd definitely said so. Light had been right… But if L didn't_ want_ to return it… A cold hand wrapped itself against Light's heart.

'_No matter what you say, Light-kun._'

The look in L's eyes. Pity. It wasn't Light who was hurt the most, it was L. L loved Light, but didn't return it for probably more than one reason… God, Light could think of ten reasons why L would reject him, though he loved him.

Robby took Light's face in his hands and rubbed his cheeks with his thumbs.

"Yur so damn beautiful, Rue…"

Light's stomach turned when he heard that name. It felt wrong. It felt like destroying the purity of that name, though he knew it was fake… He suddenly felt two lips surrounded by hard hairs press on his. What? No! Light tried to move away, and Robby looked surprised when he pulled back.

"N-no…" Light huffed, slightly panicking.

Robby blinked. "Just lemme hold you, Rue… Wanna admire you."

Light gulped. He knew something like this would happen, but… He didn't want it to… And this was getting personal, he felt. Creepy. Stalkery. His stomach twitched sickeningly. Robby nodded.

"Wanna strip for me, then…? Wanna admire you…"

Robby looked downright dumb when he said this. Light was stunned. What did that guy want…? Seducing him before getting raped? No way.

"I kno' what yur thinking… Like I said, I'm not gonna rape you. Trust me."

Light didn't know what to think. Then, he realized the man still had two guns. He wondered what was the best thing to do. He could strip his shirt off and leave. Yes, that seemed good.

"Right, I'll strip off my shirt for you, and you'll bring me to the Teito Hotel, right?"

From there, he'd find his way back.

The man nodded. "Right-o. I won't do you any harm, Rue."

Light stood up, and walked to the middle of the room, to turn to the man. The sooner he had this done, the sooner he'd be back in the Headquarters. He fiddled with the highest bloody-red button on his black vest, and pulled it open, revealing a part of his collarbones. Robby looked.

The next button. And the one after that. Robby stared at Light, almost in disbelief, when he showed more creamy and sun-kissed skin. Not exactly the image of a pervert who did this every day, or looked down on Light. Another button. Light soothed his own chest and slid the shirt over his shoulder. Robby almost gasped. Light somehow begun to feel sexy. This man obviously adored him, not used, and Light had never failed reading emotions off someone's face. Not even L's, it seemed. The man blinked in a way that could've been in a dictionary next to the word 'silly'. Light didn't dislike it.

Light popped open his other buttons, slowly, and moved elegant circles with his hips, stretching and tensing his belly on purpose, to accentuate his muscles. He looked Robby right in the eyes, showing he wasn't scared, or a weak little creature crying on another one's couch all day long. Robby shifted. He somehow looked scared, as if Light made him think of something. It gave Light a kick. He slowly bared his whole belly and chest, and shoulders, and let the shirt glide over his lower arms, straight to the ground. He'd already came that far, and it didn't feel bad anymore. Why not push it a little furtherer?

'_Fuck you, L.'_

Light slid a hand over his nipple, while sighing softly. It was an act, he goddamn knew that, but it obviously aroused Robby. He begun to pant, and really looked scared now. Light, a virgin, hah. He probably was a virgin himself, that guy. Light felt the satisfaction of ruling over someone else he was so familiar with. He leaned his head back a little, and crept with his other hand over his belly. He knew he'd get another reaction out of the poor man with this. He dropped on the couch, his other nipple going hard too when his back touched the cold leather of the couch. This time, his gasp wasn't an act.

The next moment, he felt two hands on his chest. And he realized it weren't his own. Robby was caressing his upper body, up and down the muscles he'd been showing, over his ribs, nipples, collarbones and shoulders, and Robby pushed him on his back softly, staring at his face.

"Yur boy has no idea whud he rejected, Rue."

Light gulped, and Robby noticed.

"Surry, I reminded you of him, Right-o?"

Light stared at the man for a minute. He somehow reminded him at L. L was younger, prettier, less silly (though he could look silly too if he wanted to, but in a cute way), and his gaze was hypnotizing, but this man… Something in those eyes… A certain intelligence, the idea that they looked deeper than most of the eyes that looked in his…

He got a shock when he realized L had looked at him too, like this. Adoration. L had looked like this all the time when they stared at each other. Minute after minute they could sit like that, only the two of them, just staring in each other's eyes. Not uncomfortable. Light had thought of that look as…curiosity and equality. It probably had been like that too, but… Adoration… Damn it, Light hadn't seen through L's eyes all the way! He felt so horrible for missing it. L…

His L…

Robby muttered a soft 'surry' and soothed the soft locks in Light's neck. His other hand touched Light's nipple, and Light arched into the touch with a soft breath. It didn't feel bad. L's face slowly faded away as the fingers continued their touching. His breath went a little faster, and faster…The hands were big, hard with short fingers that touched him with hesitation.

Light's breath stopped. They weren't soft.

It wasn't L. It wasn't L who was touching him.

Light's eyes shot open.

He sat up, glancing at Robby, who looked back, and nodded.

"I think it's time to get you to Teito, Rue."

Light nodded too.

"Yes… I think so."

Robby handed him a little post-it block with a pen.

"Write the number of yur boy's cell, for when something happens."

Light hesitated. L's number… Oh, right. L was used to things like this; he knew how to handle a stranger calling. Light wrote down the number and handed it to Robby.

"This should be it, if he didn't change his phone number during the time I was gone…"

Robby sincerely laughed, sounding a bit like the type of dog that waited everyday for his bossy, and protected the house for thieves. Light grinned. He pulled on his black shirt and closed the buttons, Robby watching. This wasn't that bad. He didn't feel used. Almost… comforted. He felt like he could talk to L now, without having a mental breakdown.

When they walked into the street again, people stared at them again. Light felt uncomfortable and stayed close to Robby. Robby didn't hold his hand, though. He was clearly thinking the same as Light: Things happened and Light wasn't going to stick with him much longer. There was no need to. Light still wasn't one hundred percent sure he'd be brought to Teito, but he decided he couldn't do anything about it. He hadn't been raped; nothing against his will had happened. Except from the kiss, but he'd kissed so many people in his life he liked less; girls.

And if he decided he didn't trust Robby and tried to run away, there was, again, the probability that he'd be raped by others. They walked through streets Light didn't know, without saying anything. Cars passed, buildings appeared to disappear again after a while, the streets were lit by an orange glow and the neon lights everywhere.

The streets got broader, the shops got less filthy and bigger, the amount of stares decreased and Light's heart jumped up when he realized he knew his surroundings; His Mum used to take him there when he was a little and she wanted him to go shopping with her. A big warehouse with now people smoking joints in front of it, where he'd found the big escalators so wonderful that he'd wanted to play on them all day long. And where he had his precious Dipsy-pajama from, the green one with the little moons on it. It still lied in the back of his closet, hidden by his other clothes accentuating his slim figure and 5'8". He usually threw clothes away when they didn't fit anymore, but this one had been too precious. He'd worn it for four years, until it really got too small and the color had almost disappeared (Dipsy and the little moons hadn't).

Light smiled. If he wasn't welcome in the headquarters for some reason, he'd still be welcome in his own house. His mother would be delighted if he told him he and Misa had relation problems, and he needed to stay home for a day. And, he missed Sayu.

"Twenty minutes and we're there, Rue."

Light turned his head to thank Robby. Thank him for everything. For saving him from the gang, picking him up, comforting him, listening to him, bringing him back and not trying to do anything with him. For letting him alive in general. There was so much Light wanted to say. He opened his mouth to speak, when the dull sound of a wooden bat echoed through the small street filled with closed clothing shops and barbers. Light stared in disbelief at Robby's form making its way to the red bricks, one of his guns gliding out of his pockets, little spats of blood coloring the stainless material.

It took him a few seconds to realize that Robby was lying in front of him, not showing any signs of life, blood seeping out of his head and forming a small puddle on the stones. He looked up to meet the gazes of two bold and broad guys, probably identical twins. They were tall, taller than Robby's six feet, low and thin eyebrows almost hanging over creepy little eyes. Both were wearing filthy jeans and boots, and a leather jacket. One held a wooden bat in his hands. Light realized it were the men who watched him and Robby go into the flat where Robby lived.

"Yup, thaz 'im… That cop trying to save lil' virgins. He'z quite easy to hit, huh huh…"

They laughed, and looked at Light.

"Here's another virgin… Wadda we do wid' him…?"

A creepy and black-teethed smile.

"He's gonna bring us lotsa money…"


	3. Hurt

**3. Hurt**

Light froze and stared at the two men in front of him, suddenly feeling horribly vulnerable and small. No, he was saved? How did this all happen? Lots of money? Hell, they wanted to sell his virginity!

And how the heck did everybody know that, actually?

He noticed he was shaking; full of new energy fed by angst and ready to run away. Suddenly he remembered the network of little streets and alleys behind him. Maybe he could find a safe place to call a taxi, and policemen… He looked at Robby one last time, turned around and sprinted into the quiet web of alleys and shops, praying for Robby to be alive, promising to come back and help if he had the chance.

He heard the men scream behind him to stop, cursing and panting, forced to drag more than Mogi's weight and height with them in their hunt for Light, who was a lightweight and had always had a great condition. He heard them slow down, and realized he'd almost lost them. He ran a little longer to be sure, and dove into a smelly street with a lonely coffee shop and closed or failure bars and restaurants. Light stopped and looked around if the men weren't behind him before he stopped to pant and feel his head and ears throb painfully, his throat raw from the cold autumn night.

Robby.

Light had to get help, somewhere! As fast as possible. Who knew what could happen to Robby if Light left him there for too long…? Maybe he could call the police, they could pick Light up and bring Robby to the hospital…No, he didn't know anything about Robby. Maybe he had problems with the police, for reasons that didn't interest Light right now.

Maybe an ambulance… Yes, that was it. Robby would be fine… Light hoped, and his father could pick him up from the hospital. Maybe he could recover there a little before facing L… Yes, that was what he had to do. He looked around for the men again, noticed they weren't behind him and stepped into the coffee shop.

The first moment he was in there, he got overwhelmed by the warm and suffocating smell of weed and something else he'd rather not identify. Ugh… He ignored the stoned and lifeless stares of the people in there, and walked to the back of the shop, where a man with the same yellow teeth as the men who knocked Robby down smiled at him. Light coughed.

"H-uch-hello, is there a telephone I could use, maybe…?"

The bold and wrinkled man only smiled malicious at him, and let his eyes slide over something behind Light. His heart froze in realization when two big hands grabbed his wrists, while another arm closed painfully hard around his waist and harshly dragged him over a leather-clad and broad shoulder that begun to walk away, with Light hanging over his shoulder. Light saw a glimpse of a bold skull and began to kick and scream.

"STOP! PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN AND LET ME GO! DAMNIT!"

The stoned eyes and yellow teeth followed him into the dark streets with dull interest, as if a rich-looking someone had just spend millions on weed and hid it all under a kind of ugly hat while hurrying away.

Light screamed, cried and kicked, trying to hit the men, but the arm that held him tightened around him and cracked his ribs, forcing all the air out of Light's lungs. Light felt pain shoot through his chest and wanted to scream it out, until he realized he couldn't scream at all. Quiet tears streamed out of his eyes and hit the ground, and his heart pounded in panic before his whole body went limp. He heard how the men laughed and made fun of how easy it was to get him quiet. Light felt his face almost hang against a dirty leather jacket, and the smell of it enter his nose.

_'Damnit…Do they really think I'm a weak slut… Ready to be undressed… Born to be fucked…'_

Light felt blood rush to his head due to his head hanging down.

_'I… am Yagami Light… I… Won't be… used… this … …easily…'_

Light was already gone when the men stopped laughing and continued walking to whatever their destination might be, the grip around his chest loosened, his breath returned and his eyes closed. It was all black. Shut down. A dreamless sleep.

Fading away.

Yagami Light hadn't been saved yet.

* * *

Light's head spun. Where was he…? Hurt, everything hurt, pain, searing…

A kick… He remembered a kick… Someone… Had kicked his head…

Why…? Why had someone kicked his head…?

A dull voice. He knew that voice… Was it good or bad…? Who was it…?

A face… A face he knew…

That person…

That person… Had touched him…

Another kick in his face shot new pain through his destroyed cheekbone, horribly burning. It spun… Everything spun, due to the pain… Due to the kick…

"…And now, you're here, you…"

What was he saying… Light didn't understand… He blinked a few times and tried to listen again, trying to understand the words that didn't seem to enter his ears…

"…The first one! Hah! Look what tho…"

First… The first one…?

Dull memories, not clear enough to hurt… Memories Light didn't recognize, faces Light didn't know… Feelings he knew he must've felt them…

"…Slut, and now you're gonna die, I tell y…."

Die…? Light wasn't going to die… He had no idea why… Was it the pain…? What pain…?

His body felt so far away… Was he going to die…? Why…?

"…Leave you here alone, they find you, but…"

Find…Find Light…They were going to find Light… He wasn't alone, the face was there and talking to him… He wasn't alone…

"…Will ever be caught! There were too many others! Bye, slutty!"

Light blinked. A slut. Was he a slut…? Why…? Was it the pain in his behind…? Did that make him a slut…? He'd never wanted it…

It all went quiet again. The face was gone and the pain back. But it wasn't sharp anymore. It was dull… A soft, dull and bearable pain… Other faces, important faces touched Light's mind…

_Black hair, silly eyes…_

Would he be alive…?

Would he even care about the boy he tried to save earlier…?

_Perfect face… Blank look…_

Would he be worried…?

Would he regret throwing Light away…?

_Glasses, a moustache…_

Would he be crying…?

Would he think about the Light his son used to be…?

Light thoughtlessly watched the memories flicker on the darkening screen behind his eyes. Robby… L… His Dad… How would they be doing… Light hoped they wouldn't be too worried…

Light felt nothing. He thought nothing. He remembered nothing. Numb, he was… His eyes didn't see the yellow-hinted air they were staring at, they didn't notice some people look into the alley and miss him lying between all the dirt and bins. Black. Deep black, and silence.

Sleep.

Nothing more.

* * *

"_Why don't actually copulate with Amane-san, Light-kun? I'd think Light-kun needs his release sometimes..."_

_Light blushed and hid himself under the blankets to hide the tent in his pajama shorts; but it was too late, and L had noticed… Shameful. Light had only watched L change shirts and…THAT happened._

"_No, I don't want to-"_

"_Why does Light-kun not want to do so?"_

_Light cursed how L's stare made his heart beat painfully._

"_Because, Ryuzaki, maybe I don't feel the...the need to… to… Do things like that with her! And it's not strange to get THIS when you never have the opportunity to do yourself, okay?"_

_L blinked and looked at Light owlishly._

"_Light-kun says he doesn't feel like doing Misa-san."_

_Light buried himself a little deeper under the sheets._

"_Yes, is that a problem?"_

_L blinked again and tilted his head to the side._

"_There is no problem, Light-kun; you don't have to be shy…"_

_It sounded sincere. No mocking or hidden smiles Light always picked out immediately._

"… _I… I just don't feel like it, okay? She doesn't make me hot or cold or anything, and thus I don't want to do her…"_

_Light hid his head under the sheets when he mumbled a soft "…And… There's another thing you won't believe…"_

_He felt L creep a little closer and sooth the place where Light's head made a tent in the sheets._

"_What is it, Light-kun?"_

_Light breathed in and closed his eyes._

"…_If you want to know, I never did any more than just kiss girls. I'm a virgin. So. Now you know. What are you going to do, mock me or tell it the whole university, including the teachers and all the police departments all over the world…?"_

_Light pulled the sheets tighter over his head and waited for L's so-called 'funny' response._

_Which didn't come._

_No response._

_He waited a few seconds, opened his eyes, lifted the sheets a little to meet L's eyes peering into his, totally blank._

"_What is it, are you too shocked or so? Go away, then."_

_L didn't move or even blink._

"_I am not shocked in any way, Light-kun. I wanted to see your reaction when I didn't react. Don't worry, Light-kun, I'm a virgin too."_

_By this, Light shot up and stared at L in disbelief._

_The Great L, the World's Three Greatest Detective… the__** far**__ too hot Ryuzaki, was a…was a VIRGIN?_

…_No way._

"_It's true. I never really had the opportunity and I pretty much never felt too attracted by possible sex partners. Therefore, I am a virgin too, like Light-kun. You also never really found someone, isn't that right?"_

_Light still stared at L. This was too much to understand for Light in those few seconds._

_L had just found out about his virginity, Light had told it himself, and now it appeared that L was a virgin too… He didn't know if he had to be ashamed or delighted. He chose not to show anything._

"_But… You are 25…And still a virgin…? How do you do that…?"_

_L shrugged._

"_Like I said. No need, no people around and no opportunity is enough. I don't feel the need to explain further."_

_Light shot up, alarmed._

"_Are you asexual?"_

_L gave him a flat look._

"_Would Light-kun mind if I was…?"_

_Light blushed again._

"_No, I just wondered, and I could ask you, right…?"_

_L looked away and hugged his knees closer._

"_Maybe."_

_Maybe._

_Maybe._

…

_That was an unsatisfying answer. And not like L. Light sat up and unconsciously leaned a little closer to L._

"_If you'd meet someone to give it to, would you do it?"_

_Light's heart flipped backwards when L's eyes bored into his._

"_Yes. I would."_

_He would. L would. Light also would. L's eyes seemed to smile a little, as if Light had done something L shouldn't actually smile about. Sigh. Light wanted L._

"_Ryuzaki… I like you, do you know that?"_

…_Shit._

_Light was startled when he realized what he'd actually said. What the heck had made him say that? God knew how L would react on that, this was not the idea! L now actually smiled at Light and somehow blushed a little, turning to his own toes to watch them play._

"_Know that I like you too, Light-kun."_

_Light-kun._

Light-kun.

Light-kun_…_

Light, wake up. Wake up…

Wake up.

* * *

Light's eyes shot open. Where was he…? Not at home, not with Robby, not on the streets. What had that memory been? Had he been dreaming? It had been a happy memory, it had been so happy, once…Damn L, why had he said that… Light had thought L had considered a 'deep friendship' when he'd returned Light's feelings of affection, because they'd never end up kissing or something… And the words 'I like you' could also be used to friends. And now he knew it was different. And it wouldn't be the same again. No, it had never been 'the same'. L had always distrusted him. But still, he'd let Light come so close to him…

'_Why, L, why did you let me if you knew it was gonna hurt us both…'_

Light saw tears blur his vision, when he realized those tears blurred an orange light that didn't come from the streets, but from a light bulb with orange textile spanned around it hanging above his head, on a dusty ceiling. He looked around some better.

He was in a dark room, with black walls and a smell that reminded Light at dust, and something that resembled sweat. There were no windows and it was cold.

It took a few seconds before he shuddered in horror by noticing he wasn't wearing a shirt. He looked around to see his own black shirt lying on the dirty floor, next to a bed.

A bed, where Light was tied up currently with the hard handcuffs he had gotten used to.

Shit.

Four voices came closer and the door opened, letting more light into the dirty room. There were four men.

The first thing Light saw, were the faces of the bold men who had brought him here. They looked slightly unpleased and looked at the money in the hands of what was probably a pimp, looking at the situation and-

A pimp? Oh, no, this wasn't really going to happen, wasn't it? Light's heart began to beat faster and harder and he struggled to get away, maybe the handcuffs weren't closed properly, or if maybe he could do something with his legs (who were still clad in his black jeans, he noticed). But he couldn't. The handcuffs were gripping tighter around his wrist than L's had done, he was sure. And his legs…

He couldn't move them. He just couldn't move his legs.

"…You sure he won't kick me? You practically drug him away from the streets, isn't it? And is he really a virgin?"

Light looked in horror at the last man, a tall-looking guy clad in a big vest with a capuchin, that made it impossible for Light to recognize him. He somehow knew that voice, he was sure…He'd heard it before…Maybe it was someone who'd found him and tried to save him…He hoped, he hoped it so bad…

"We paralyzed him…He can't move his legs, we're sure you won't be kicked, sir. And we're sure he's a virgin. We checked it."

They checked it.

They checked it.

WHAT did they check? They hadn't actually…Hadn't they? No, no way. Light felt everything that was left in his stomach creep to his mouth. Water. Sour. Nothing more. God, he felt so sick. They'd already touched him THERE where he half-and-half never really thought about others touching it…L, but that was different…No. No, no way. And especially not for THAT reason. He felt so damn dirty. And he knew it was only going to be worse.

He heard the sound of yens crisping in the doorway, the men talking a little about money, sedatives and during time…An hour, it was. Light would be raped for an hour. God, please, no…Please, everything but that. Everything.

Light cried. Light cried silently over his horrible fate. God hated him, for some reason. Why…? Why, just why did it all have to happen…

The door closed and the tall man walked to Light, and looked at him. Light still couldn't see his face in the shadows of the capuchin. He sat down on the bed, next to light. Slowly, he outstretched a hand and touched Light's tears with one finger. Light stared in horror at the hole that must be the guy's face. He knew that touch. He goddamn knew it. It sent chills down his spine and the his stomach twitched in recognition. The guy lifted his hand to his mouth and seemed to lick at Light's tears, and Light knew he was smirking. Cold. No, this guy wasn't here to save Light…

He twitched when he heard a malicious snicker come from under the capuchin, and a hand lifted itself up again to slowly remove it.

Yellow teeth.

Spiky hair.

Tiny, sharks eyes.

Big, pointy nose.

The capuchin revealed the face of the guy who had groped Light in the dark alley. While he was held by the guy called 'Buddy'. Yes. His teeth where the same yellow grin and his nose was the same big point practically falling over his thin lips. Light's heart began to panic when he recognized it. The guy laid a hand on Light's chest and tickled lightly.

"Yes, funny I see you here again, isn't it? I didn't follow you or so, Virgie."

His eyes narrowed and his smile got broader.

"For as long as you still are a Virgie…"

Light's stomach muscles twitched, like his stomach itself did when the fingers roamed over his belly.

"Yes…I just saw you being brought here, I hadn't found another yet and I decided you'd be my bitch tonight. Buddy is now 33.000 yen lighter…"

He snickered again over what apparently was funny. His teeth appeared to be triangle-shaped, Light noticed. The guy saw his stare and the meaning of it, and leaned to Light's arm to bite it hard, making Light yelp. He licked the blood dripping out of it and swallowed it. Light let out a sob. This was torture. This was so much worse than he'd ever expected it to be…As long as he'd ever expected to be violated or raped at all.

This was just so much worse.

The yellow teeth removed themselves from out of Light's flesh, a horrible feeling in his upper arm tied up next to his head, his hands hanging a few inches above the smelly mattress, cuffed to the bedpost. A drip of blood made its way to Light's shoulder, and for a brief moment he thought he was actually smelling the red substance. The guy just watched it with a sadistic gleam in his eyes Light had seen in other eyes before.

Yes, L had looked like this when he was dominating Light in their everyday-fights, verbal or physical. Though it'd been different. It had L mostly been about winning and getting reactions out of Light.

This guy… He wanted to torture him.

He'd be scarred; he'd always think of this as the most traumatizing moments of his whole life- Exactly what this horrible person wanted him to. He'd be humiliated, and not by simply being pinned down on a king-sized bed with a sweetly smiling L on top of him stroking his hair to indicate Light was his, and not the opposite.

His.

It had actually been like that, L had wanted him to be his, Light knew by now.

L loved Light. Light loved L. It was so damn unfair… It was L's stupid fault, it was his fault, like it was Light's… They'd been stupid together, L for letting Light go away and not believing him, Light for telling L and running away… Light let out a sob again and closed his eyes to force the guy out of his sight. He didn't want to see him. He didn't want to. He didn't want the fingers to be semi-innocently stroking his skin and he didn't want the blood to be dripping out of the little wounds.

He didn't want to open his eyes when he felt the cigarette-like breath of the guy in his face.

"What…Do you want to play hide-and-seek? Okay, I'll join you! Where is my hand?"

Light swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut when he felt a hand slide into his pants and feel around. He tried to ignore it all, it felt so-horribly-bad…The fingers pressed the base of his penis and tickled there too, causing Light's blood to rush towards it. _'No. Please, God, Don't do this to me…'_

The face above Light's laughed sadistically when noticing slight twitches in Light's face. A maniacal grin. A blood-freezing giggle. Nothing human. The hand and breath disappeared, and Light felt and heard his belt being untied, his button being undone and his zipper being pulled down. The fingers that had been groping him that same evening were desecrating his skin slowly, teasingly playing with his pubic hair and stripping off his black jeans. Slowly. Torturing. Sickening. Letting Light know he was defenseless.

Light leaned his head back and prayed one last time before giving in with his fate. It was going to happen. It was however going to happen, and he'd be humiliated. This guy wanted to see him humiliated. And that… That was exactly what Light wouldn't show. Light would fiercely keep his eyes shut, his face as blank as possible and his body cold and untouched. He still had his pride. He still had it. It didn't give him any hope, or any other warm feeling, but it was just a thought for Light to concentrate on while his virginity would be ripped apart from his sacrificed body. There had been so many people enduring this, so many people before him…If they did, Light also would. Definitely.

He repressed the sob that worked its way up his throat.

_Pride. _

He fought with all his will against the tears wetting his eyes.

_Pride._

He fought against the urge to shake his hips in an attempt to get the fingers away from his genitals.

_Pride._

Pride…

Light just couldn't fight the sob that echoed through the room when the tongue, teeth and lips of this horribly ugly and despicable guy closed around his manhood and sucked on it, a snicker and some teasing sounds audible but muffled by what Light denied of being himself. He tried not to feel. He tried not to feel the pleasure he didn't enjoy that changed into sickness as soon as it passed his stomach. And he tried so hard not to pant, choke on his own vomit, or vomit at all.

After a while, it stopped. The mouth disappeared and left Light's most sensitive spot cold in the muff air of the room. _'Keep your eyes closed, Light, he wants you to look up…'_

"Heh, fun, wasn't it? I have something much more fun in mind, little Virgie. Do you want to ask me or should I just show you?"

Light squeezed his eyes shut even harder when the sounds of another zipper being undone screeched in his ears. So, the moment was finally there. This was that moment he'd feared for this whole night. The moment this whole night had been all about, actually.

It felt more like his whole life had led to this.

He felt his limp legs being spread apart, noticed that he could feel every single touch the guy and the sheets gave them. He felt the guy sit down between them, stroking his thighs. Another snicker, a comment about how sad it was he had to be wasted like this, and something hard pressing against him. There it was. Light tried not to think about it. He thought he'd throw up all over himself if he would.

He'd probably throw up anyway.

"Here we go, Virgie…"

Light yelped in pain when_ it_ entered him and made him writhe. Hurt. It hurt like hell. Never had he thought that anything could cause him this much agony. It felt as though he was being torn apart.

He bit his lips and tried not to scream, but he couldn't help his eyes opening and blurring the sight of the dirty ceiling. White, it was white…Light shuddered, and heard the person he wanted to disappear out of his body make maniacal sounds of pleasure and sadism.

It had to be over. It just had to be over, soon.

The guy begun to pound into Light. Something was wetting Light's insides. He hoped it wasn't blood. Or anything else… He cringed in the electric pain that rushed through him and his soul. Light saw the ceiling, he noticed a fly sitting on it and watching him, knowing what was happening but doing nothing to save him. He felt it. He felt exactly what was moving inside of him, the shape, the size and other things he wanted to deny of existing in his world. Much to his horror, the guy leaned over him to breath the cigarette smell into his lungs, and grip his waist to hold Light close, letting Light know he wasn't just an object that had entered him. The motions got faster, and Light tried to ban out all the thoughts in his head. They wouldn't save him now. They'd only make it worse.

L's face. It looked regretful.

Tears burned at his eyes and he squeezed them shut as Light closed his eyes again. The pain appeared to go away and only leave an overwhelming feeling he didn't want to call by its name. It was sickening. Sweat. Blood. The smell of dust and rape. And an old and sticky mattress. He felt the guy, he felt himself getting closer to his climax, and tried so hard not to come, it would be bad, it would make the wounds deeper and deeper, the scars more visible…Hell, he couldn't but think about L when he felt his own bodily fluids wetting the guy's and his own abdomen. It was L, he held Light and looked at him with dark eyes while he whispered his name in his ear…

It stopped. The feelings stopped and faded away. Light panted helplessly and pretended he didn't hear the other person in the room do the same, and didn't feel the now smelly guy collapse on top of him. IT disappeared out of him. His heart slowed down. He felt more naked and dirty than he'd ever been.

L.

He had seen L… Was it L…? Light hoped it so hard when he opened his eyes for a second to glance at the guy, to close them again immediately. It wasn't. It just had to be this unknown guy Light could call nothing more than 'the guy who groped him and raped his virginity away'. The guy chuckled when he noticed Light had looked at him.

Yes, he wasn't a virgin anymore, he knew. It didn't feel much different, if you forgot the humiliation, the dirt and the throbbing pain in his behind, which was returning now. He still felt something wet dripping out of him, and knew it was a mixture of semen and blood. Light was too horrified to feel sick, and too numb to notice how it made him feel.

Paradoxes. So, that was what being raped meant.

He felt a weight disappear from his body, he heard a zipper being closed and the guy standing up.

"Aww, look at you. You're not looking so well, my little Virgie. Oh, wait, you aren't anymore…my Ex-Virgie! Or should I say slut…?"

Another chuckle. Inhuman. The guy enjoyed the misery he'd caused. What would L do now, after he hurt him…? He'd be gentle with Light, he would wipe him and sincerely apologize for hurting him…No, he wouldn't even hurt him if it wasn't overly necessary. And then, he'd still apologize. Like he always did when he noticed it was worse to Light than a simple tease. And sometimes he apologized to Light from out of nowhere, and Light would wonder why, while he tried to comfort L with whatever he had…In the end they'd both smile, and L would apologize again for being so troublesome. Light's heart would ache from his love for L. And L definitely didn't have to apologize for that, if he could…

Would. But it wasn't like that. Light would never be able to give his virginity to L. Never.

It felt like a rock. A giant rock in his stomach bursting him from the insides. He was raped, and L had rejected him. L would never want him again, now that he wasn't much more than a humiliated pool of dirt. No apologies. Nothing.

L wouldn't even look at him.

A finger wiped his face again, the tears that were streaming in the direction of his ears due to the gravity. The guy made a wet sound when he stuck his finger in his mouth and licked the tear.

"Hmm… misery! Always nice, Slutty. Yes, I'm gonna call you that! If you don't get thrown away now and I never see you again, of course… You were fun, I see you later! Have fun with your sorrow, Slutty!"

The same inhuman laugh. The door closed with a hard clack that echoed through the room. Light heard the guy still laughing after a minute. He didn't know if it still was reality or his own imagination. The room was cold. It smelled like sweat and dust. The mattress was sticky and the fly on the ceiling buzzed around a bit. The orange light was still the same from what it had been a short time ago. Time hurt him everywhere. Had it really been an hour…? Light's logic told him it hadn't been much longer than twenty minutes… It felt so much longer, as if it was so much later, as if it had been a long time ago that Light had felt happy, that he'd lived his usual life, that he'd been close to the one he loved. He wasn't very likely to feel something like that ever again, he thought…It was sad. It hurt.

He still couldn't move his legs. He was exposed to the world to see and touch, to be used and thrown away. The fly landed on his arm, and Light didn't even bother to shrug it off, not even when he felt those dirty little hairs that were the fly's legs tickle the wounds the guy's teeth had made.

Dirt. He felt nothing but dirt. He felt the guy's teeth in his flesh, his mouth around his manhood and his body pressing Light's into the mattress. And IT, and everything he wanted to forget about it. He heard the door open and people step in. He didn't want to listen to them. He wanted to disappear. He just wanted to feel nothing, he just wanted to fall and drown into darkness. Dying.

Fading away.

Yagami Light didn't want to be saved anymore.


	4. Distrust

_**4. Distrust**_

It had happened. _It. Had. Actually. Happened._

The thing Light had feared the most this whole evening had happened. He was raped. He was raped by a guy who'd wanted more than just rape someone, take someone's virginity or simply sex.

The guy had wanted to torture him, humiliate him and make him suffer. And though Light had never been one to give in, he had to admit that the guy had reached his goals.

Humiliated.

Tortured.

Suffering.

And the worst…

Light wasn't Light anymore.

He _had never been_ one to give in. He'd been so strong, powerful, confident... But he wasn't anymore. Yagami Light was now a sobbing mess without content. There was nothing left in him resembling fire whatsoever. There was only hurt and humiliation. And his ever so perfect outside was damaged too.

Someone had taken Light's in-and-outsides and discarded it. Just thrown it away to be destroyed, and nothing left could be valuable for Light, L, or anyone else in the world. No virginity, no strength… nothing.

It hurt so bad.

Light never stopped sobbing when he heard a click and felt his wrists weren't cuffed to the bed of his misery anymore, he just embraced himself softly. Comfort, he wanted to be comforted… '_Daddy, L, where are you…? Am I not important anymore, now that this happened to me…_ ?' Maybe Robby would show up, take him to his apartment and lay a big hand on his head, offer him a glass of water with painkillers… He'd listen to him and tell him what to do…

Would Robby be alive…?

Light felt a pang and sobbed even harder. He hadn't even thought about that yet. Robby was probably dead. He was hit on the back of his head, he'd bled horribly and he was laying face-first in an alley… People would see him and think he was a drug addict and won't pay any attention to him… He was…

Robby died there…

"No, no, nooo… Someone…"

Light felt shame wash through him as he heard himself plead.

"Please… Please…"

He couldn't control it. He just couldn't control what he was saying anymore. He hoped so bad that no one could hear him.

He got the shock of his life when a hand laid itself on his shoulder.

'_L?'_

For a moment, he thought he saw him, really. His deep black hair and eyes and concerned face. He was close. He wrapped his arms around Light and carried him away in bride-style, against his chest, to the big limousine Watari drove. They'd drive away from where it all happened while Light cried in L's lap, his face buried in his thick hair. So warm. L was so warm…

Warm. He came back to reality. The room wasn't warm. Light was covered in his own cooled sweat and he felt something wet dripping out of his behind. The man who was probably a pimp was leaning over him. He smelled like cigarettes, and his teeth were yellow. How long had he been standing there? Light didn't know…

He grinned in Light's face and patted his cheek.

"So. Ready for the next round?"

Next round…?

…

Light's heart stopped pounding.

* * *

Robby groaned. How, headache… Something had hit hard. He stirred and stood up, looking around. Blood.

The boy…

Right-o, the boy. Rue. Where was he…? That blood…

Robby felt relieved when the blood appeared to come from the back of his own head. It wasn't from the boy… Maybe Rue was okay…

He'd better check that out somehow.

Right-o. Rue left his boy's phone number in Robby's apartment. Better call him…

Robby went back to his apartment to find a little note in a neat and slightly feminine handwriting. A phone number with the name 'Ryu' above it. Robby took his cell phone and dialed the number.

After a few seconds, a voice spoke.

"Ryuzaki."

Robby blinked. A deep and monotone voice, not sounding concerned at all. It didn't really sound like someone who was eighteen years old. More like thirty, Robby thought. Maybe Rue liked older men…? His own boy had also been young…

"Hello. I am Robby…Are you Rue's boy?"

If Robby hadn't had a very strong sense of intonation, he would've missed that 'Not concerned' had been a cover-up.

"Rue? That's me. I am Rue."

He was Rue…? Right-o, the brunet never told Robby his own name, but his love's, not thinking they'd ever meet… Smart kid.

"Then, what's our little boy called?"

It was quiet for a few seconds.

"Wait. Light? Who are you? You did something to him?"

Robby found it funny to imagine that others wouldn't hear any emotion in this voice. Lighto, huh… Nice name… It fitted the boy. Lighto and Rue. Sounded like a cute couple.

"No, I never did…Lost him while I was bringing him to Teito…"

Silence.

"Teito?"

Voice sounded ten years younger, suddenly. Boy was troubled, poor thing…Apparently Teito wasn't there where this boy was.

"Yes, Teito… Saw him runnin' round in tears, got molested and I took him home, gave him water… Asked where he wanted to go, he said Teito and on our way, I got hit. Boy is gone."

The silence that hung between them was almost electric. Robby decided to scratch the part of the little brunet stripping for him. It wouldn't help any, now.

"You 'took him home'? Do you think I believe that? It was you who molested him. 'He's gone', and now you call me to make sure no one suspects you when he gets found. That's _low_. Extremely _low_, you know that?"

Impressive. This boy sounded so calm, and at the same time so terrified, and vengeful… Like Lighto had said earlier…Robby liked this 'Rue'. Or 'Ryu'. 'Ryuzaki'? It all had 'Ru' in it.

Hm, 'Ru'. It fitted this boy as much as 'Lighto' fitted Lighto, Robby thought.

Robby was glad he hadn't mentioned the strip act. It wasn't even something he'd 'done' to him…

"Ru, I never did things to Lighto… Last time I saw him he was okay… Don't you think I'd never call you if I didn't care about him to get back? Don't you want him back? We search together. I know the neighborhood and you know him."

It was quiet again. Ru was thinking. Robby almost heard the mecha stuff in his brain run on fire.

"Okay. I want to see you to make sure you didn't hurt him. Where do we meet?"

Finally, help. Robby felt relieved.

* * *

Before he knew it, Light was clicked to another bed in another room, with the same cold and the same smell of old sweat and rape. The same hurt and the same angst, with the horror that he already knew how it would feel.

The same feeling of an unwanted body against his, and the same shots of pain working their way up his spine. Hurt…Humiliation…He tried not to fight against the_ thing_ impaling him, because that would only make it worse…He had to relax and let it happen, and hope it would be over soon…

He couldn't fight anymore. He wasn't able to. The old Light had fought, the Light who played little games with L to test him, and be tested by L… The old Light who had protected those he loved…

The strong Light…

Light cried like he'd never done before. Why…? Why…

Why, why, _why_, why, WHY did it have to go like this…? Was there even a reason…?

Was Kira manipulating what was happening to him, and would he die soon…?

Would it be bad to die soon…?

A grunt, and a disgusting feeling hitting his insides, and it was over again.

Light took a quick glance at the fire-red dragon this man had tattooed on his fat and, yes, it was possible, _hairy_ collarbone. A red dragon…That meant luck, wasn't it…?

Luck. Light felt nothing wet sticking to his own abdomen.

Someone came in and clicked the cuffs away from his pained wrists. Light immediately slid a hand over his abdomen to make sure there wasn't anything that would humiliate him further. He shivered under his own touch. It… didn't feel right.

What?

It felt bad to even touch his own body…

"You're going well, little boy…"

It was the pimp again. Did he hate Light or so…?

"We'll have to clean you before going on. Or do you want to do it yourself?"

Light's breath got stuck in his throat. His heart began its racing again.

It wasn't over, yet… Hell, it wasn't over… This was only the beginning…

"I…"

The pimp took it as a 'me' and pulled at Light's arm and let his fingers 'accidentally' brush over Light's nipple. Light felt the eyes with yellow eye white pierce his body. No, indeed it wasn't over, yet… Light tried not to think about it. He tried to cover his naked body while the pimp pulled him through a dark corridor and put him into what looked like a dirty shower room.

"Here, wash. Clean it, outsides, insides, and go back to that room. Escaping is useless. I warned you."

The door slammed shut, echoing in Light's ears.

'_I warned you.'_

The room was silent, apart from some muffled sounds coming from other rooms Light didn't want to think about, and water drops falling out of the old and minimalistic shower.

'_Escaping is useless.'_

Escaping.

Light hadn't thought about that, yet. Escaping. Should he try…?

He decided he wanted to be clean first, and turned the shower on.

Ice-cold water. It hurt. But Light decided he was used to pain now and stayed under it, and washed his whole body, beginning with his hair, chest, arms, belly, legs and feet, not touching himself _there_. He washed away his own sweat and the dirt that stuck to his body. He washed the wound on his shoulder, where the teeth had cut into his skin. The blood disappeared, and the wound began to throb. He washed it again, started with his hair again and worked lower and lower, like he'd done before, in an attempt to wash away the touches of the men who'd humiliated him.

He still felt extremely dirty.

Maybe he should…

He started washing his abdomen, but it felt bad. It shouldn't be touched, by anyone.

…

He had to.

Light moved on and washed his dick, there where THAT guy had… him…

…He tried not to think about that.

When he touched his entrance, he felt a shock wash through his whole body. And that shocked him. Not right.

It. Was. Not. Right.

Blood and semen.

Light felt horrified, once again. It couldn't get any worse. Here he was, naked and dripping with cold water, raped in a random room covered in germs, and now standing in some dirty shower room while he realized he was filled with other men's semen and couldn't touch himself without feeling horrified.

And if he even _thought _about _thinking_ of the reason of it all, he felt his heart and stomach press together into a ball that grew bigger and suppressed his other organs, so that he almost felt like he was dying.

And there was even blood sticking to his own hands. There was someone who had tried to save him, and got knocked down because of that… If he hadn't asked Robby to bring him to Teito Hotel, Robby would've been okay, now…

Light felt too dead to cry. He ignored everything he felt and slid a finger into himself, to see if he could remove more of the sticky poison in his body. Sticky. Light didn't want to describe what he felt. He pulled his hand away and washed it thoroughly with the water that still fell out of the shower, before noticing it didn't help. He felt dirty. He felt so dirty no water would be enough to wash it away from him. Not his finger or the rest of his hands, not his skin and especially not his insides.

Showering was useless.

…

Maybe he could find a way to get out of here. He'd see what he'd do after that.

He dried himself with a towel he saw hanging on the wall. It was a light grey, and thank God it looked clean. It smelled dusty when Light dried his hair with it, but it was soft on his skin. Light decided it was clean and dried himself as good as possible. He ignored the little drops of blood on it after he did his behind.

'_Thighs, knees, calfs, ankles, and feet. Between your toes, if you don't it could get irritated.' _

It seemed impossible, but Light felt a tiny little bit better when he hung the towel back in place and felt the air brush his cool skin.

Now he had to get out of here.

He could think of three options.

One: He'd disguise himself as a pimp or a customer and just walk out of there, and go to the police or something.

…They'd see right through him.

Two: He'd make a deal with his next rapist. He had no idea what he could offer, but if the man would pay a little extra, maybe he'd be allowed to take Light with him and bring him back.

…A _rapist _who _paid_ for someone to hurt. It was extremely unlikely that he'd pay extra for his little sex toy to be okay.

Three: He had to find a hidden exit, or a window or something. He could take his clothes and leave.

…It wasn't likely that he'd find something the pimp and his men wouldn't know about. And if he went searching for it and they caught him, hell knew what they'd do to him then…

Light felt helpless for a moment. He stopped his train of thought and listened to the sounds from the other rooms, the voices, and some cars outside…

Outside…

It sucked. Outside sucked. He'd go out and only feel miserable like he did now. It wouldn't make any difference…Light was broken and he couldn't be saved, that was that. He'd never feel good again.

It was hard. Light sighed and began to cry again. Comfort, he longed to comfort so badly…

He would only find comfort outside…

He should go out. He started thinking again.

If he'd go back to the room where his clothes were shattered on the floor, he had to pass three doors with probably the same content behind it, and the chance was big that his pimp or someone else was waiting for him there to make sure he wouldn't leave…

…Though on the other side, there were more guys to care about. How many men would help the pimp…? Light couldn't be that important, he'd been when he was a virgin, but he wasn't anymore, now he was just dirty. And they probably thought that he was so shocked by everything that he'd not even bother going away after he'd been warned, out of fear what would happen after that…

If he'd get out, he'd go back and suffer from this trauma for a long time. His pride, his dignity, he didn't really have something to fight for, for himself. Maybe he could see his Dad once more. Maybe he could do something for Robby, like clearing his name if they thought he was a nameless junk or so…Though Robby had known quite a few people…Right, Light didn't want them to think Robby had done things to him. He vaguely remembered himself stripping, but that didn't bother him, he'd liked it himself later on…That had been the last time he'd felt pretty, he realized. Would L be mad? He wouldn't really care, probably… L was a heartless monster for hurting Light so bad, and even hurting himself. Stupid L. Stupid, stupid…

Light felt his feelings turn back, and tears blur the minimalistic room he didn't even care for to see. Stupid L with his stupid ego. He wouldn't even look at Light now, now that he was a stupid…discarded…dirty…piece of dust! Light hated L, he hated himself and he hated the words L had said. He just…hated everything! Stupid L, stupid…

He wanted to be comforted by someone. Just to hear a voice telling him it was gonna be okay. He could always end everything after that. He'd at least die by his own hand…

Maybe he should just go. He'd see what he'd do later on.

Light felt the cold air brush against his still soft skin.

No. Not without his clothes.

He wanted his clothes. He wanted to pull them on and get out of here… There was hope, he had to go through…

He had to…

Light decided he'd just go. The pimp wouldn't kill him just because he was searching for his clothes. It would mean he killed a source of money. If he just missed Light or forgot about him…

With hesitation, Light stepped out of the room.

* * *

There he was… Was he?

Yes, it had to be him. He was exactly like the little brunet described. The description 'too thin and hunching over' didn't sound impressing, but the boy standing on the other side of the broad street driving along Robby's neighborhood definitely was. Indeed, he hunched over and his fragile-looking bones pointed through his white shirt that looked unnatural in the dirty street he stood. He also had larger eye bags than Robby had ever seen on drug addicts (and hell he'd seen many of them), and they were black enough to mistake them for high-quality eyeliner. His hair was unruly and his clothes were sloppy, his shoes old and they showed he wasn't wearing any socks.

Despite that, he looked amazing. His skin was a pale white, contrasting with the dark alley he stood in front of. It was perfect, it seemed to glow a little, and the softness and feminine perfection were underlined by his wild locks. He had fine features, a bit childish and very boy-like. Robby could barely imagine it had been this boy speaking to him in such a deep voice.

He probably was the exact same height as the brunet. Tall enough to make his posture look natural, but not too tall, that would've broken the spell. The perfect length to look attractive, but very fragile between the taller and mostly broader (and high heel-wearing) men walking around here. No, this boy _was _fragile, there was no doubt… You could grab his waist and effortlessly carry him over your shoulder somewhere bad things would happen to him.

Just when Robby decided he had to go to him before those bad things would happen, the boy noticed him from out of the corner of his eye and turned his head to him. Robby felt his face burning under this boy's gaze. No, he wasn't fragile… His body looked like it, but _he_ was not fragile. Robby crossed the street and walked up to the boy. He felt his eyebrows burn away while the wide and black eyes examined him. Black eyes? Interesting.

"Are you Ru?"

Like the little brunet, this boy had to look up a little to look Robby straight in the face, which he did without hesitation. The impressive eyes skimmed and pierced Robby before answering.

"You are Robby?"

Robby nodded. "Y-"

"-What do I think of molesting someone and calling an acquaintance to make them think it wasn't you who 'did it', when he'll be found back with a hole in his head?"

Wow. It was the voice he'd heard before, coming from the boy with the fine features standing in front of Robby...Wow.

Very Wow.

"You say with passion, you find it _low_…Right-o?"

Boy didn't blink.

"You are Robby."

He was as smart as he looked. Robby tried not to hug him like a panda pluchie.

"Help me search for our Lighto? Let's go."

Robby turned around, but he didn't hear footsteps behind him. He turned around, to see the boy staring at him with searing distrust in his eyes. He hadn't moved an inch.

"Wanna find that boy or not…?"

The black eyes widened until they were perfect circles. Black underlined circles with black locks falling over them.

"There are people watching us. I don't trust you at all. I just want to see Light alive and take him back. If you try to do something with me, you'll get shot. Believe me."

He was wow. He sure was very wow.

Finally, the feet moved and the boy came after Robby.

* * *

His clothes. Where were his clothes…

Light had noticed there was no one in the corridor leading to the room where he'd been raped first. The second, third, no, the fourth door…He opened it. His clothes were spread all over the floor. He'd been right.

Light grabbed his boxers and slid them on, the expensive silk boxers he loved so much. That was the last thing he'd worn as a virgin. He sighed when he slid his hands over his behind. The same taut curves through the same material. Nostalgic, in some way…

Painful.

He took his dark red jeans and pulled them around his hips, and tied his belt. Clothes. There were clothes covering his naked body. It felt a little better. Like some sort of protection…

Light suddenly realized that the fact that he had to pull them on again made clear that it didn't make any difference at all.

He took his black vest from the floor and started with the lowest button, and the one above that, and the one above that…

He left a soft line of chest visible, like he was used to. Still the same. The old Light had looked perfect. He had no reason not to keep it like that.

His hair. Hands through it, one over the back of his head and to the front, one lock falling back…Light felt he looked like he'd always done. Lock after lock, the confidence about his own appearance turned back a little…

…

His socks and shoes.

One of them was gone.

Light searched every corner of the room, under the Bed of his Doom…

No shoe.

Oh, well…It had to be possible like this…It didn't look logical to stay any longer because of a simple (but expensive) shoe.

He looked around one last time. Here was where it all had happened. Light was raped and he'd lost his virginity. A guy had humiliated him and enjoyed it. Here, on this bed, in this room. It pressed upon him. He opened the door and walked down the corridor, to the stairs. No people stopping him. No people looking at him in a way that told him to stop or run away.

It was surreal. He'd get out of here.

He passed the stairs, meeting other guys barely looking at him and older men who left him alone, thinking he was too expensive for them. No pimp. No bold guys. Light sighed when he stepped on the wooden parterre floor and saw the door.

He walked to it.

Closer.

The street lights lit his face.


	5. Fear

_**5. Fear**_

Light stepped out of the building he'd been trapped, blinking at the sudden light of the cars, the street lamps and the clubs around him. The night was cool, but not cold, and smelled like alcohol and exhaust. It was all blurry to him, and at the same time so clear.

Bad things had happened.

Really bad things.

Little flickers of what he'd gone through played in front of his eyes like a movie. It was weird that those things actually happened.

_Surreal._

Surreal. That was the word he was searching for. It was surreal all that happened to him less than an hour ago.

He felt the impact of all that had yet to come. He should feel everything that had happened, right? He'd felt it, he remembered…It had just stood still since he stepped out of the room he pulled on his clothes again.

He wasn't wearing his left shoe. He felt the stones underneath his foot. Dirty stones…Maybe he should've searched for his shoe…

He breathed the muff outside air into his lungs.

It was like it made all his emotions burst free.

Rape. Humiliation. Touches. Robby. Hit. L. Virginity. Dad. Rape.

Damn, he was raped! He was raped, fucked into his ass by idiots he didn't even know! Damn, damn, damn! He was humiliated, is soul was cut and his body used and touched, Light was gone, there was only this used, hideous body left, he was a sex toy- And Robbie, Robbie died because of him, his stupid self and stupid L he still loved so much-

It didn't make sense to him anymore. Light's vision was blurred by tears again, and he tried to run again, when he realized he couldn't run. His legs didn't work.

Right. The stuff to make sure he wouldn't kick his rapists. It had to be still working.

Go. He had to go. No idea where. Away from this pain. Robby. He had to find Robby to clear his conscience, if he could. It would make him feel better. He had to feel better. If only a little.

He walked as fast as he could to the place where he thought Robby was. He had no idea where, but he went there where he thought he should go to, to find him…He had to find Robby…

Light suddenly recognized everything. The coffee shop. The alleys.

It was clear. He saw where he had to go to.

He walked and walked as seconds ticked by in his ears without a real reason, and before he knew it, he stood in the ally he wanted to be.

The same stones, the same graffiti and dirt.

A puddle of blood on the ground.

No Robby.

"...Went here, hit him and took the virgin, huh huh…"

"Hey, he's gone. Where-"

Light couldn't run away to get out of the sight of the bold men he could easily recognize by now. He was trapped, once again. He felt how their eyes fell on him and stupid smiles formed on their yellow-teethed faces.

"…Look…"

"Huhuhu…"

"…Huhuhuhu…"

Away. Getting away. Light wasn't fast enough and the men knew it. They'd throw him over a shoulder again- No touch, no, not another touch, he didn't want to be touched, stay away…

An arm closed around his waist like it did before, and Light felt panic hit him like a rubber hammer. No, no, no contact, he felt skin, someone was touching him and he couldn't do anything to stop it, he was too weak and his legs were practically limp, and his arms hurt, so he couldn't use them, his heart beat its way out of his chest and he sweated like hell so he felt like he was dehydrating, no, go away, don't touch, don't…

Breath stuck in his chest when Light realized it would all happen again. Rape. Suffer. More rape. No. Please not.

He felt himself being pressed against the wall next to him. Hands. Fingers. Hands. Hands. No hands. Get them away! He saw them, their faces, their horrible teeth and smiles, those stupid, dumb and malicious grins-

"Can't run?"

"Not sure…"

Light tried to kick. Get them away, away, AWAY! His heart pounded like a madman. Sweat. His own sweat. He felt another shock freeze him when he felt something cold and sharp slice through the front of his thigh.

A knife! Hell, they were cutting his muscles so it would hurt too much to go away! Light instinctively tried to keep his legs still when he felt warm blood wash through his pants. It was blood. Real, warm, red blood. Much more than he'd felt after he'd been raped. He realized that he really couldn't move his leg anymore. Probably his instinct too... And the other one followed.

He didn't know what to feel anymore. The angst from the touches was overwhelming, and so was the pain in his legs. One of the men grabbed his shoulders and turned him, and pressed him against the wall.

'_L, Robby, Dad! Where are you?'_

He felt like throwing up when his pants were pulled down to the middle of his thighs, where they pressed into the bleeding wound, and his face was pushed against the cold and dirty stones in front of him.

'_Where are you?'_

Light cried out when he felt a searing pain there where it shouldn't be. A hand muffled the sound. Light writhed, but he couldn't move away. He was impaled once again. And the thrusting began. In and out. In and out. Sick. Panic.

'_Where are you!'_

Hurt. His behind. His legs. His face. Light panted in panic, the cold sweat cooling his skin to the point where it got painful. His heart trembling with hurt. Every fiber of his being was trembling with hurt.

'_HELP!'_

Light didn't feel what was happening anymore. Wet. Slick. Out.

For a second, he didn't feel a body against him. Gone. Light was left again.

Before he was rammed into the wall again and the searing started all over again.

Crying and screaming didn't help. A new hand muffled every sound he made. Panic. Go away. Light had to get away from those bodies. He felt his clothes tear when hands gripped at them. His face was abraded by the stones. Light could feel his face bleeding. The wounds pricked. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to scream again.

'_FUCKING HEEELP!'_

In, out. In, out. Sick. Light felt he had to throw up. The man behind him groaned animalistic and gripped onto his arm, and Light cried out again, though it was muffled by the big and rough hand. More wet. Pulled out. Light swallowed to keep himself from throwing up.

"Huhuhu…Better than money, huhuhu…"

Light pulled his pants up as fast as he could and noticed that his belt was ruined. Real leather. His expensive belt…

A big fist in his face made the world hurl. Light had never felt flaming white pain like this. His whole body was slammed into the ground and he felt his eyes roll back into his skull. He'd thought rape had been painful. He hadn't felt this much pain, back then...

The voices disappeared, the world blurred and little stars formed in front of his eyes. He gripped with his hands onto his face to notice it hurt incredibly when he moved something loose under the skin of his cheek. He rolled on to throw up everything he still had in his stomach, which was nothing more than a little trail of horribly burning sour bile. Throwing up. Light hated it.

-His cheekbone had to be broken.

Light had to get away. Somewhere. He couldn't see where he was going. He felt stones. He had to get up.

The wall. The stones he felt were a wall. He felt dirt in the wounds of his legs, his arm throbbed, his esophagus and throat seared, his face numb with blazing pain. His hands. The wall. He tried to push himself up.

It had happened again. Twice. Filthy. Light was simply a sex toy. He had always been simply a sex toy.

He just hadn't known until today.

Light stood. Now he had to direct his gaze somewhere. Everything was blurred. Light was too overwhelmed, the world seemed to spin around him.

There it was. A big square of orange light. Black shadows moved around in it. That was where he had to go.

He felt pain in his foot, not as bad as everything else he felt, but he tried to pay attention to it. His foot. He stepped on something. Glass.

Something entered his body and made his foot blaze with pain. Scream. Light knew he was screaming, but couldn't hear it. He fell forward, to his knees, and curled into a ball. He noticed his other foot hurting too. The glass he stepped in had gone through the sole of his shoe. He held his arms tightly against his shaking body. It hurt. Everything hurt. He rolled on, and felt more glass. Cuts. Cuts in his taut skin. And dirt. Light didn't want to know how much pain those bacteria were going to cause.

Not any more than this.

Light closed his eyes. Die. Just die. He wanted to die so badly. He was sick of it. He was just so sick.

Memories entered his mind. A cold face. It was cold in response of what he said in a life before this.

"_Ryuzaki…I think I love you."_

Light threw up again when he thought about it.

* * *

Untouchable. This boy was untouchable.

Robby was downright amazed. He'd seen impressive people before, but this kid…

He'd never seen a kid like this before. The calmness, the rage and worry. The beauty. The intense gaze.

But most of all, the radiance of immense willpower and certainty to find Lighto back. The boy made all his surroundings glow with heat. Robby wondered if he'd burn his hand if he'd touch him.

"Ru."

The boy, who'd been walking in front of Robby, turned around.

"Is there something?"

It sounded suspicious. The boy wasn't convinced of Robby's goodwill.

"You reacted. Now I know I can call you 'Ru'."

The eyes sharpened with rage. Apparently he didn't like that remark.

"It doesn't matter to you whether we'll find Light-kun or not, does it?"

That was funny too. During the phone conversation he'd called Lighto 'Light', and now he added '-kun' to it all the time. '-Kun' could mean endearment. Using someone's first name too. The boy added the honorific almost as if he had to remind himself every time he said it. He looked foreign, though, Japanese people didn't have frames built like that or white skins and wide eyes…European probably…There they didn't use honorifics at the end of names either.

"Are you foreign?"

Cat-like slits with bags. Robby would have as much eye brow as the boy by the end of the night.

"_That_ is definitely none of your business."

An English accent, very slight. You wouldn't hear it if you weren't trying to.

"Are you English?"

Robby saw fists clenching even harder in the pockets of the far too wide jeans the boy wore.

"Like I said, that is none of your business. Do you want to find Light-kun or not?"

He said 'Light', not 'Raito'. Yup, he had to be English or something. Robby sighed.

"Ru, yes, I wanna find Lighto. I was just asking something, okay…? Don't be mad."

That just seemed to make Ru even madder. He turned his back to Robby and walked further down the narrow streets, where cars had to slow down before passing each other safely (not that they did). After five minutes with Ru, Robby already wondered if he had the smallest idea in what kind of neighborhood he was strolling around. He just seemed to feel too…At ease? No, that wasn't it…Like he…Knew how streets like this worked. He didn't feel at ease in the slightest, that was clear, but…The streets didn't seem to surprise him. Yes, that was it. The streets didn't seem to surprise him. He knew how to handle it.

They turned left where Robby had done the same with Light, another narrow street, littered with people. There wasn't much space and you had to push your way through them.

Something Ru didn't seem to like.

"There is no way I am going through _THAT_. There has to be another w-HEY!"

Robby expected that. He took a fragile wrist in his hand, not too hard to make sure it wouldn't break in case it was as delicate as it looked (which wasn't the case, the limb felt stronger than Robby expected) and pulled Ru through the mass of people. He heard the boy behind him object and struggle, but he ignored it and tugged at the lithe arm, and after a minute, they were out of the mass again, where Ru pulled his arm back with power and glared at Robby, laying a hand on his butt as if he tried to feel if it still was there. Right, Lighto had complained about that too…Young men in these streets were always groped in masses like that. And poor Ru obviously wasn't used to that, he had to feel worse than just 'groped'…

"Ru, sorry, I forgot boys like you always get g-GUH!"

Robby felt his head fall back when a sneaker-clad foot made contact with his face. He had to take three steps back to make sure he wouldn't fall. For a second, he saw stars, and when he saw clear again, he noticed Ru six feet away from him, close to the ground. He had kicked him in the face. How had he done that, he wasn't tall enough…?

"Don't you _dare _to tell me the same happened to Light-kun."

Right, that was it…

"He complained about the same…It's okay, Ru, he didn't seem to make a problem out of it…"

The boy obviously tried not to snort. Jeez, what would it take to make him trust Robby…? Robby felt his face and neck, before noticing Ru was walking away again. Robby just followed and gave him instructions how he should walk. It would be useless to try to lead him like he'd let Lighto, Ru was just too...Opinionated. After for about ten minutes, two men he knew from the Shark-mission a few months ago, Jack and Gunner, walked at him. Yes, that had been fun…That man called Shark who owned most of the brothels around here had bought poison that intensified pain, to sell for use on the young prostitutes, without them knowing. Sick idiots, wanting those poor boys to feel pain and scream harder…Robby never paid for sex. It was low. The only reason for him (and the men he was facing now) to live in that horrible place was to help young boys who really needed help. And hell, there were lots of them…

The man with the black hair, Jack, with the same cross as always on his chest (how logical, if tattooed) walked at them and waved at Robby, before gawking at Ru.

"Robby, didn't know you went to those gay hookers! You said you didn't!"

Robby practically felt everything around Ru glow with red. Understandable, poor boy, being misunderstood for a hooker…Nothing against hookers, but if you weren't one…

"This one isn't. His boy is lost around here and we try to find him…"

Gunner, the blond man clad in purple leather pants walked to Ru and grabbed his chin. He was even taller than Robby and Ru was forced to lean forward when his head was pushed back. He visibly stiffened when he felt Gunner's body against his. Oh well, Gunner had always been like this…Making fun of the poor young boys…

"Really? Well, boy, you'd make lotsa money in this business! Consider it, right?"

Ru glared at Gunner, Robby knew, though he couldn't see his face.

"I believe he said I was not classified as a whore. And being called a 'gay hooker' is insulting for both me and all male prostitutes you are referring to. Please let go of my chin or I'll have to kick you."

Gunner brought his face closer. Ru didn't back off or look away. Brave thing, Gunner was a heavy smoker and loved garlic, Robby knew…He wondered if he should do something about it when Gunner grabbed Ru's ass and pressed his crotch against him.

"You are really cute. Seriously, how much would it cost to have you for myself for an hour or something…?"

Robby watched Ru slap Gunner's arm away in a swift movement and dive to the ground, to kick the blonds' face hard. How he did it was still a miracle for Robby. He doubted if it was necessary though, Gunner never paid for sex too, he just made jokes about it. He couldn't blame Ru anyway. Gunner always went too far with that, like Robby told him more often. The blond fell backwards and caught himself, his hand falling right in a fresh and big piece of blue chewing gum. He sat up and looked at it.

"Eww…"

Jack and Gunner. They were hero's. And Ru probably didn't know it…

"It is that I saw both your criminal records and know what you two did about those drugs. If not, I would've get you get arrested for assault. I also know both your real names, if you want to have it confirmed, you can ask."

Robby stared at Ru. How could he know that…He was so confident…Did he really know their names…? Robby didn't even know…The men looked impressed too. Jack looked at Ru and smiled.

"I don't know who you are, but I like you. But, tell, you said you lost your boy or something?"

Ru pointed at Robby with a slender index finger.

"He said, to be exact."

Jack grinned. Ru didn't look shy or anything in the least. Robby never expected that, to be honest. Jack hadn't either. Not that Ru looked shy or anything...

"The guy I look for is eighteen, for about my length, brunette. Tanned skin, slight build, civilized clothing and according to him," he pointed at Robby again, "has he been running around crying. Does one of you happen to recognize him?"

Jack and Gunner frowned, trying to remember if they saw him.

Jack nodded after a few seconds. "Yes, I believe I've seen him. It might've been eleven o'clock. Black shirt, red jeans? Pretty boy?"

Ru obviously tried to remember what Lighto had been wearing when he saw him for the last time. No, it didn't take a genius to figure out Lighto was pretty...

"…Yes, I believe so? Where have you seen him?"

This time Jack pointed over his shoulder. "In one of the streets over there. He just ran, he didn't seem to know where he was or where he was going. He cried. I followed him, but I lost him. I decided someone else would pick him up and went on…Wait, watch out."

Robby followed his mate's gaze and turned around, a few seconds before he'd be hit on his head again. Two bold guys with bats stood ten feet behind him. Right-o, they'd been watching him when he took Lighto to his apartment…Could it be them who hit him, back then…? Robby pulled his gun out of his pocket and heard his buddies pull theirs too. He took a look over his shoulder to make sure Ru stood behind them. He still didn't look insecure, though. In the split-second Robby saw him, he looked…Calculating…

Two dumb-looking gazes slid over the four men in front of them and rested on Ru's face.

"Huhuhu…Look, another one…"

Two pangs behind him and Robby froze when he heard his buddies scream in pain. He looked back again and noticed those kiddo's he saved Lighto from…The same yellow-haired guy with the triangle-shaped teeth, the same bulldozer with fat hiding his belt, and the same small boy with a gun that somehow looked too big for him. He had a new one, apparently, Robby had thrown his old one in a bin... The tall guy with the shark-like features licked his lips when he examined Ru. Robby shot a glance at his mates again. Their arms were bleeding, but they nodded at him. Ru looked anxious, up to what seemed to be the rooftops of the buildings next to him…Was that what he meant with 'if you touch me, you'll be shot'…? His surveillance seemed absent, though...

He looked to his right and left, and to Robby.

"Take those bat guys. I'll deal with the others-"

BANG

Robby saw the ground coming closer when his standing leg was hit by a bullet. For a second, he was blinded by pain. He tried to find balance on the ground and gripped on the stones, he had to see what was happening...Ru, he was standing alone now, what was he going to do...Robby looked up, nothing had changed, no one had moved yet.

Ru focused his gaze on the shark-like guy and Robby could practically hear the alarm bells ring in his head. The guy obviously noticed and smirked maliciously.

"Easy, look, I told you. What are they doing here anyway...?"

The scrawny boy turned his head to the tall guy pleadingly, as if begging him to confirm his importance.

"It looks like they were saving another hooker..."

It didn't work, he received a pat on the back of his head that was a little too hard to be jovial.

"C'mon, direct that gun at those cops on the ground, that hooker is unarmed."

Robby saw the skin around Ru's knuckles getting white, and he stiffened when the bold guys came closer. He threw one more look at the roof tops above him before he noticed the gang coming closer too.

Another few 'BANG's.

Four bullets sailed through the air with mastered perfection and blew away the bats of the broad men and the gun of the little guy, and the iron pipe in the fat guy's hands made a metallic sound when it fell on the stones, bullet stuck in it. Robby looked around. No one to see at the rooftop… Nope, his mates couldn't shoot like that with their arms wounded…They didn't seem to mind, though. Their eyes were directed to Ru.

Robby followed their gazes to a revolver held by pale hands, and the delicate arms holding them up. The heaving chest and the pale-white complexion, the most blank and controlled expression Robby had ever seen. The confidence in the black eyes.

Ru had unarmed all the attackers with four perfect shots.

"Ru…"

His face was white as a blanket, really. And he still didn't look scared or surprised by his own abilities in the least. His left shoe two feet away from Robby tapped on the stones.

"Give me your gun."

Robby looked around, to see his revolver laying two feet behind him. He took it and handed his revolver to Ru, who pointed it at the bold men, the other one at the stunned guys on his other side.

"Ru…"

Ru kept his gaze on his 'victims'.

"Is there something?"

It sounded polite, somehow. Robby couldn't but smile inwardly.

"Those guys…I saved Lighto from them…The small ones…"

The dark eyes sharpened, if possible. For a split-second, Ru's eyes flickered to Robby's direction. And back to the 'gang'.

"You three, go that way, or I'll have to shoot you."

True. There were five bullets left in Robby's favorite weapon.

The three guys did as they were told, though the scrawny and the fat boy acted slow and anxious because of the weapon threatening them, the tall guy not looking too impressed. Once the five evil creatures were grouped, Ru told them to put their hands up, and walked a little closer, his back straightened. He really looked like 5'8" now. Little bit taller, maybe. Though that still wasn't too tall in Robby's opinion. The creatures did as they were told, uneasy under Ru's guns, but even more under his stare, Robby noticed.

"Has one of you seen a brunette boy, eighteen years old, lost around here? Answer honestly, I'll figure you out anyway. If you don't I will shoot you and it's gonna hurt."

Robby had never seen anyone who could look and sound this impressive and dangerous, he was sure. He glanced at Jack and Gunner, who looked downright stunned someone like that could actually know how to hold a gun. The guy with the shark-like nose licked his lips again.

"Hehe, cute guy, your length, your age? You mean Virgie? He's not a virgin anymore, anywa-"

BANG

The whole group froze and yellow-haired guy frowned when he sniffed in the smell of burnt hair.

"Who the hell do you think you are?"

Ru didn't move.

"I think, that you know where he is and that you are going to lead me to him. I have enough bullets left; you aren't going to do anything about it."

For a minute, nothing happened. Ru kept the guns directed at the group, Robby and his mates only stared. The group did the same. Ru didn't shake, didn't sweat. Despite that, his thoughts were almost visible behind his eyes.

What did that guy just say, Lighto wasn't a virgin anymore…?

Lighto was-

"Should we take it over, Ryuzaki?"

Ru looked over his shoulder, to the face of a strong, but polite-looking elderly (and probably foreign, like Ru) man who was holding a gun too.

"Sorry we weren't here the last ten minutes, Matsuda-san thought he saw Light-san and we needed all our manpower to get him out of the trouble he caused. They should be arriving about…now."

Robby looked at the end of the alley to see four men appear, all of them holding guns. Policemen. He recognized them when he saw them. A strong-looking man with a moustache and wrinkles around his eyes and mouth that showed… _fatherly _concern. Lighto's Dad…? He had small facial similarities to him, now that Robby knew what he was looking for…A strong sense of justice was notched in his face and soul. Robby smiled. It had been long since he'd seen someone like that.

The second one was a young and clumsy-looking man, black hair and a gun too. He looked determined to shoot if necessary, though. Robby figured he was the 'Matsuda' who had caused trouble. The third one had a big afro and a big nose, and directed his gun at Gunner and Jack, who looked at him questioningly, and pointed at the group Ru was pointing his guns at. The fourth one was a broad man with short spikes, who was most likely taller than any man in the alley.

Robby hadn't seen Ru this relaxed yet. He visibly exhaled and turned back to the group.

"Where have you seen him last?"

The shark-like guy didn't seem the least impressed by all the guns directed at him.

"Turn around, turn left, third alley on your right hand, but don't think you'll see him back alive, ten minutes ago he was almost bye bye. Shame, I'd have loved to do that ass again."

The broad men behind him chuckled. Ru and Lighto's Dad froze and gripped their guns tighter.

"Watari, Asahi-san, we'll go there. Matsui, Aihara and Mochi, call the police and make sure they get arrested. Shoot them if necessary. Robby-"

Ru glanced down at Robby.

"Please make sure you and those two get to the hospital."

Robby nodded.

"You, make sure Lighto gets out alive. I'll see you again."

Ru nodded again and handed Robby his gun, looked at everybody for a last time and ran away, together with the older men. Robby sighed, and hoped Lighto would make it out alive.

Ru. What a special person.

He was so young. And all these men just followed his orders. He was almost like a super-genius or something…

Robby sighed and tried to stand up, holding himself up to the wall, and directed his gun at the group. He blinked when his buddies did the same, holding their guns in their other hand.

He looked at the men in front of him, and thought of what they'd done.

The police would come soon, he knew.

"You guys…are in big trouble, y'know."

* * *

Light blinked. He'd been gone…

Something woke him up again…

Shots…He'd heard gun shots…Where had they been…? Had they been gun shots anyway…

He knew nothing, absolutely nothing…And yet, he felt like…Like the end was near…

Just dark…A soft darkness, deep black, like slumber…Deeper…

Was this the real end…? Pain…Yes, pain…

No, it wasn't pain, it was warmth…His body was drugged…All the searing hurt was calmed down until it was just soft warmth…

Was it minutes passing, were it seconds, or were it hours…? Days or months…Years…

…No, that wasn't it…

A voice…Two voices…

He knew them…

They were calling his name…

Was that the end…? Voices calling your name…? The end wasn't so bad…

…Warm…

He opened his eyes for a second. A face…He knew that face…It was one of the first faces he'd ever seen…

'…_Dad…You came…'_

Where was the other face… There was another one he wanted to see…There…Yes…He recognized it…

'…_You…Came too…'_

Orange warmth…Outside…Inside…

…

Yagami Light…Was sure…He died…

…Happily…

Eyes shut…

Darkness…

…

Fading light…

…

The end.


	6. Guilt

_A/N: Well…First, I wanted to say…__Like you see, the former chap wasn't the end. Sorry if I freaked you out. I didn't mark it as 'complete' and I put something on my profile, but I can imagine some of you haven't noticed/read that. So…Well…Here, chap 6!!:D I hope you'll like it:D I sincerely hope this is NOT the kind of story that loses its charms as soon as it continues where it should've endedXD Really, I couldn't let it end like this, though I agree with some of you that it would've been a beautiful ending. But like (I hope^^) most of you, do I care for L and Light and do I hate sad endings. So…Here!!:P Read:D Thanks to everyone who reviewed, btw^^ I love to hear other's opinions. _

_Cheers:p_

_**6.**__** Guilt**_

The ambulance drove fast. Within minutes, they'd be in the hospital. Sirens boomed through the vehicle, alerting everyone outside there was somebody whose life was in possible danger. Sometimes the ambulance slowed down, and the one sitting inside of it were pushed into their seat. Sometimes there'd be a curve in the road, and they'd fall to their left or right. If there were holes or other imperfections in the road, they'd feel how their heads moved lightly as the wheels bounced in and out of them.

If you looked out of a window from any hotel in Tokyo, or in most other cities, you would see and hear many ambulances. Some of those people would die, some in the ambulance, some later, in the hospital, or somewhere else. Some wouldn't, they'd live. Maybe it turned out it was a false alarm and there hadn't been anything wrong. Maybe it was a little kid who saw the telephone and played with it, accidentally calling for an ambulance.

Light had done the same when he was five, he had said once.

It's imaginable Sachiko Yagami hadn't been happy when she saw an ambulance stop in front of her door, realized she hadn't heard Light for an hour, tripped over the stairs and found him in her and Soichiro's room, playing with their telephone. After a week, people were still asking if she was all right and Light had felt guilty as hell, he remembered. He'd only wanted to chat to someone who could tell him about working in an ambulance, how it was.

That's what Light had said once.

He'd never see this ambulance from the inside, though, as he was unconscious now. Vague sounds came from behind the wall separating the driver from what was happening with the injured one, to make sure he could concentrate on driving fast. Two numb-looking men stared at the asphalt disappearing out of sight as soon as the wheels of the ambulance drove over it. The blue lights flickered and the morning would break through the sky within an hour. Soichiro's shallow breathing was audible through the sounds of the sirens, but the driver didn't pay attention to it and continued to hurry to the hospital. No, he had no idea who it was, maybe dying behind him and still, it was Light's fate lying in his hands. The two people sitting next to him were happy that he drove very fast and smooth through the late night. Or early morning. The usual issue when talking about times like that.

There were voices coming from behind them. It wasn't clear what they were saying, but they sounded relatively calm. They were busy, that was clear, but no one was panicking, yet. It had been shocking to see Light. From a distance there wasn't much to see, but when they walked closer into that alley, where that guy had told them to go, you could see a body. Walking closer again made the shape of a slender body visible, lying on his back with his limbs lifeless, and visible deep cuts in his upper legs, drenching him in blood. His clothes had been ripped, his belt too, and there had been glass with a strange watery liquid dripping off pointing out of his foot. His face had been violated too, and his eyes thick like he'd done nothing than crying all the time.

He'd looked at their faces for a second and something resembling a smile had tugged at the corner of his lips, before his eyes had shut and all the expression had faded away from his face. How ironic…Was he mocking them…?

L didn't want to think about the reason why that all had happened. It was his fault, he knew that very well. He'd been mean.

Very mean.

Too mean.

He'd been cruel and sadistic.

And this was the result. No matter how you turned it, no matter if you said L had been right, no matter if you said this weren't his intentions. It was L's fault.

If only Light had known back then, thirteen years ago when he called an ambulance, how real guilt had felt. Then he wouldn't have complained, then he wouldn't even remember he felt guilty, years ago.

Because _this_…

_This_ was probably worse than all the pain Light had gone through, and that must've been a lot. L would go through everything Light felt if it would stop the guilt that was currently searing his insides away.

Light. It was L's fault. It was all L's fault. L's fault Light cried. Once or twice, or probably more often. Way more often. The whole night.

It was L's fault Light had been lost. That he'd panicked over his way back, that he'd most likely doubted if he even wanted to go back, that he'd feared those things that had eventually happened.

It was L's fault too that Light was violated. The blood, his face, his foot… He was hurt, he had been in pain and would be again, if he were alive, and he wouldn't be in pain if L had been only a little less hard to him.

No, that wasn't even true. He shouldn't have been hard on Light at all. He should've reacted more calmly and tell Light why he couldn't return his love. Not yet. Not before Kira was caught.

Kira. That seemed so unimportant right now.

And L prayed, hell, he _prayed_ to anyone who wanted to hear that that shark-like guy lied over what he'd done to Light. If it had really happened and if Light had been used like that, L would never be able to forgive himself. He'd seen it often. He'd solved so many cases involving rape and a lot of those people would never be the same again. He'd seen strong people, even stronger than Light, who'd turned into miserable nothingness after it happened to them. That all could happen to Light too. Hell no, please no… L crossed his fingers and breathed in and out, trying to light the indescribably tight feeling in his chest. He bit his lip. Light. '_Please, please be okay, Light-kun…_'

He focused on the asphalt and blinked. What if Light was Kira…? L hadn't even thought about that yet. Surely Kira would be destroyed by this? There is no way his pride could deal with rape. Kira thought he was God, and God couldn't be raped. Kira was the one who punished the rapists. If Light was Kira, Kira wouldn't be anymore. If Light didn't remember and would regain his memories, he'd throw Kira away. Maybe pass his powers to someone else, but he'd never want to be Kira again.

And what _if_ Light really couldn't remember being Kira, and all of this had happened because of…L…

L squeezed his eyes shut, and it would be an understatement to point out this wasn't something L did often. This felt horrible. Light, Light had been Kira, there was no other explanation, but if he lost his memories for a reason that didn't interest L right now, he wasn't Kira anymore, just Light. Light loved L and he told him in all that softness L was so fond of, and L had hit him where it hurt the most…

It hurt so badly to think about who Light was, or used to be. He was strong, he really was… so strong… But would he be strong enough to deal with this…? What would become of him? maybe he would keep scars from this marking him for life, and the emotional scars…And what if he wouldn't make it through…?

Guilt.

L had never felt something this painful, he was sure and hell, he'd felt a lot.

He'd actually seen people die that he was supposed to take care of, right in front of his… well, not eyes, camera, but that was still bad. He hated it. The first time, when he was thirteen, he'd been completely broken. It hurt. He'd been shocked, he felt guilty and he'd been horribly afraid, and still cried over it one year after it happened.

But it hadn't been this bad, he was very, very sure.

What about the man next to him? Soichiro, Light's Dad? What would happen to him? What would happen if Light didn't make it through, what would happen if he found out about the reason why…? He'd hate him. L was used to that, he'd always had people who wanted his head, and he'd never really cared about it, but this was different. Soichiro was a good person and he didn't deserve this. L respected his honesty and courage, and his love for his family. He'd find it really sad if he hated him.

He realized he had become emotionally attached to someone whose son had been raped because of him.

Sigh…He gripped his knees tightly and tried to breathe some of that guilt he felt out. In…Out…Slowly…Light would make it through…

L suddenly felt a voice from far away enter his head.

"Ryuzaki…We've arrived at the hospital."

He followed Soichiro to where the nurse led them to. A hospital. He'd been here with Light and Soichiro before, when Soichiro had a heart attack due to stress.

His fault too, he realized.

He was getting weak. He shouldn't think like this, it was useless.

He saw the halls of the hospital and followed the back of the brave man in front of him. He must be feeling even worse than L did…His son, his one and only son was in an unknown state of injury, and hell knew what else happened or would happen to him…All Light's life, he'd seen him grown up, his own flesh and blood, and it was unlikely there was any other son on earth who could've made a father prouder, and L had never seen anyone with a bigger heart than that man.

No, there was no one on earth you could hurt more like this than Soichiro Yagami.

The nurse pointed at an empty room filled with a few comfortable red couches they sat on. It was quiet for a few minutes. L pulled his knees tightly against his chest and hid his lower face behind them, his eyes gliding through the room without registering it. He listened to the shallow breathing of Light's Dad and closed his eyes again, to bury his face in his knees. He sighed. It sounded defeated, and that didn't go unnoticed by Soichiro. L felt a hand rubbing his back shakily and gently. He didn't move and let the hand do as it pleased, until it rested on his shoulder and L had to look up, into Soichiro's eyes. Soichiro looked bad too. He looked as if he was going to cry any minute. Both he and L gulped, and Soichiro sighed.

"Ryuzaki…Why did Light…"

Apparently L looked really defeated now, because Soichiro pulled a hesitant face and visibly considered pulling his hand away. L laid his cheek on his right knee and stared at the man without a real reason. Soichiro looked puzzled.

"Do you want to tell…?"

It was more like an appeal than a question. L wondered. What would happen if he told him…Would it help Light…? L didn't know. He didn't know how Soichiro would react on the fact that Light was gay –would Light want his Dad to know…? - and that L was the actual reason he ran away. On the other side…What would one of them win if he told a lie or something…? Just more insecurity and problems to solve. What should he do…?

Soichiro squeezed L's shoulder.

"Ryuzaki…Did Light… Run away because of…you…?"

The poor man was actually begging L for an answer. It didn't make the guilt poisoning L's body and mind lighter. What should he do…? He should have more time to think about things like this…

Before he could really think about it, L sighed and nodded. Lying wouldn't help and Soichiro wouldn't even believe it if he denied it. Soichiro didn't look surprised. He looked relieved L responded. He took a breath, as if preparing for something.

"Does it have something to do with Kira?"

L bit his lower lip.

"I'm afraid, yes."

Soichiro sighed and gripped onto L's shoulder a little tighter, as if trying to find some support in the bone he was now hurting. L didn't wince. That little hurt wasn't even worth a thought.

…Oh, the irony.

"Did you accuse my son of being Kira again?"

Again, it wasn't a threat. It wasn't severe. It didn't even sound directed to L. It was a question he didn't want the answer of.

"Yes. I did."

A sad sigh. Soichiro blinked. It was silent for a minute, and L practically smelled Soichiro preparing to ask something he already knew the answer of.

"Was that the reason why he actually walked away while he was…_crying_?"

L gripped onto his knees again. There it was. The moment of the truth. He knew Soichiro wasn't as bright as he or Light was, but he knew what went around in someone else's head, and had most likely noticed L or Light's love for the other. The second, probably.

"He told you he…Loves…"

Soichiro's breathing stopped for a second, waiting for L's response. L sat still for a moment, before he closed his eyes again and nodded. He heard Soichiro next to him sigh and rest his forehead in his hand. The guilt. So-much-guilt. It was unbearable. L thought he'd throw up if it went on for much longer. He gripped onto his stomach with his hand and curled up into a ball further. Soichiro sighed again, and sat up. L felt the eyes in his back and pulled his shoulders up to his ears, for as far as possible.

He startled visibly when he felt the hand on his shoulder again. Startling. That probably looked like an idiot. Oh well. Soichiro probably didn't even think about that right now.

"And you reacted by accusing him of being Kira…"

Was that supposed to make him feel better…?

L nodded nonetheless.

"...But what's more important in that matter, what do you feel for my son…?"

L was stunned. He had no idea what to think of this. He'd honestly thought of Light's Dad as a homophobe. Someone that…well…_straight_ and…Japanese and all…Why did he act like this? Did he really care that much for Light? That was an option though…Soichiro would love his son more than he hated (or actually, misunderstood) homosexuals. That he would want to know something like that sounded strange to L. He turned his head to one of the few persons he'd learnt to truly respect over the years, through synthetic voices and camera's, to someone to work with on a personal level, to even the father of the one he loved, and looked at him, without blinking.

"Why do you want to know, mister Yagami?"

Soichiro saddened a little.

"I saw you together before-" Soichiro coughed, "…_this_ happened. Light is happy around you. It's my son's luck, and if being with you can make him happy, then I agree with it."

Fine. Now L felt guilty for thinking of this man as a total homophobe. It couldn't get much worse…

A nurse came in and stood in front of them.

"Yagami Light's relatives…?"

She looked questioningly at L. L just nodded. Stupid nurse with her stupid suspicions.

Which were practically true.

"Right. I have to tell you that Yagami Light is stabile at the moment. His wounds have been disinfected and will heal quickly, most of them won't even leave scars. The liquid that entered his foot has been identified and it will be destroyed by the body itself within hours. His blood loss was small enough to keep him alive, and his pulse is normal right now. Well, ehm…We don't know when he'll wake up, but when he does he probably has to deal with the memories of being raped multiple times. We're testing him for diseases and the results should be ready within two days."

The nurse left, leaving L and Soichiro in shock. Raped. Multiple. Times. Light…

That was so unfair…

L vaguely noticed he was standing and sat down on the couch again, and curled up so tight that he felt the blood streaming out of his limbs. He shook and his breath was audible now, But he couldn't cry. He wished he could. It would make everything lighter, if only a little.

But he couldn't.

Next to him, Soichiro started sobbing. It sounded so sad, so…Broken…L felt himself almost choking. He had to do something or he'd actually die from regret and that maddening guilt…

But Light was raped. Light was raped multiple times…Probably by the men he'd seen in that alley…Or more…? Light-kun… L wanted to cry so badly. He whispered Light's name and tried to force the tears out, but he felt dried. Like he was a sun-dried tomato, or a raisin. Raisin. Sweet.

Blegh.

The thought of food made him want to throw up again.

Instead, he leaned his head back and let his knees fall until he sat normally and couldn't think straight anymore. He didn't want to think about all those things. All he wanted was to cry. To throw out everything that was piercing his heart. Sure, yeah, he had a heart. And it hurt like hell.

All he wanted was to see Light and comfort him, hold him and make him forget everything that happened. Heal him, so that he could go on with his life again, but that could mean L had to let him go. L would remind him of his rape forever.

He wanted to turn back time back twelve hours. How late was it, 7:30AM…? Soichiro hadn't slept, and the other men hadn't either, how tired did they have to be…? L didn't know, he wasn't affected by a single night without sleep. 7:30PM, yesterday. What had he and Light been doing, back then...? Eating, Watari had made Light a steak. Right. And Light had found it delicious and practically forced L onto eating it too. L hadn't liked it, but Light understood. He'd offered L another piece, covered in sugar. With sugar, L liked steak. Light had laughed warmly at the face L tried not to pull when he tasted the pepper covering the piece of meat.

Light's laugh. L wanted to hear it, to know Light was fine. He suddenly heard the sobs next to him and looked at Soichiro Yagami. _He_ was broken. More than L, probably. His family, his dear son, something had happened to him…Something really bad…He probably felt like his life was ending here. L had a hard time to decide what had to be worse. Being rejected harshly and raped multiple times in one night, having to know that all of that happened to your son, or having to deal with the guilt because you were the one who caused all that.

He chose for the second one.

Or the first…?

And hell yeah, this guilt was the most shitty feeling L ever experienced.

But, he'd never been raped and he didn't have a son.

So he didn't know if he actually had a say in that matter.

He listened to the sobs again. They were the saddest L had ever heard. It was almost like a bad movie. This all was a bad movie. Maybe they were just plotting against him, and were there cameras everywhere.

Yeah, as if that would happen. The chance was less than two percent…

Stupid numbers. All they were good for was impressing others. He didn't even mean anything by it…

L felt the shadow of a grin flicker in his stomach.

But it was gone again after a few seconds.

Thoughts. They kept on running through his mind, without being important or useful in some way. L wanted to stop it. He didn't want to think anymore. He felt sicker than he'd ever done before.

He wanted to throw up or cry. Or both. As long as it made him feel a little better. As long as it would make the sickening feeling in his core disappear.

He felt a hand squeezing his shoulder again and L saw in those eyes the guilt he felt was painted on his face. Soichiro looked like an old dog whose boss had died. So sad and broken, but he still paid attention to L.

Such a good man. L was so touched, and still he couldn't simply c_ry._ God, what he'd pay to be able to do that. He'd give the whole world for five short minutes of just sobbing and moaning like there was no tomorrow. Though he knew he could never do that. If L cried, it was never more than silent tears.

Light could cry. Light had cried twice in front of L. Once when he and L had been fighting because Light was moody, and Matsuda had spilled a few cups of hot coffee over him, Light had cried. In the kitchen, without looking ashamed. And after that, he'd smiled and crushed L in a stifling embrace, thankful that he'd wanted to listen to him and comfort him. He'd also cried tears with sprouts when L had rejected him.

Yes. Light could cry. He was blessed.

How sad. Light-kun. Soft, strong, sweet, arrogant, sensitive Light-kun. L wanted to hold him so bad, comfort him like he'd done back then…

Another nurse stopped in front of them, raising an eyebrow when she saw Soichiro rubbing L's back. L raised an eyebrow too. She saw it and blushed. L suddenly got the strong impression that those bitches had been talking about him, and it wasn't hard to figure out what they thought of him.

Homophobes.

Really, had they never seen a man _comforting_ another...?

"I have come to offer the gentlemen a drink. Can I tempt you with some water or a coffee? For proper food: there's a sandwich corner two streets away."

L tried to look as dark as he could when he announced he wanted a double espresso, extra fine, with nine fucking sugars. It worked. She blinked and tried to get away from his stare. L felt the urge to grin, and he let one of the corners of his mouth twitch simultaneously with his eyebrow.

Really, her stare. This was almost starting to become funny.

Soichiro noticed it and ignored L, but looked mildly disturbed at the looks of the nurse. "I'd like an espresso too. Black is fine."

The nurse nodded. "As you wish, gentlemen."

Coffee. L stared at the end of the hall, where the morning light was flowing through the windows. He suddenly felt empty. Very empty. He should've been showering together with Light now. They could've been together. They could've been kissing, naked-fighting and laughing in the shower. He could've done that and let Kira wait for later. Light wasn't Kira anymore. He could've talked about it with Light and found a solution together, but that wasn't possible now…

Ah. The coffee. L gulped it down his throat in a second. The sugar hadn't dissolved yet and it was too bitter and far too hot, and he almost choked on the pieces of sugar cube coming after the coffee. It filled him up from the inside. As if a little piece of his guilt had been burnt away, as if there was a little less space for it left in his stomach. The warmth lightened the empty feeling a little.

The sugar cubes just tasted good.

He heard a door open and voices talk. Nurses came outside, and a broad and tall man came out and addressed them with another 'gentlemen'. He coughed.

"Yagami…" He glanced at the piece of paper he was holding- "…Light's life is out of danger and we are sure he'll heal completely. We haven't found any sexual diseases, which is a wonder. A few tests are in progress, but we don't expect much from them. He talks again already, though slow and confused. He may not remember anything yet, due to what was probably a kick against his head, but that will come back later. You may visit him now."

The man smiled at them and lied a hand on L's shoulder. He was six feet tall and looked down upon him. L didn't feel especially tall today…He didn't like that man, and those nurses. They talked about someone's life like it was nothing for them.

…It was, practically, but L still felt annoyed when they acted so calmly when they talked about his Light being destroyed and used. He had to look up a little before he could look the doctor straight in the face again. Short…

"Boy, ehm…Maybe it's better not to tell him what happened, yet. It's better to let his memories turn back by itself. Good luck."

A wink. Was that a homophobe, did he think L was too stupid to think of that himself, or both, or none of them? L decided he didn't care a fuck about it and walked to the door in the back of the hall.

He held in his breath when he stepped through the door, to meet the gaze of a bandage-covered Yagami Light.

_*******_


	7. Ignorance

_**7. **__**Ignorance**_

L stopped in the doorway when he saw, felt, _tasted_ Light's eyes falling on him. He startled when he noticed all the plaster that covered his could-have-been boyfriend.

He really looked beaten. His left cheek was covered by a swab, and his right cheek was packed in something that looked like plaster. His arms lied next to him, infusions coming out of his swollen wrists. There were several scratches and a big bruise on his arm. His face lit up when he saw the two familiar faces appear. He spoke a little slow and soft, but still vivid and delighted.

"Ryuzaki, Dad, you're here! What happened? They don't want to tell…"

L clenched his fist and sat down on one of the chairs next to Light's bed. Light smiled at him as if he had no idea that L had rejected him like that. He acted like how he used to before what happened nine hours ago, or something like that. 8:03AM. Light ran away at 11:02PM. Yes. Almost exact nine hours. L sighed, and Light's smile disappeared when he saw L's expression. L had noticed before that Light had become familiar with his facial expressions and could read him as good as L could read Light. But, no one could have missed a certain expression that stuck to L's features like honey that moment, and he couldn't eat it off. Sadly. He tried to smile at Light to calm him down a little, but he felt it wasn't working. Light looked worried.

"It's fine, Ryuzaki, I'm alive…You look like you threw me in front of a bus or something. Don't worry, whatever you did, I'm not mad, okay?"

Light thought it had been a car accident that happened, clearly… and he thought L had forced him on going somewhere, and that accident happened while he didn't actually want to be there.

Yes, L and Light knew each other's thinking patterns by now…

The person next to L shifted closer to his son and rested his elbows on his knees.

"Light, what is the last thing you can remember?"

Soichiro. He had the right to see how Light was doing, first.

Light blinked and stared at the ceiling for a second.

"I remember… Eating together with you, Ryuzaki… Steak, and you ate a piece too."

A smile slid over Light's pretty, but beaten features.

"And after that you took a piece of strawberry cake and you took that upstairs. That is the last thing I remember...Am I right?"

L nodded. "Yes Light-kun. You're right."

Light visibly worried about L. "Ryuzaki, don't worry, please…"

L tried to smile so hard, but he failed epically. Light now looked at his father.

"Dad, what happened? Why won't anybody tell me…? If I'll never be able to walk again or need a donor kidney, you can tell. I can handle it, okay?"

Soichiro shook his head and started sobbing again. Light's eyes widened and he began to touch his own body, in an attempt to find something that could tell him why his Dad was crying so hard. When he peeked into the hospital clothing he was clad in to see if there was anything that could tell him, Soichiro shook his head again and looked up at his only son, who looked so pure and innocent right now.

"No, son, there is nothing wrong with your organs and limbs and you'll probably heal within less than a month…"

Light blinked and looked from his father to L, who both looked down. He leaned back in the big pillow and slanted it so he could look around the room. L watched his eyes roll and his hand touching his forehead.

"My head hurts…"

Soichiro moved a little closer to his son again.

"You really don't remember a thing…? Are you hurt, how do you feel…?"

Light grimaced. "I can't feel my legs, they said they paralyzed them…They gave me painkillers, but they're not working yet. My face and arm feel a bit…destroyed and my head hurts. Apart from that, I feel fine."

He smiled softly. At L, mostly.

Soichiro saw it and stood up. "Should I leave you two alone for a second…? I'm outside. I think your mother might be worried after hearing you were in the hospital, Light. I'm going to call her to tell her you are alright. I see you two later."

He left, and the silence hung in the, apart from L and Light, empty room thickly. L didn't know what to say, and that felt unnatural to him. Light looked at him, pulled a compassionate face and outstretched an arm.

"Ryuzaki…Don't feel bad, I'm fine, really…"

L hesitated. He and Light always hugged when they wanted to show the other it was fine. It was one of their favorite ways of showing the other acceptance. Of course, a hug meant more for them than that, but… L didn't feel like he deserved it, definitely.

Light had his arm still outstretched, inviting L to hug him. His eyes weren't pleading, but certain that he'd get that hug, whether it was now or within half an hour. L couldn't suppress a soft smile. This was so much like Light. Without his memories Light was untouched. He stood up and had to climb upon the bed before he could slide his arms around Light's shoulders and hold him tight. Light sighed softly, laid his head against L's and rubbed his back softly. L closed his eyes and inhaled Light's scent.

Light.

He didn't know what had happened to him.

He didn't know.

As soon as he remembered, he'd probably not want to touch others anymore. This could be the last hug L would give Light for the next few months, if not years.

No. This was probably the last time he hugged Light, ever. The last time he'd come really close to him. It was either Light hating him because of what he'd done to him, directly or indirectly, or Light staying reluctant for physical contact for so long that both decided to go on with their lives like they'd done before, without each other, to live in peace. L sighed in pure sadness and tried to enjoy Light's warmth and scent the best he could.

'_I'm so sorry. I'm so horribly sorry, Light-kun…'_

L bit his lip. He felt like he was going to cry. But if he would, there would be no way he could stop himself, and it would only make Light worry. Plus, he'd never seen L cry before. L didn't know if he wanted him to, today.

He didn't sob. He didn't make other pathetic sounds. He wasn't crying. Light noticed L making a dry sound and pushed him back a little, so that he could see his face, and L knew that though he didn't cry, he looked horrible. This was weird. He wasn't used to others watching him this torn up. L moved away a little so that he sat on the bed, next to his raped love. He pulled his knees a little tighter; his shoes were standing in front of the bed anyway. Light looked at him for a minute before tilting his head to the side and soothing L's hair.

"Ryuzaki…Are you crying…?"

L bit his lip again. He tasted blood and Light reached out for a few tissues to clean it.

"Now don't do that, okay? I am the injured one. You can stay healthy."

The injured one. The raped one. L gasped when Light touched his lip. It hurt. A little compared to what Light had to feel…

"Do you feel that much pain, Light-kun…?"

Light tried to shift a little closer to L to get some better access to his lip, and to comfort him, but failed and pulled a pained face. L had to move closer again before Light could really touch him.

Light was close. L had always enjoyed Light being close to him, and though he couldn't but enjoy it, it made him feel bad. Light smiled at L, and L noticed him looking at his lips longingly.

'_Light-kun, why did all this have to happen…?'_

"A little. They told me they gave me painkillers and paralyzed my lower body. I can't feel or move my legs. I already looked, they're still there." Light laughed softly, and L disappeared in the sound for a second. He wanted to hear this. "My right foot is packed in band-aid. Did something happen to it…?"

L couldn't bring himself to tell Light he stepped in a pain-intensifying drug from some criminal. He pulled the infusion wires aside, shifted closer to Light and lifted him up, so that Light sat against him, his head resting against L's shoulder. L took his head in his arms, soothing his hair.

"Nothing bad happened to your feet, Light-kun. There's a simple wound because of something sharp. It will heal quickly."

Light sighed. "Oh, okay. There's really nothing with my body…?"

L shook his head. "Nothing like that happened to your body."

He couldn't tell what actually had happened with Light's body. He thought he was a virgin, he had no idea that it hadn't been a car accident…

"But why…did Dad cry like that, and do you look so…"

"Guilty. Don't even need to name it, Light-kun."

Light blinked, knocked off balance by L's sudden outburst, and the not-to-be-named-feeling in L's chest grew again until he thought it would push Light's head away. He sighed and resisted the urge to bite his lip again and spill blood in Light's hair.

"I'm sorry, Light-kun. I know…It's just…We were worried about you, and we were shocked but it's fine now. You'll heal."

Light didn't look convinced and looked up at L's face, turning a little so that he had to lift himself up. This was Light when he was acting stubborn. There we go... "You really look bad. There's something you're all hiding from me. Why won't _you_ tell me? I want to know, this feels bad. I only want to know what happened so I can deal with it, and get used to it before I get my memories back, okay? Please, Ryuzakiiii…"

L just bit his lip again and he tasted his own blood once more. He couldn't tell, he couldn't tell… Light wouldn't predict something like this could have happened. He was wrong, desire to know this wasn't as bad as knowing it…It had been the doctor's advice not to tell him and L had seen people knowing they were raped, but he'd never dealt with something like this, involving him personally... Light had to regain his memories himself. It was a natural process.

Light realized L wasn't going to tell him and apparently decided it was quicker to figure it out himself. He laid his head back on L's shoulder, naturally, without seeming to think about it too much. Light had done this before, it was normal for L and Light to rest their head on the other's shoulder. And yet, it unnerved L. He didn't deserve this.

"If it's not physical, it has to be mental…" Light's eyes widened. "Did someone die in front of my eyes? Have I seen someone being ripped apart? But then, you must've seen it too! You were with me, due to the handcuffs, right..?"

L focused his gaze on the ceiling. "No. You haven't seen anyone dying and I wasn't with you. Please, Light-kun, stop asking. This is hard for both of us, please rest, okay? For myself and your Dad."

Light looked at him stubbornly. L sighed.

"I beg you. Please stop asking me things like that."

Wrong answer. Very, very wrong answer. Light pushed L away and leant on his hands, as straight as he could.

"So, something bad happened, now I'm sure! Why don't you just fucking tell me, if those doctors don't, fine, but I thought YOU were on my side! Fuck you, Ryuzaki!"

L felt a trail of blood wetting his chin. Yes, it wasn't fun, being torn apart by your own conscience. One half telling you to leave him pure, and the other half, your guilt begging you to tell him…And Light himself, of course…This was hard. Everything was just so damn hard…

L let himself fall back and stared at the ceiling, his whole body lifeless, except the poison in his core. This had officially became too much. L knew very well how to deal with feelings and he was strong, experienced with people without memories, with guilt and with love for others, but this was way too much for one night. He curled up like a ball with his back to Light, and gripped to his stomach again. He felt like choking. He wanted to get away from here, and on the other side he needed to stay with Light.

Choking. Suffocating. Everything.

Light worried again when he saw L's reaction, and touched his shoulder.

"Oh, s-sorry, Ryuzaki, I didn't mean it like that. I just want to know what happened, that's everything… My head hurts, normally it'd all be clear, but it's all a bit blurry to me…and I want someone to tell me what happened. And if you don't I'm sure no one will. Can you understand how that is…?"

L nodded. He understood exactly how Light felt, like usual. He understood his worries and his fears, and why he'd want L to tell him, but that only made it worse for him. He felt Light's hand lay down on his side (not his shoulder, which would've been more…casual) and touch his ribs gently. L knew that Light would feel it if he'd sob, sigh or choke now.

"I understand, Light-kun. I understand what you mean and feel, but please, just regain your memories yourself." L turned around and faced Light. He looked so worried it was downright heart-breaking. "You'll soon understand. It's not nice what happened, and it's my fault, so know you're allowed to blame it all on me, but…I'll always be there for you, okay..?"

That sounded corny and completely out of character, but L meant it, from the bottom of his heart, and that didn't go unnoticed by Light. L sighed and sat up, let his legs fall and leaned to the slanted part of Light's bed. He could smell Light, that was how close he was…L suddenly felt like kissing him, just hold Light close and make him forget he existed, but it was a very bad idea. Light would only get more and more confused, he'd get mad when he regained his memories and L didn't want to kiss Light for that reason. It would be too dramatic and Light would only keep bad memories about it. L started to soothe Light's hair but stopped with it soon enough. It was confusing for Light, he was sure. He sighed and leaned his head back. Light. Light. Light. Guilt. It was almost as if it had become one in that short amount of time. Light. Guilt. He couldn't think about guilt without thinking about Light, and the other way round.

Light.

Guilt.

L wondered how it would feel to see it all disappear, to leave Light alone without his memories, and to leave all the guilt in this far too thin body behind. What would it be like, what would happen to Light…? He'd have his revenge, he'd see the one who did all this to him die in pain and guilt, right in front of his eyes. First, he'd be shocked and full of grief, but later he'd regain his memories and know it had been good for L to die.

No, wait. This wasn't right, this wasn't the right way to think, and most of it wasn't even true. L had to be the strong one, it wasn't righteous to expect Light to be. What he said was right, L had to be there for Light, he'd done this but he'd set things right. And though it probably wouldn't work, he had to give Light the chance to heal , and he'd need L for that. L sighed again and hugged Light a little tighter. Guilt or not, L would be there for Light.

Guilt.

That guilt. That wouldn't heal.

* * *

Light blinked. Weird. Why was everybody acting so weird? Something really bad happened, something…he shouldn't know. Something L felt really bad about, that was way too clear. He tried to read L's expression some more. Guilt, more guilt, pain and self-loathing. Poor L, what was going on in his head…? And what, WHAT had happened to him?

He wondered what had to be so bad that they acted like this. It had been a car accident, what could've brought him in that state if it hadn't been that…? A fight? L and Light had fought again…? No, L would never hit him hard enough to make him lose his memories. Right? Oh…Was that why he was looking so guilty…? Well then, why did his Dad look so sad and why did everybody so mysterious…?

Be there for him? He was going to need help, psychological help, but what could that have to do with a traffic accident…? Had it been that traumatic, had he seen things happen no one should ever see, was he scarred without knowing it…? And L hadn't been there, had he let him go and was that why he felt that guilty…?

Had it been a car accident, actually…?

Light's heart pounded. He suddenly felt anxious.

"Ryuzaki…I don't know if I want my memories back…"

L shook his head and took Light's hands in his. "No. You don't want to, Light-kun."

It was quiet for a few minutes, Light lay back against L's shoulder and gripped his throbbing head, L held his hand like every friend would do if someone close would be in a state like this. Light squeezed the hand. What happened, what had L done to him he was so guilty about…? Had he done something directly, with the wrong intentions, or had it been indirectly…? Would it make a difference…? Light's head throbbed harder, but he wanted to find out. What did he know…?

L had done something to him that was so bad that no one wanted to tell him, that had made his Dad cry and Light's memories disappear…His legs were intact but numbed, his body was covered with wounds and there was something with his face Light didn't want to know. L hadn't been with him when IT happened, and he either felt so guilty that he soothed Light's hair and allowed him to lay his head on his shoulder…Or they were together. Light's cheeks got red. Could it be that…? Had they been…How long had he been out…?

Light shifted closer to L again, and L made another dry sound. It sounded so guilty…Really…It was painful to see L like this. Light's heart ached.

"Ryuzaki…Don't be sad, okay?"

He wondered how many times he'd said that.

L made that same sobbing sound without tears. He wanted to cry, but he couldn't…? Light touched his face. L's skin was so soft and sensitive…Light lost himself in the softness for a second. He actually didn't really care about what happened. L was here, he was close and he was soft, warm and toned as always (meaning: bones with slight, hard muscles which were only soft because of the skin covering them. But still sexy). Light would get his memories back and he'd understand it all, and he could tell L he didn't care about him. Whatever L had done, he regretted it and it couldn't be that L had hurt him directly. L had probably insulted him with resulting in Light going away and some accident happened…Had he been beaten or something…?

Light didn't want to know, now that he really thought about it. The memories of some bat hitting his face could wait. Now that he thought about it, it could be typically L to feel guilty about that. He'd seen things like that before, and Light figured that L had seen enough people being violated because he was too late to save them or something…This had to drag up memories. And it was Light, the one he was so close with…Yes, this had to be hard.

They sat there for hours, it felt, though Light saw on the big silver clock that it were only ten minutes. He sighed. What would happen if he'd get his memories back…? What would it change…? He wasn't sure of anything now, he realized. His relationship with L, with himself, his Dad, this world…He had no idea how it was going to change. He himself didn't feel like he missed much important memories, to him it felt like he'd gone upstairs with L after the cake, he'd walked away to tease the other genius and got hit by a car or something. But more had happened, he was sure.

His head now really throbbed. He decided he'd better go asleep, maybe…? He was drowsy, and L's presence was relaxing. He snuggled a little closer to L, if possible, who tensed a little but relaxed again after a few seconds. Sigh…

Light was asleep when L bowed his head and prayed for the first time in years.

* * *

His son. His only son…What happened to him…?

Soichiro hung up the phone after he'd told Sachiko to stay home, actually begged her to stay home. He was afraid, almost as afraid as the time he'd lost both Light and Sayu when they were picnicking close to a lake. After it had gone dark, the police had found them in a forest nearby, Light wounded and his arms around Sayu, who cried. Light had fought with a fox, apparently. Soichiro had no idea why a fox would attack a little boy, but later it turned out Sayu had found fox babies and she picked them up to take care of them, when Mommy Fox appeared. Light had protected Sayu with all his power, he'd gone to the hospital and he'd came out packed in plaster. He still had a little scar in his right eyebrow, but it was too small to really see it. And he'd held Sayu all the time, even when they found him back, he wouldn't let her go until she was safe in Sachiko's arms. The fox had survived without serious injuries, the babies were alright and Light and Sayu were found back.

But during those few hours, Soichiro had thought his entire world collapsed.

And he'd felt the same again. He still felt it.

Almost everything he'd feared for had happened.

But he didn't know what would happen after this.

Back then, it had been okay as soon as they'd found both his precious children back, alive. Light had been wounded, but all he'd thought about were Sayu and the fox babies. He had no idea that fox would've killed him if she would've bitten or scratched the six-year-old boy in the wrong place. Light had been okay, and they were all happy that it had ended happy.

But now, it was different. More complicated, more mature, and way more frightening.

This time it wouldn't be Soichiro who felt the worst, it would be Light.

Soichiro started crying again, and two old women in nurse-costume passing him looked at him and mumbled something, and it sounded like gossiping. No…This wasn't the kind of hospital where they gossiped like it was a soap what happened around them, right…?

The door opened and L stepped out, closing the door carefully. He slouched at Soichiro, and everything about him screamed 'defeated'. He looked like he needed to cry badly, it was painted on his face, in his body language, everything Soichiro was sensitive for. It startled him. He'd seen L 'defeated' before, but he always kept his cool and wrestled through it, to continue what he'd been doing as if nothing happened. He'd never seen or heard him like this and that frightened him too. Why couldn't L be strong, smile that smile of his and tell Soichiro Light was going to be okay, that he'd take care of that personally…?

L turned his head to Soichiro slowly and Soichiro could make out a soft "Light-kun is sleeping peacefully," almost inaudible. It sounded like L was almost choking on something. "He kept on asking what happened, but I didn't tell him."

It was the same voice, the same monotone that Soichiro had became familiar to, but softer. Soichiro could barely hear what he was saying. He sighed and wiped his tears away.

"Ryuzaki…I asked you before, but…Do you love my son?"

He waited five seconds. Ten. Twenty. Then, slowly, L nodded and let his head fall, so that the long black locks covered his face from the side, and Soichiro couldn't see his expression. He suddenly felt bad for L. How guilty did he have to feel…? He regretted everything, he was torn up inside too…

Soichiro wrapped his arms around L and held him tightly, and felt L bury his face in the shoulder of his suit, though he kept his hands in his pockets. It felt comforting, L was the exact same height as his son and his shoulders were about as broad. Soichiro held him, even when the two nurses came back and started giggling irrationally. He held him when the doctor came along, smiled 'fatherly', and patted L on his back, making the young man startle perceptible. He still held him when he realized he was holding The World's Greatest Detective he'd only spoke to through a synthetic voice for many years, and the one who'd caused his son to run away. The one who'd walked downstairs five minutes after Light, to ask if they knew where Light was, restlessness in his eyes. The one who'd announced they were on a search for him as soon as they said Light had walked away, crying. It all seemed so far away…

He let him go when L stepped back and took his cell phone to call someone he called 'Robby-person'.

When he hung up and looked at Soichiro for a brief second, Soichiro thought he saw Light behind those eyes.


	8. Cut

_**8. **__**Cut**_

Some things were heart-breaking.

Light was one of those things.

The first time L felt real heartache because of Light, was when he thought Light was trying to kill him, despite the friendship they'd built together. He thought Light was trying to make him feel guilty, to make L love him so much he couldn't think clear anymore. To get him to completely trust him and tell Light his name, or release him again, or both.

The second time was when he realized Light was probably telling the truth about his feelings, and may not be Kira. The memory of Light's expression, the pain… L had hurt him deeply, he was sure. He'd started wondering there how long it would take to comfort Light.

Then, he realized he'd let Light go, feeling uncomfortable on his own, and started searching. Light wasn't downstairs, he ran out, according to everyone…They'd found a possible lead to Kira, and decided to check it out, even if it would cost the night. L and Light had gone upstairs; Light had deserved a break after he'd done so much for the investigation. Normally he complained, but today he seemed occupied by something else. He was probably thinking about telling L he loved him…

The third time was when L saw Soichiro's face after an hour of searching for Light, the fourth time was when he thought Light had been raped by Robby. From the fifth time, when he heard the shark-like guy say he'd raped Light, it had been nothing but ache, actually.

And again today. L hadn't slept, of course, he and Soichiro had stayed in Light's room to watch him sleep, both occupied by their own thoughts. L had wondered how Light could sleep under their stares. That had to be an effective medicine…

L would almost leave to search for some good sleeping medicines himself.

But Light woke up at seven o'clock on the minute, after he'd slept for more than seventeen hours. The doctor said the long hours of sleeping were a reaction of his brain on all that happened, a way to rearrange everything. He didn't know it yet, but the memories were somewhere, and he'd get them back sooner or later.

Light hadn't yet, and now he was munching his hospital-breakfast like he'd never get any more again. L watched it with slight jealousy. Eating was so satisfying, but only the thought made his stomach twitch. He wanted to be hungry too…

"Do you want the muffin, Ryuzaki?"

L looked from the muffin to Light, and back to the muffin. He took it, because he knew it would make Light happy, and tried to work it down his throat. It tasted like pasteboard and it took him half an hour to get the fairly big muffin away. Cranberries. He normally loved those. Light watched it with curiosity, and he looked cute…

An hour later, he was crushed by his mother and sister, who'd heard about him and came to visit. Light smiled and wrapped his arms around them. The tears from the women cut L too.

"Light, I haven't left you alone to find you like this…"

L and Soichiro glanced at each other for a second.

"I'm not alone, Mum, I live with Ryuzaki now…"

Sachiko stood up and looked around, and her gaze fell on L.

"Are you Light's friend?"

A broad and genuine smile formed on her face, and Sayu looked at him too, with a curiosity the Yagami children seemed to share.

"Um…We aren't together… But Light was allowed to stay at mine. We're both working on the Kira-case with Yagami-san…"

Light looked disappointed about something. Sachiko didn't seem surprised that her son was working on the case. Soichiro had told her on the phone, just after Light had been imprisoned. L knew it, but he hadn't had the heart to stop him. It wouldn't matter anyway.

L had seen a minor change in her face when he said he and Light weren't together. Guess Sachiko liked him more than Misa…

"A friend of Light's, huh? Well, we hope you can take care of Light. Make sure he doesn't work on the case for as long as he isn't healed yet, okay?"

L nodded. He didn't deserve this, Light's mother being so nice to him. It cut.

Everything cut. It didn't matter who did what, everything cut in L's eyes and chest. He needed sleep, he needed food, he needed comfort and he needed to cry… And it didn't go unnoticed by Sachiko.

"Dear, are you alright? You look pale…"

Un.

Der.

State.

Ment.

She tilted her head to the side. Everyone was looking at L now. He felt like an intruder in the Yagami family, like someone who was destroying it. No, who already destroyed everything. They were so kind, every one of them looked a little worried and so compassionate… L didn't feel like he could handle it. It would hurt, but it would be better if they sent him out and told him to never show up again. That would make it all a little easier, the guilt a little less… L wouldn't have to hide the fact he caused all this.

Light laughed a little.

"Ryuzaki, stop thinking this was your fault. It wasn't, I'm sure. And if it is, I have already forgiven you because you suffered enough from guilt."

He outstretched his arms. "Come here."

For a moment, L didn't know what to do. Hugging Light, fine; but hugging him in front of his family…? Something stopped him. It felt like betrayal. Lying had been his nature ever since he'd been born, but hugging Light would be like telling all these people he didn't have anything to do with it, and that was too much, even for him. He shook his head lightly and focused on the floor, but Soichiro stood up and patted on his back.

"Don't be unreasonable, Ryuzaki. We don't blame you. All this is just an accident."

If only they knew…

L stood up and hugged Light, and he got pulled down by his ex-chain mate. Light crushed him, and it hurt. But it hurt good.

L felt exhausted, really, deeply exhausted, from the bottom of his soul.

* * *

Wow…Weird. Leg hurts. Those kiddo's didn't even know how to handle a gun…They could shoot with it, but little kids shouldn't play with guns. This is what you get from it…

Robby grunted when he tried to stand up, and leaned on his shot leg. Those nurses… They tried to keep him here, but Robby didn't plan to do so…He had to help his mates. He was in the hospital, he was forced to stay there for two nights…They'd operated on his leg, removed the bullet and told him not to stand on it. Robby didn't care…It was his leg. It would heal anyway, and his friends were going home too, he knew…

He stood up, walked to the middle of the small and sterile room and took crutches. That should do it… He walked to the door, stepped out and saw two nurses walking at him.

"You're not allowed to go out, mister… ?"

She pulled her eyebrows up. Robby grimaced when he leaned on his leg.

"You can't know my name…And I go out if I want to, ma'am."

He received two weird glances, and browsed over the long corridor. How should he go back…? Taxi, maybe…Jack and Gunner had a bullet in their arms, they couldn't drive…

He stopped when he saw a not too tall figure crouch down on a red couch in the main room of his floor, his face buried in his arms. He walked –stumbled- closer and recognized the wild and night-black hair, and the sloppy clothes. Hey…He hadn't seen him since he ran away to search Lighto, with Lighto's Dad…

"Ru."

The black hair moved and a face appeared from underneath the wild bangs. Robby was startled when he saw the expression on the young face in front of him. What was the right word to describe it…? Exhausted? Guilty? The combination, that was it… He was pale, even more than after he'd unarmed those gang kiddo's with his gun…

"Feeling dead?"

Ru seemed to have problems with keeping his eyes open. He nodded and turned his gaze to the floor, not as a sign for Robby to leave him alone, but because he couldn't but do so.

"Yeah…Know how you feel."

Ru still had the energy to give Robby a skeptic look. Robby didn't try to ignore it.

"Really…Know how you feel. Guilty."

Ru rolled his eyes. Of course, I look like it, idiot.

Robby shook his head. "Did the same."

Ru had looked away, but he focused on Robby again, with surprised interest under the enormous burden that seemed to make him hunch even more. Robby continued.

"Had a cute boyfriend too. Years ago. Boy committed suicide."

Ru lifted his head from his arms. Robby had his attention. The two nurses from a minute ago walked by, eyed Ru suspiciously, and looked at Robby.

"Hey, he's taken already, hands off!"

Robby waited until their giggling had ceased away, the glaze door fell shut and Ru turned to him again, his face now a mixture of guilt, interest and annoyance.

"Wanna know details…?"

The black bangs moved when Ru nodded.

"Fine…Had a love, years ago. Very cute. Resembled Lighto very much. Didn't trust him; rejected him. Boy sad, boy ran away, raped, everything. Saw him in the hospital later. Boy was angry. Didn't want me to make it up to him. Boy depressed… Committed suicide."

Ru looked at him, eyes big. Lips formed a 'sorry' he couldn't say, probably…

"There's something have to tell you… I asked Lighto to strip for me. Only his shirt. Just wanted to see my boy again, even if only once…"

Ru's lips parted in shock. Robby knew how that went, his brain stopped recording after 'Lighto to strip for me'… He felt guilty for the poor boy, but he couldn't lie to him.

"Did he do it…?"

Robby nodded. "Didn't rape him. I swear, ask him-"

"He lost his memories. Of course he'll not tell if that happened. I trusted you. Maybe you should've told this when we first spoke, on the phone?"

Very sharp. Ru's voice had deepened again, he sounded dangerous, like he'd done earlier that night…He had placed one foot on the floor, to lean closer to Robby. The fire was back. Robby was impressed…This was Ru how he met him first, but Robby understood his pain… It's hard to trust others. You trust someone and this happens… This was just another blow to the boy's trust in others.

"'f I would've told you then, you would've never listened to a word I said, Ru. But, you're right. Know how you feel, sorry. I should've told you before."

Ru sat back, his body language still 'alert'.

"Is there something more I should know, apart from details about this? I'll hear from Light-kun himself anyway."

Back with Light-'kun'. Wasn't necessary to Robby…

"Dunno…Details aren't interesting, I think…"

"You at least touched him afterwards. How did he react?"

Robby sighed. Ru was very resolute. "He…enjoyed it."

He expected more angry looks, but Ru just fell silent, and back on the couch. He laid his head back, against the wall, and closed his eyes. Robby wondered what he was thinking about. If Robby spoke the truth, if he should feel relieved that Light hadn't been pushed by Robby, or if he should feel betrayed. Everything, probably…

"Sorry."

Ru let one corner of his mouth twitch for a second. Poor, poor boy. Robby felt like he had to justify the things he did. Maybe it made Ru feel better…

"Know L?"

The boy was visibly startled and looked up so fast that Robby thought he'd fall into him. His eyes were focused or Robby again, wide as always. He sat straight...Didn't look bad on him.

"Yes, I know L."

Robby wondered why the boy was so interested in L.

"Wanna know what he did?"

The boy frowned and tilted his head to the side, almost unnoticeable.

"Saw the neighborhood Lighto got lost, years ago, after something with a drug ring… Decided he wanted to do something about it. Couldn't fully concentrate on it, apparently, or didn't want to destroy things…"

"…When you try to get all the crime away from a neighborhood like that, it'll come back, worse, there or somewhere else. It's a great place to detect criminals and drug rings, and many prostitutes work there not having a problem with their job."

Robby tilted his head to the side. Ru's face was blank, almost a piece of art.

"…I study criminology."

Robby nodded. "What'd you do with a neighborhood like that…?"

Ru looked better when talking like that…Giving him back a little control, probably.

"As L, I would place skilled men around there I could lead if necessary. If I don't have to, they could try to lessen the violence. Undercover, as if they were some of the abusive men around there. It's a big neighborhood, it would be impossible to know everyone, they shouldn't be noticed. They should be used to circumstances like that, and be able to stand the violence and everything else around them. I would allow them to use guns if necessary."

Robby felt impressed. Criminology? Ru sounded as if it had been him leading everything. It was like Ru read Robby's thoughts.

"I…am very far with my study criminology."

Robby smiled. "That's what L did. I am one of the men he placed there. Guy gave me a reason to live… Trying to protect boys like Lighto. I saw him and he reminded me at my boy…Had to see him one last time…And L…Don't think he knows me, it's impossible to know three hundred men by face if it's not necessary…"

Ru somehow looked insulted. Or did Robby imagine that…?

"I think L has a mind capable enough to do that."

Robby smiled. "Whadda you have with L…? He your hero?"

Ru tilted his head to the side. "Not exactly."

"Y'know so much 'bout him... Why?"

Ru seemed knocked off balance. Was hiding something important…

"You seen L? Had problems with him?"

Ru pulled a face agreeing with the last thing. Ru had problems with L…? Why…?

"He trying to catch you?"

Ru tilted his head to the side. "Not exactly."

"What was it, then…?"

Ru sighed and rolled his eyes. "I wrote a paper about him and I received a C-, which is far below my average. That's it."

Robby blinked. "Oh. Thought you knew him."

There was something cynic about Ru's behavior, but Robby couldn't place it.

The door slammed open, and Robby heard two persons shouting his name.

"Robbyyyy! There you are!"

Robby stood up. Jack and Gunner, both with their arm packed tightly against their body. Seemed to be doing well…

"Have you seen those nurses? Homophobes! They did nothing but giggle! Bitches…"

Robby smiled when he saw Gunner with his purple leather pants waving with his good arm when he saw Ru. "Hey, boy! We figured something out! You are L!"

Jack and Gunner did a high-five and laughed, but Ru visibly stiffened, speechless.

…Oh.

He quickly tried to act normal.

"I can assure you I am not."

Gunner winked at him. "No need to hide it, cutie. You sent us to that Shark-drug case and L's the only one to know about it. There's no way someone less than L would remember our faces and name, AND our clean criminal records, right?"

Another high-five. "We're geniuses!"

Ru was silent for a few seconds, stunned. "It is possible."

Jack sat down next to the boy and patted on his back. "Yeah, right, everyone working for L starts his phrases with 'I can assure you', 'to be exact' or 'I am certain that'. Sorry, boy, synthetic voices don't change that."

Ru stood up and tucked his hands into his pockets, semi-casual, but his gaze betrayed him so bad it was funny. "There is a chance of 67% that someone working close to L would do that."

Jack suddenly burst out laughing, slapping his own thigh.

"You even talk in percentages! Oh my, you are amazing!"

Ru checked if there was no one around to hear them.

"I am certain that someone working close to L would take that over too."

Gunner tilted his head to the side, taking a cigarette with his free hand and lighting it, ignoring his wounded arm.

"'I am certain that'…? We are certain that you are L! Come on, admit it, you're a smart kid. Or don't you dare to?"

Ru stood still, glaring both Jack and Gunner's scalp bold. Robby smiled. They were probably right, it would explain so much if Ru was L…

"If someone else gets to know I am L, you'll be locked up in prison for the rest of your life."

Jack stopped laughing. "Why would we want you dead? We all know you're paranoid, L, but you put us there yourself! We work for you, you pay our houses! And you're way too cute."

Ru- Hey, **Ru**e, **R**y**u**, L-E**ru**, _Ru_ was perfect! Robby smiled. Ru checked the hall again.

"Maybe we'd better change topics. This isn't a safe place to talk."

He turned around and took his cell phone to mumble something about 'erasing the tapes on the second floor of the hospital, thank you, Watari,' and turned back.

"Now that you know me, will I have to ask you three to keep it secret for everybody, and to never talk about it. To no one. No friends, family or others. If I die, you'll die too, get it?"

Robby wondered how many times Ru had told that to people. If he'd die, how many people would die too…?

Jack and Gunner laid their free hand on their chests simultaneously.

"You have our word, L. If something happens to you, we're jobless, homeless, lifeless and heartless. We promise not to kill a cutie like this."

Ru seemed convinced, and looked at Robby, as if to tell him it wasn't necessary to do the same. Still, Robby laid his hand on his heart.

"Ru, I understand you, and I respect you. Your secret is safe here."

He was convinced. He managed to smile a little uneasy to the three taller men.

Ru was L. That made everything weird fall into place. Why he was so confident about his own skills, why he could give all those policemen orders with them following naturally, why he rejected Lighto (how did Lighto get to know him, anyway…? Because he was the son of one of those policemen…?), and it also explained the bags under his eyes. Robby had always wondered how it was possible L could solve so many cases, and be there all the time… It had to be a heavy burden he had to carry for life. It explained why he seemed so suspicious, almost paranoid- no, scratch that, plain paranoid.

Being paranoid didn't mean you were wrong about those wanting you dead.

Paranoid enough to reject someone you loved with more than your whole heart.

"Hey, we gotta go, those nurses said we had to stay here, but eh…we disagree. You come, Robby?"

Robby shook his head. "No. I'm gonna stay with Ru for lil' longer. You can go."

Jack and Gunner blinked, but walked away, greeting Ru with a "Goodbye, cutie!", and let the door fall close behind them. Ru watched them go, sat down with his knees tucked up, not reacting any furtherer. Robby rubbed his back.

"Know how you feel, Ru. Know how you feel."

Ru looked up again, and stared at Robby with an expression Robby couldn't identify. Maybe it was that giant burden crushing him from the inside, maybe it was compassion, maybe it was just a lot of emotion needing to come out…

Robby felt his guts when he thought about _that_ time, the time he hadn't been able to cry for so long. The worst time of his life…Ever…Ru was going through it right now.

Yes…He'd accused his boy of being a murderer too; years ago…And Ru was L, of-

A murderer? The one L was trying to catch…

"Ru."

Ru blinked. He'd directed his eyes to the floor, but they were focused on Robby again.

"What is it?"

Robby sat up a little straighter, still rubbing Ru's back. Bones, in some places.

"Did you accuse Lighto of being Kira?"

Ru blinked, and again. "What?"

"Did you accuse Lighto of being Kira?"

Ru's face changed from stunned, to suspicious, to blank, and then turned regretful. It was such a funny boy.

"Yes...Light-kun used to be the main suspect in the Kira-case… When he told he loved me, that was all I could think about…"

He sounded so fragile. Robby laid a hand on his bony shoulder.

"Though he probably lost his memories about being Kira; it's complicated. I can't tell you the details of course, but if he happens to be Kira or regains his memories about that, Kira will be no more. There's no way his pride could deal with rape."

Ru swallowed.

"But…I hurt Light-kun."

The last words sounded like Ru had to force them out of his throat. Almost a hoarse whisper.

"I think I know more about those memories, Ru."

The boy blinked. "What is it…?"

Robby looked around in the hall. There were no rooms next to this one were possible eavesdroppers could be standing. And if Ru listened, his intuition probably told him it was okay. And Robby trusted L's intuition. Though he'd been terribly wrong about Light-kun, clearly…

"Yur gonna find me crazy. Wanna know the entire story around my lil' boy?"

Ru nodded.

"Kay. My boy found a notebook. A deadly one at that. Write a name in it and person dies. I was against it. Boy buried the book in a garden and gave up memories, and declared love for me. I rejected him cuz he killed others with it. He ran away. Bad things happened, but I still didn't trust my boy…Didn't know he'd given up his memories…Shouted to him about the book and where he'd buried it, boy dug it up…"

Robby felt tears appear in the corners of his eyes, watched by Ru's.

"My boy, he'll never see the moon shine again…Lighto looked so much like him…"

Ru looked shocked. Not shocked-shocked, but compassionate-shocked.

"I feel very sorry for you."

Robby wiped his tears away and took a hanky out of his coat, to blow his nose with the sound of a trombone. Ru pulled one eyebrow up, and Robby laughed a little.

"There's a way you could make it better."

Black locks moved when Ru tilted his smart head to the side.

"How?"

Robby smiled genuinely. "Make it up with Lighto, forgive your boy and be happy together. You gave me my life back when you started to better my neighborhood, L. I got over it, I'm sure my boy is somewhere safe, my lil' angel. Shinigami said there was 'nothingness' after death, who says there's nothing behind that…?"

Ru's eyes widened. "Shinigami?"

Robby nodded. "Shinigami."

Ru turned to Robby and leaned a tiny little closer, his eyes wide. "Do shinigami only eat apples…?"

Do they do that…? This one did…

"The one hanging around my boy did…Apples…If he didn't, he got pulled in weird poses, I saw…Why?"

Ru hugged his knees some tighter. "A notebook. Write a name down, and that person dies…That's why I never got killed…? Robby-san, is it-"

"Ru, we both know you're not Japanese. Drop the '-san', kay?"

Ru looked surprised for a second, and turned concentrated. "That is fine with me…But could it be there are more notebooks in our world?"

Robby thought about it for a minute. "Why not…? Believe there are more shinigami's in the world..."

A certain brilliance appeared in the dark eyes, something shining Robby liked. Ru seemed to forget the current state he was in.

"This could be the way Kira kills…Kira needed a name and a face to kill someone. In order to protect those who share the same name as the victim, you'd have to think about the name of the victim… Kira kills alone, without even being there when the victim dies. I'm not surprised by anything, anymore…"

Ru fell silent.

"You could say this information is what I got back from what happened to Light-kun, isn't it…? A trade with fate…"

He blushed. He probably realized that sounded very corny. It looked very cute on him, the pink shade on those boyish cheeks…

He looked sad again.

"Light-kun…How am I ever going to make him forgive me..?"

Robby squeezed Ru's shoulder softly. "Show him you forgave him, that you don't think of him as Kira anymore…That should do it. Boy was so sad…Sure he wants to forgive you."

Ru gulped. "He doesn't have his memories back, yet. I don't know how he'll react."

He blushed heavily, probably not used to talking like this, and his throat sounded tight again. Poor thing should cry…Robby rubbed his back once more and stood up.

"Think I'd better go back to Jack and Gunner…Neighborhood needs us. Think I'll see you again, Ru. Up to then: Good luck."

Robby browsed to the milk glaze door and looked around once more. Ru still looked at him.

"Thank you."

Robby smiled.

"What for?"

Ru didn't move or blink.

"Everything."

Robby smiled a little at the boy. "I should thank you."

He walked out, leaving Ru behind. It was gonna be hard, but Ru would probably do better than Robby…He was stronger. Robby smiled when he walked out of the hospital.

"Robby!"

Jack and Gunner had been waiting for him outside of the building. There was a taxi, too.

He was going back. Saving more boys like Lighto.


	9. Confusion

_**9.**__** Confusion**_

It was light in the room.

The traffic outside sounded through the closed window.

The room was cold, impersonal, the floor existed out of turquoise tiles, and the rest was just sterile white. It smelled like hospital.

Light turned around, awake, feeling the clean, white blankets crisp underneath him as he rolled on. He tried to sleep, but it wasn't working, he didn't lie comfortable. The doctor had told him his legs would still feel lifeless, but that he could try to roll on and search for a sleeping position he liked. He usually slept on either his back or his side, but he always_ fell asleep_ lying on his side. L had said so…

He smiled at the thought of L. He had told Light he tended to roll over often, but that he always looked so peaceful when he slept. L was jealous, Light hadn't missed that…L was a bad sleeper. He hadn't slept enough since he was thirteen, he'd told, and he drank too much coffee, ate too much sugar and Light could imagine he wasn't a good sleeper by nature.

When he slept, though, he looked so cute the whole task force couldn't keep his eyes off him (he once fell asleep in his chair when they were around). Light giggled inwardly when he thought about it. He always knew he shouldn't giggle or find anything cute, being a guy and all, but L was just so…_cute_. He slept with his knees pulled up and his thumb on his lips, hugging his knees with his free arm. Very much like a child.

Light imagined he lay next to L, that his face wasn't hot and throbbing softly, that he could move his legs, that he could creep closer to L and tell the lie that he missed his parents, with the result that L would wrap his arms around him and hold him…L smelled so good, his hair, his skin…Sweet, but masculine. Light had pondered over it for very long, but in the end decided that that was the most complete description. It would never be complete, L's natural perfume was too special, but this was the closest.

Hmm…Light finally fell asleep, the last thing he thought about was L's scent, his warmth, his wild hair tickling Light's neck, his lean arms holding Light close. Light sighed softly, and passed out, believing he was there.

L.

L?

L!

He was there, he looked at Light. Pitiful. He looked pitiful…He was close, he carried Light away from somewhere, Light cried in his lap…Why…?

L held him close, he touched Light's cheek, he comforted Light, for whatever reason, he apologized…Why was he doing that? Light still didn't know…He tried to touch L, he was so close, but all he felt was darkness and dust. A dream, maybe this wasn't real…Light thought he was rolling on, but…why? Was he sweating? It was too hot, he felt a bit suffocated…Like the air existed out of cotton wool…He wanted to wake up, this had to be a dream, right? He breathed faster, how to wake up, he was afraid, he wanted to wake up, really…He tried to open his eyes, but he only saw black, he thought he saw L's eyes, but it was a different black…A different black than the sucking depths of L's eyes, this was suffocating and flat, there wasn't any depth at all…

Light gasped for breath and his eyes shot open, the blankets covering his head. He fought to get them away, to push them away as far as possible. It was too hot, this hospital-clothing wasn't his…He wriggled the buttons open as fast as possible and threw the mint-green cotton away. The white pants followed, though slower and a little clumsy. He gasped for air some more. What kind of dream had that been…? L first comforted him and later on he disappeared, and everything had been…angsty.

The first thing popping up in his mind was that they were memories he had lost. How long had he been away, had he started a relationship with L in the mean time? What day was it…?

He tried to remember what day it had been when he'd walked upstairs to eat cake with L. October, October the third…What was it today? Had he been in coma for much longer? Two weeks later, two months? What were they hiding from him…?

Light turned the light on and pulled a newspaper out of his nightstand his father had read and left, and a nurse had put away. October the fifth…Right now, two o'clock at night, it had to be October the sixth.

He didn't know if they put it there to make him believe he'd only slept for one night. His last memories were from the third, that evening when he ate cake with L…The morning after, the fourth, he'd woken up in the hospital. Or at least, that was what they told him…

How long had he really lain there? Had the wounds been so heavy he'd die if he felt the pain they caused? Had the…happening caused him to end up in coma? How old was he? Help?

No, wait. He had light scratches all over his body from when IT happened, they were healing, but they were there. Something had happened for about two days ago, and Light was positive it weren't the always-giggling nurses having some jolly fun with a blunt scalpel.

He stared at his own body. The fronts of his thighs were covered in bandage, the exact same places…How had it happened…? He had to know…He didn't know where the memories from minutes ago had been from, but he had thought them before. They made him feel nauseous. His heart beat hard in his chest, and it made him short of breath. Those memories…Weren't real…

His right foot was packed in what looked like plaster, but when he looked better, it was just bandage. His other foot's downside was covered in bandage too. What had he done, walked around outside without shoes…? What an idiot, _what, _oh, WHAT had he done?

He looked around in the room, he had a private room and it was night. The clock said 2:30 AM now. The night had just begun; it was going to take hours for someone to show up…It was cold now, the angst sweat covering his skin in a thin layer of shiny salt. Light wanted to shower, but he couldn't move around without help, and even if he could, they'd send him back. 'He shouldn't wake up others on this floor'…

He took the cotton vest and tried to remove as much sweat as possible. His face, shoulders, armpits, back, belly, legs, arms…He shivered. He was cooling down, and there was something that resembled angst forming in his chest. He knew _nothing_. That was totally new for him, and he didn't know how to deal with it. Waiting, until the things he should know would show up in front of his eyes, nothing really to do about it. He hated this…He gripped onto his own chest and tried to think of something to give him some hold on everything…A simple thought…

He tried to order everything he knew again. In one night, something had happened that damaged him so much that he ended up with these wounds, without his memories. L had done (or not done?) something that made him feel so guilty, Light wasn't the only one who sensed it, and he didn't seem to try hiding it. No one wanted to tell him what happened, because he had to regain his memories himself, it being a natural process…

He sighed. His head was clear again and didn't throb anymore, but he still couldn't bring his memories back or reason what happened. He didn't know why he'd thought the things he'd just seen, nor did he know if he actually thought them, if they weren't just something his brain made up to entertain itself…Light cursed his own brain. It was playing tricks on him he didn't like.

He shivered again. He felt cold, on the in-and-outside. His skin, his bones, his heart. He felt left alone. By his own mind, by everyone around him, by L…He was there, but he didn't want to tell Light what happened, and that felt like betrayal, though Light knew he could be right, if his memories were that bad…How did they know it, anyway…?

He wondered if he'd be able to sleep again after this. He'd stay awake for the rest of the night, probably, and feel restless because of the lack of exercise…It was something Light always experienced when he sat too long without taking a break. His legs started to itch almost literarily, making him want to stretch and use them…It crept through his legs, through his behind, his back, his shoulders…It felt very restless. Not using his legs for two full days was like horror to him. He wanted to walk…He tried to lift up a leg, but it was very weak. Light could twitch it lightly.

He decided he had to find a way to get the itch away, and lifted his leg up with his hands, starting to move it in whatever direction. It felt very weird, seeing a leg move that had to be his, while he didn't feel his own fingers pressing into the supple skin. The muscles were stiff and Light started tickling his own toes, to see if it could wake his legs up. Of course, it couldn't and Light was left with two limp legs, once again. He sighed, lifted his other leg from the mattress and supported his calf while trying to lean forward and touch his toes, his leg stretched. His joints and muscles were way too stiff, Light's leg too long and his arms too short (someone had made a remark about that, once: Light was perfectly proportioned; only his legs were too long to be natural. It somehow was true).

He sighed and laid back, putting his pillow away, and trying sit-ups. It had never been this effective, he couldn't pull his legs up at all…After five-hundred tiring sit-ups on the too hard mattress, he felt better. Still not good and definitely not sleepy, but better nonetheless. He sighed and pulled his legs up with his hands, like how he always fell asleep, according to L. He took the blankets and pulled them over himself, but he threw the hospital clothes on the chair next to the bed. They unnerved him.

He turned the light off, and the room went darker. He saw the light from the streets wet the ceiling in an orange glow. He didn't like it. His room with L was very dark, and so were the blankets they slept under, and…actually all the textile in their room was either black or blood red, apart from some clothing. Apparently L had requested it, and Light didn't dislike it. He always slept so good there, even with L's presence; because of his presence, maybe. Light never really knew. It was confusing, but calming at the same time, his love for L. He sighed.

He didn't want to see the clock hanging on the wall; he didn't want to know what time it was. The room was too light; there was no way he was going to sleep here now. He wished he lay next to L again. As familiar as his very own room at home (yes, he still called it 'home', though he hadn't been there for a while now), and L may be confusing, but he was comforting at the same time. This situation wasn't comfortable or calming at all.

He noticed himself crying again. It made him feel vulnerable, it always did, but there was no one to comfort him now, he didn't feel home here and he felt even more vulnerable due to all what apparently happened. Comfort…He wanted to be comforted…

Wait.

Why did he feel like he had a déjà-vu or something? He had done this before, he'd longed for comfort before the last few days. He didn't imagine it, he had déjà-vu's more often and he was never wrong. He tried to remember the feeling. Yes…He wanted to be comforted, he wanted warm arms around him…Did it have something to do with his dream, maybe?

He wanted to know. He wanted to be comforted, he wanted to go back to L, he wanted to sleep in his 'own' room…And he wanted to know what happened. He felt so anxious right now, and so confused and vulnerable…It was becoming a little much. Where was L when you needed him…?

Light listened to the ticking clock, and tried to ban all the thoughts out of his head. It didn't work, and he kept staring at the window for a few hours. It was 5:30 when he finally fell asleep, haunted by dreams about L's face.

* * *

"Are you okay, Ryuzaki?"

L turned his head to the one who'd addressed him. Soichiro Yagami. He looked bad, even worse than yesterday, and way worse than all the time he'd been busy with the Kira-case, even worse than when he'd been imprisoned. It wasn't fully righteous to say everything had been L's doing, he never intended it, but…part of him knew that without him, Soichiro wouldn't have had to feel like this. Why, _why_ was he asking _L _how he felt? He didn't deserve that…

"I would like to ask you the same, mister Yagami."

Soichiro stopped next to L and stared at the same coffee maker L had been staring at for the last two minutes. The link wasn't too far-fetched. Light didn't like mornings and always enjoyed his first cup of coffee, every day again. Kira-case or not, Light always smiled a little after he drank the first coffee of the day. It was such a small detail, yet so…important.

"No…I'm not going to put any of that weight on your shoulders, Ryuzaki. I can't do anything about your feelings about all this, but I don't want to make it worse."

L's stomach formed a hard ball when he heard those words. It was such a good person, why…? He suddenly felt like coffee would make him throw up.

The kitchen of the headquarters was empty and cold. There was no one else in the headquarters but L, Soichiro and Watari, there hadn't been enough room in the hospital for them to stay. L had sent Soichiro home, to Light's mother and sister, but he'd wanted to stay with him. It didn't matter what L said or did, Soichiro drove him and Watari to the headquarters. He'd treated him like a son, he'd made dinner for the three of them (it had been delicious; he'd made something resembling carrot cake. He and Watari had put spices on it, and L honey. He'd actually _eaten_ something), told L sternly to go to bed, and came to his room to check if the lights were off, pulling the blankets a little tighter around L. It had made L feel like he missed something in his life. He could live very well without parents, but…having no parents wasn't exactly something you'd wish for someone. Except when they were bad parents, but that hadn't been L's case either.

He felt merely bad for what happened to Light and Soichiro, actually.

"Have you slept well?"

It felt weird; someone acting like a parent. Sure, Watari was L's guardian, his butler, his right hand, his...Well, a lot, but not exactly a parent. A parent would've told him to walk straight, to eat normal and to put some more effort in his social life. Soichiro didn't do that, but…L wouldn't be surprised if he'd start doing that somewhere in the next few days. He acted so fatherly. L felt clearly what he'd missed for eighty percent of his life.

"…Not exactly…"

Soichiro sighed. "I haven't either. What will happen to my son when he remembers…?"

Where had L heard that question before? Sure not his own head, ha-ha-_ha_.

The sarcasm.

He somehow felt like Soichiro had to feel the same.

"Yagami-san…?"

L wondered how many times a day he switched between 'Yagami-san' and 'mister Yagami'. The whole 'san' and 'kun'-thing was still unnatural, like Robby had remarked.

"What is it, Ryuzaki?"

L traced the shape of the expensive coffee maker with his fingers. The coffee was ready; it had been ready for quite a few minutes now. They didn't feel like minutes, though. He poured it into two cups and started searching for the sugar cubes. He realized he was only wearing kind of tight boxers (Light's favorites, it somehow calmed L to touch the fabric, though he knew how perverted that sounded) and a white shirt with short sleeves. He felt naked…

"I realized something…I am sorry if I put things too bluntly, but if Light-kun…" L stopped for a second. He didn't have the heart to use the words 'Light-kun' and 'raped' in one phrase if Soichiro was around. "…If those things actually happened to him, there's no way he'll ever be Kira again."

Soichiro blinked. "What?"

L started searching for tea spoons.

"Kira judges criminals such as rapists. He sees himself as a God, and Gods are untouchable. Something like what happened to Light-kun will be such a big blow to Kira's ego that he'll stop believing in his own power. I firmly believe Light-kun was Kira, but he isn't anymore, and he'll never be again. Will he ever regain his memories of being Kira, he'll destroy Kira's powers or pass it to someone else, but he's not likely to kill any more people. So…Light-kun has been cleared of all suspicion of being Kira. I'm sorry."

It was quiet. Soichiro was frozen. L looked at his coffee and started stirring it. There were white squares in it L vaguely recognized as sugar cubes.

Soichiro blinked. "Why are you apologizing?"

L continued stirring his coffee.

"Because all this happened because I accused Light-kun of being Kira at a vulnerable moment, and let him actually run away. This all isn't worth clearing all suspicion off him."

Soichiro was quiet for another few seconds. L started sipping on his coffee cup. Sweet. Maybe he wasn't going to throw up anyway.

"Ryuzaki?"

L looked up. Soichiro had small tears in the corners of his eyes.

"I'm very sad about everything that happened, but…this makes me feel a little better. I hope that…that makes you feel a little better too."

L stared at him for a few seconds, not knowing what to think, or to feel. He wasn't lying, that was clear…Of course, after all those months of stress, he finally gets to hear the words he'd been longing for…Of course that made him feel better. But…did he actually realize why Light's suspicions had been cleared…?

"Mister Yagami-san…You realize it's me who caused everything what happened to Light-kun?"

Soichiro smiled a little.

"'Mister Yagami-san'…?"

L realized how stupid that sounded and felt his lips twitch a little. A smile.

It felt good, in some way.

"But…yes, I realize that. I regret everything that happened, and I can't deny that without this Kira-case you started my son would've been fine now, but you were righteous that you didn't want to start a relationship with a Kira-suspect, and I respect that. Indeed, according to your story, you could've been…nicer to my son, but you were acting out of integrity, and that's why I still respect you."

L was stunned at first. He'd almost get used to that feeling…When the words fully penetrated his mind, he sighed and closed his eyes for a second. Finally. He'd heard the words he'd craved for to hear. He hadn't realized that he'd wanted to hear them, but…he felt relieved to finally hear them.

No, not the words of respect. They made him feel guilty, but finally, _finally_, someone could tell him it was him who made a mistake. One of the reasons for him to feel so extremely guilty was that he was the only one to accuse himself of being evil. He couldn't allow himself to think the same as others who hadn't heard him reject Light, and think he was exaggerating. Hearing someone else say he could've been nicer took a little of the necessity away to keep on reminding himself how mean he'd been. This felt a little relieving…

"Thank you, mister Yagami."

No honorifics. They suck hard.

Soichiro smiled a little.

"The doctor said Light might be able to go back home once his legs are healed enough to walk. I think he'll want to start working on the Kira-case again…"

He coughed.

"And I think…that…if he regains his memories, he'll have to heal mentally, and I think he'll need you for that…"

L had already felt that coming…

"Don't worry, mister Yagami. I promised Light I'd help him."

Again, no honorifics. They still suck hard.

Soichiro sighed and took a sip of his coffee, and pulled a face.

"Is there coffee milk around…?"

"Sure."

L walked to the refrigerator and handed the coffee milk to Soichiro. Life went on…

"When will we visit Light again?"

He heard how the 'I want to see him' got expressed in the way he asked it. Soichiro smiled softly, through the little tears in the corners of his eyes. He really looked sad and restless…L sighed unnoticeable. No, no need to start feeling guilty again, Soichiro would notice and start worry even more…

"As soon as you want…I think Light will be very happy if he'll be able to leave the hospital with you."

There was an unnoticeable emphasize on the last two words. L didn't miss it.

"I will make sure Light gets whatever he needs outside of the hospital."

Another smile. It was clear where Light had his ability to smile through hard moments from.

"We can go to the hospital now…after you pulled on proper pants, Ryuzaki. I won't let you leave the building like this."

L felt more naked than all the moments with Light in the shower together.

He couldn't repress a smile, nonetheless.


	10. Worry

_**10. **__**Worry**_

"Ryuzaki! Dad!"

Light's face lit up almost dramatically when the door of his room opened. He smiled brightly and invited his father and love to hug him. Soichiro rubbed his back for more than a few seconds, and Light hugged back. A while later it was L's turn, and he noticed Light's hair smelled like sweat more than they should.

"Do they give you the opportunity to shower, Light-kun…?"

Light shifted a little.

"Do I smell like sweat?"

L never said he didn't like it…

"A little."

Light sighed, but didn't L go. Instead, he hugged him a little tighter. It was so nice, and still it made L feel guilty. He was so sick of that word, and the feeling. He hated it.

Finally, Light released L. L noticed that he looked worse than yesterday. His complexion was pale and his gaze was tired. Soichiro noticed it too.

"Have you slept well?"

The same thing Soichiro had asked L that morning. Same intonation, same amount of worry and compassion. It hurt a little that he treated L as a son. Not because L was afraid he, Soichiro and Light would get jealousy problems with it, L wasn't his son, after all, but simply because he was an orphan. He wasn't used to this.

On the other side, he was happy for Light that he had a father, a father like this. He deserved it.

"No, I haven't…I can't sleep in this room. It's too small and impersonal, and I don't like the street lights and the sound of the traffic. I want to go back to the Headquarters…"

L and Soichiro glanced at each other, and Soichiro straightened his back.

"We have been talking about that this morning…If the doctor says your legs are healed and you can go back, we'll take you to the headquarters. We will take care of you. But, we'll first have to ask the doctor."

Light's face lit up again. "Will I be able to sleep in our old room?"

L smiled a little. "No, we'll put you somewhere else. The kitchen table seemed suitable to me, we took that in consideration."

Light smirked in response. "Being sarcastic, Ryuzaki?"

"No."

Light still smirked at him, and L couldn't but smirk back. This was Light how he wanted to see him. Soichiro smiled a little, too. "I'm gonna search for the doctor…"

He wanted to walk away, when Light threw the blankets away, immediately attracting L's eyes to the plaster on his slim legs.

"I want to come too. I'm sick of this hospital bed."

L and Soichiro both stepped closer to Light when he tried to get up. His legs didn't move properly and he looked clumsy, and L tried to push him back, but Light stubbornly pushed him away.

"I want to walk, I just want to go somewhere else…Help me to the shower, then, okay?"

L sighed. "You haven't changed in the slightest, Light-kun."

He hooked one arm under Light's, and helped him out of the bed. Soichiro supported his other side, and they walked out of the room. Light took his surroundings in like a little child, and had to lean on L and his father with all his weight. Which wasn't much, Light was a lightweight by nature (bad pun, but true) and L swore he'd lost weight in the past few days. They strolled down the corridor, and a girl greeted Light enthusiastically, like every girl would do. Light smiled back politely, but L caught the slight annoyance behind it.

"She's stalking you…?"

Light gave L another (genuine) smile. "Yes…She pays me two visits every day, and keeps on asking what happened…She doesn't believe that I lost my memories, she thinks I did something heroic, but am too shy to tell it."

Soichiro smirked, and L grinned softly. "I could've known that."

The doctor appeared, and blinked. "Hey, are you walking?"

Light smiled. "No, they're supporting me. My legs still don't work well…When can we stop with the anesthesia?"

The man smiled, and L felt that light feeling of disgust when he looked at the man. He didn't like him.

"We'll take a look at it now, and we'll show your father and friend," he winked at L, much to L's annoyance, "how to take care of the wounds. Come with me."

He walked away, way too fast for the three men following him. He 'led' them into a room that seemed to be made out of plastic and metal, nothing more, and pointed at a metal table in the middle of the room. L frowned.

"Mister Doctor-san, you realize that's a…"

The man shrugged. "A corpse investigation table is the best way to investigate wounds. We always put paper on it first, to make sure the patient doesn't cool down too much. Plus, the other investigation rooms are occupied at the moment."

Soichiro frowned and Light didn't seem happy with the idea either, but accepted the help L and Soichiro reluctantly offered him. He lay down and looked around nervously, and L touched his shoulder softly. Light blushed and smiled a little. L once again saw how beautiful he was, even after…everything. He smiled at Light weakly and looked away, but kept his hand on Light's shoulder, stroking him through the cotton covering his skin. Light touched L's wrist with his fingertips. Such a light touch, but so meaningful.

"We'll take a look at the legs first; I'll show you how to nurse the wounds. After that we'll look at the feet, decide if we can stop the anesthesia and see how the face's doing too."

The way the doctor almost talked about Light as a corpse made L shudder in horror and annoyance. The doctor didn't pay attention to the men in front of him and asked the blushing nurse behind him (when did she come in…?) to take scissors, and showed L and Soichiro how to remove the bandage. He asked them to come closer and L had to release his hold on Light's shoulder.

His stomach twitched sickeningly when he saw the cuts in Light's legs. Perfectly straight cuts with a knife that must've been sharper and more dangerous than most meat knifes, with rough stitches crossing over the wounds, keeping Light's legs from practically falling open. L clearly remembered how they'd bled when they found him in that damned alley. He unconsciously took Light's hand and squeezed it.

"Then, you take sterile swabs and wet them with disinfection liquid, and make sure you wet every single stitch, because we don't want this wound to infect, do we. Here, like this…press a little to see if it hurts and if it's healing, you can tell by looking at the way the skin stretches around the stitches. This is going to leave scars, definitely, but we'll try to keep those scars as nice as possible."

L tried not to snort. Scars weren't 'nice', and two lines on the front of your thighs made people wonder how they got there. He wondered if Light would have to change his short and leg-revealing swimming wear for over-sized things that only got in his way, in Light's opinion. Or would he just deal with the way people looked…? It hurt that this would mar Light's beauty. The first thing others would pay attention to would be the scars.

L had to replace the bandage to show the doctor he could do it (how OLD was he?) and his heart beat a little faster when the supple skin of Light's thighs unintentionally warmed his fingers (and heated his cheeks, but luckily he had his black bangs to hide it). He'd never touched them before like this, and it felt like a waste that he couldn't just touch and feel without the doctor, the now two nurses and Soichiro around. Not that the nurses paid attention to him, they seemed only there to admire the doctor, and steal a glance at Light every now and then.

"What if I want to shower? Should we remove the bandage first…?"

The doctor smiled. "You'll be allowed to shower again after we could remove the stitches. The most suitable way to get clean now would be with washcloths, but if someone wants to help you, you could just lay down on the bathroom floor and let someone clean you. It's difficult to do that alone, another person can navigate around the bandage better."

The doctor winked at L, and L tried to keep his face blank. "I could do that, if Light-kun wants me to…"

He looked at Light, and Light nodded. "Fine with me. I just want to stay clean."

It sounded indifferent, but L saw Light's cheeks color a soft pink.

The doctor continued with his feet. More wounds, but these wounds looked rougher, small, sharp cuts in the hollow of Light's feet. It didn't look too painful -it was almost healed-, if you didn't know if the small cuts were the way a pain-intensifying drug had entered Light's body, to make his already hurt body suffer even more. Luckily the liquid hadn't had any side-effects, but L made a mental note to at least have all those drugs in Robby's neighborhood destroyed.

The doctor decided his feet were healed enough, and Light was delighted when he saw his feet without bandage. L understood Light must've wondered if he'd ever be able to walk again; he couldn't know what happened with the heavy bandage keeping his feet out of sight.

The last thing they paid attention to was Light's cheek. It was broken, and face-bones could heal very well, but it was necessary to make sure nothing would hit it, so the plaster had to stay for a little while. Light's hair would have to be washed without wetting his face. Another job for L.

"When will he be able to go with us…?"

It sounded anxious, poor Soichiro. Light looked hopeful, L wondered if Light would make the headquarters nicer, or make L anxious, scared of the idea of Light's memories coming back again. Both, maybe…

"We don't know yet. We'll send your son home as soon as possible, preferably when he can walk by himself without risking the wounds opening again, which should be within a week. With care, he could practically go home tomorrow, but we want to keep him for a week longer to keep an eye on the wounds. Within what will probably a week he can go with you, but he'll have to come back a few times to check everything. I recommend a wheel chair, plenty of time outside and someone to help him shower, dress and move around. Someone who can stay with him _all the time_."

L would almost start to believe the intensity of the doctor's eyes became a vague shadow of his. He stared back shamelessly and without blushing, and announced he'd take that role. He'd make sure Light got everything he needed. It was logical, he had put Light into this hollow, and he'd pull him out again. And even if it hadn't been his fault, he would've still done it for Light. He still loved him, and he'd always do, even, and maybe especially, when Light regained his memories about what happened.

They had to pick Light up and bring him back to his bed, and Light protested, but the doctor assured him that if he'd stay in bed now, he could go home sooner. That thought seemed to cheer him up a little, and he accepted the help of L and Soichiro. L touched his waist and belly. Would these be touched by other men too…? Most likely. He stroked Light's waist lightly, hoping Light didn't notice it. He wanted to comfort him; he wanted to lessen the guilt…

They put Light back in his hospital bed, and Light worked himself up, a pillow propped up behind his back.

"If I have to stay here for a week or something, I'd like to have a laptop with me or something…I'm quite bored and I can't sleep, maybe a laptop can give me something to do."

L nodded. "I'll call Watari to buy you one. You're right, if you have to stay here for longer, this is the least I can do."

He'd do more for Light, definitely. He'd heal him until he was the old Light again, even if it would take years. Even if it would take longer than a lifetime. L would heal Light.

"But- Ryuzaki! I meant that you could bring one from the headquarters or something! Do you realize how expensive laptops are?"

"I sure do, and it doesn't matter how expensive it is. I paid for the headquarters too, right? A laptop for Light-kun is a sugar cube compared to that."

Light blushed and opened his mouth to protest again, but realized L would buy him one anyway.

"It's only natural you'll not be allowed to work on the Kira-case here in the hospital, but you should be able to find a way to entertain yourself, okay?"

The last sounded a bit too childish for L's liking, and he hoped Light didn't feel the same.

Light smiled. "If you want to buy one so bad, I'm fine with it, Ryuzaki. Thank you for the care."

If only he knew why…The memories of Light's face as L rejected him was still sticking to L's mind.

A sickening twitch in L's stomach made him tense all the muscles in his body, and he gripped onto his stomach. Light and Soichiro moved towards him, to see what was wrong.

"Ryuzaki, you sure you're alright?"

L grimaced. "Nothing, a stomach ache, that's all…"

Light tried to move closer. "Maybe you should eat something? Don't say this is worry about me, I'm gonna be fine, okay?"

L hoped it so bad another twitch made him cringe, and he gasped in pain and sickness. What was this…?

"Ryuzaki?"

L thought he was going to throw up.

"Maybe I'd better go to the toilet."

He stood up, not looking at Light or his father.

He rushed towards the bathroom, not daring to run but walking fast anyway, and could make it to a toilet just in time before he threw up all the coffee and banana he'd worked down his throat this morning. He coughed and sat still for a minute, feeling exactly where his stomach was positioned in his body. He shook all over his and cursed himself for wasting the banana that had cost him half an hour to finish. Damn, damn, DAMN. He cursed himself again for throwing up anyway. What was wrong with him? He had to be strong now; Light had the right to feel miserable. He had too, you couldn't take that right away from anyone, but he had to put it to the background and concentrate on Light.

He wiped his mouth clean and flushed away all the evidence of his physical weakness, stood up and stopped in front of the mirror. He didn't know what was wrong, maybe it was the lack of food or sleep, but he felt and looked really bad and weak. He had dark lines under his bags (!) and his now pink complexion had hints of grey. He washed his mouth and face and drank some water, but a sour taste lingered in his mouth. Damn. He really pitied the banana.

He washed the small tears (if only they were emotional tears…) out of his eyelashes and waited until the pink color all over his face had disappeared, but he still shook when he walked back to Light and Soichiro. They looked worried when he sat down again. He understood why; people who threw up always looked like they cried for a while.

"Don't worry, I didn't cry. Guess it must've been the banana…"

Light looked worried. "Make sure you eat enough, you're so thin already…"

He wasn't the genius he looked like if he thought L didn't already know that.

"I once discovered my body can function for twenty-two days without proper food. Most people with my body mass index would die after a week. Don't worry about my health, Light-kun. Yours is more worrisome now."

Light looked a little helpless. Maybe he realized L wasn't in the mood to argue about anything, whether it was about laptops or about L's health. Should L feel guilty now? Sure.

Light's eyes stood worried when he told L goodbye again, while L was mostly wondering when it would be his turn to feel as worried as Light did now.

* * *

Two days later, Light was staring at his new laptop screen, playing Spider Solitaire, trying to find some funny games to play or watching stupid, useless movies on the internet. L had given him the laptop and it eased the boredom a little, but it couldn't keep his mind away from the very person who handed him the laptop this morning.

He'd been worried the moment he saw L. The hollow look in his eyes, the tired but restless atmosphere he brought with him. The way he moved, even more listlessly and slowly than usual. L had thrown up last time, probably discarding all the food he'd need to function properly. Light was really worried about how L would feel without any food, and how it would affect his body. L's bones were already visible in some places, and Light could create a vivid image of how L would look if he'd lose too much weight. He didn't know if he wanted to see that, and if he wanted to know how moody L would be if he wouldn't eat enough. It was a rather scaring thought.

What would L be doing right now…? Within less than a week he'd know exactly what L would be doing. Lying in his bed with his knees against his chest, staring at a laptop screen too, showering, maybe…? Light stared at the Bubbles-game he was playing. He was losing badly, but felt too tired to do something about it. He wanted to sleep in the headquarters, but if he couldn't sleep here, he wondered if he'd be able to do so there. Maybe when L rubbed his back, if he'd draw slow circles on Light's muscles…He'd done that once, and it had been so relaxing…Yeah, with L's help he'd fall asleep soon enough. He did wonder how long he could last without sleep, however. Not sleeping felt bad. Did L feel this bad all the time…?

Of course, the theories about what happened started to sail through his head again. A traffic accident, a fight, a robbing, one of L's weird cases…It all crossed his mind, but nothing made sense. He was touching around in the dark, and it was so unsatisfying he wished he could forget there had to be a reason for him being wounded. But he couldn't, and it nagged his mind all the time. Except from the moments L was there, moments that took way too short for Light's liking (and maybe L's too…? The way he held Light's hand today, and touched his waist…). Sigh, L. Where was he at the moment…? The headquarters of course, where would he be if it wasn't there…?

Light could still feel L's hand on his waist, anyway. It was if he was still touching him there, the pressure of a hand that no touch could remove, no shower or bubble bath, a hand that would stay there…He laid his hand on the spot. No hand. Still it was there, L's fingers slowly stroking him through the cotton material as he supported him. Light wondered why. L's way of apologizing, hadn't he been realizing what it did to Light…? L…

The tenth game of Bubbles started, and Light talked in his head to L about how he was going to win.

'_See? It's about precision and concentration, and looking where you should try to remove them…Look! I made all the pink bubbles disappear, for you. I always try to do the yellow ones __first; they don't fit the other colors. Do you think so too? I called myself Moon. If I break the high score from today, the whole world will see 'Moon' broke it. Isn't that interesting?'_

The L in his head didn't say anything, only stared at the screen with his hand on Light's waist. Light wondered why he wouldn't talk. Would L be asleep…?

When he glanced at the clock in the corner of the screen, half an hour of daydreaming about L had passed. Love was so cruel…Light would rather stare at L all the time, admire him and talk to him, instead of wishing he were around...Some nurse came in and said he had to go asleep, and he put the laptop away without arguing. The daydreams about L became actual dreams, dreams about L's hands soothing Light's body. Hands that could never be washed away, that would stick to Light's body for so much longer. They slid over his bare back, his sides, his belly and up to his chest. They touched his nipples and held his shoulders, and caressed the soft insides of his arms, tracing veins you could make out if you pressed into Light's skin carefully. They ended with his hands and stroked them, furled them together and held them against Light's chest, Light's hands on his heart with L's hands on top of them. He dreamt he fell asleep, and he couldn't remember the things he dreamt after that. Maybe it was better he didn't. Maybe it was just stretching the time he'd need to heal. He wouldn't know, he wouldn't remember the dreams that were actual memories of pain and regret. He only knew that he was crying when he woke up, a giant hollow in his chest he couldn't explain yet.

* * *

Hands. Hands that would stick to the body of that little slut for much longer.

Subaru grinned when he remembered the brunet he'd raped so satisfyingly. The pain in his face, what a treasure…He started laughing out loud when he imagined the trauma he caused. He knew he was still alive, nothing more. He hoped Virgie was crying right now, and that the gun-whore with the boring clothes was trying to comfort him without making it any better. Yeah, sorrow…He licked his lips when he imagined it.

The cell he was in was small and sterile, and all he was wearing was a striped overall with a number on it. Prison. He'd always wondered how it would be in prison…There were probably enough chicks and boys brought here to be punished by him. He giggled. Poor, poor…Who'd be next? After Virgie he'd like some chick to hit on her butt, he wondered when his free time would start. Finally some jerk with a silly hat came in to take him outside of the cell, and brought him to the main room. He looked around for Buddy and Chicken, but he couldn't find them. Where they here, actually…?

He searched for some nice chicks, but didn't find them. He pulled his pierced eyebrow up. Only men and not little sluts. All broad and muscled men, with balls in their arms making the fabric of their overall almost snap. He smirked. Heh. Losers…

"Hey, look!"

A few men looked around, to notice him standing in the middle of the room. Soon they were all looking at him, and he looked back. They were really ugly…Yuck, maybe he'd have to fuck one of them.

A man with 'Kill the one I love and hate' (or something, the guy who put that thing there had a quite lame hand writing) on his arm stepped closer.

"You, guy…You know what's gonna happen tonight…"

Subaru rolled his eyes. "Yuck, don't tell me I'll have to fuck _you_. Do it yourself, or ask _him_."

He pointed at a man with black fingers and two cigarettes between his lips.

All the men laughed suddenly.

"It'll be the other way round…"

Tss. Whatever. It was Subaru who caused agony, not them. He rolled his eyes again.

"Yeah whatever; try whatever you like. I raped more sluts in my life than you can count. Bye."

He walked away and let himself lead through the building, waiting for the moment some chick would appear. When the moment didn't arrive, he grinned and started going through a list of all sluts he'd done the last few months. Virgie had been the best, definitely. Poor kid, heh…

The last thing they showed him was the shower, and he giggled when he imagined in what ways he could press a victim to the tiles. It didn't pop up in his head that what would happen tonight would be the other way round indeed, and he couldn't believe what was happening until he was left in a puddle of sweat, blood and semen.

Just like Virgie.


	11. Exhaustion

_**11.**__** Exhaustion**_

"I feel bad…"

Soichiro pulled the blankets around the World's Three Best Detectives a little tighter, and looked at what he could see of his face. L pulled those same blankets up to his eyes, and all Soichiro could see were two sad black orbs. He usually looked so alert and vivid, despite his lack of sleep, but now he looked as exhausted as you'd expect from someone who slept that little. Soichiro was extremely sorrowful about his son, but he really felt bad for L too. He'd seen him shaking, defeated and shocked before, but he'd never seen him like this, and it scared him a little.

"Ryuzaki, Light is right. Please make sure you eat enough. You're shaking a little."

L sighed softly, probably without the intention to let Soichiro hear it, but Soichiro noticed his breathing was shaking too. He looked at the contours of L's body through the blankets, and though the blankets were fairly thick could Soichiro still make out the shape of his waist and hips. He shuddered. L really didn't have many reserves to burn if he stopped eating.

"I just don't have appetite. I'll try to eat something tomorrow. Maybe when Light-kun can come back I'll be able to eat."

Soichiro wondered if L knew what he'd just said, but he suddenly felt a lot of sympathy for the ball of limbs and blankets he was staring at. He felt so guilty and worried he couldn't eat, which showed a totally new side of L, and he loved Soichiro's son so much he missed him enough to stop eating. Soichiro patted the form of L's shoulder.

"I hope so. I'll arrange breakfast tomorrow; I want you to at least try one thing you like, plus a cup of tea. You'll not leave the table before you eat something."

He wondered how he managed to talk to his current boss like this, but maybe L was taking over the role of a son…? He reminded Soichiro of Light, at first sight you'd never think the two had anything in common, but L's reactions on bad events were similar to his son's. Light would look sad, would always find a reason to feel guilty and stop eating momentarily, with the difference that Light cried easily, but L didn't seem to be able to do so. Soichiro wondered why.

He decided to leave it how it was; he already was invading L's personal space so much it was becoming unprofessional.

"I'll see you tomorrow. Sleep well."

He left L and clicked the light off, wondering if L would start crying right now.

* * *

"Hahaha, you're so funny, Evening God…"

"No, really, I lost my memories, I have no idea what happened-"

"Aww, that's so cute…See, I told you he was shy!"

"Really, I can't remember a thing-"

"B-"

"Light-kun?"

The three girls standing in Light's room turned around when they heard L's voice, and one of them gasped in adoration when she saw him. The other two pulled their eyebrows up and slid their gazes over his too wide clothes, and up again, to his eye bags. L didn't care and looked at Light, whose cheeks had turned a soft pink that melted L's heart. The cinnamon eyes blinked slowly, as if L was a regained memory Light had to adjust to.

"Ryuzaki…? I thought you weren't coming today…"

L smiled a little, walked to Light's bed and hugged him tightly, not wanting to let him go and pitying the girls behind him for interrupting their privacy. Light stroked L's back lazily, indicating that he wouldn't mind them gone either.

"I didn't have anything to do, so I thought I'd better visit you."

"Hmmm…"

L buried his nose in Light's hair, to smell disinfectant shampoo Light had showered with, probably with the help of two or three giggling nurses staring at his nudity. L touched Light's bare neck. They didn't have the right to touch this softness…

The girls behind them didn't say anything until L let go, half a minute after he'd walked in. Light smiled lovingly at L, and L was sure it was partly on purpose, because Light's eyes weren't completely focused on him, he saw.

"Umm…Maybe we'd better leave you two alone…"

The girls left, one giggling and two looking downright disappointed. Light frowned, shrugged and pulled L against him again, first holding him tightly, but releasing some pressure after he noticed L was hugging him back. He sighed, laying his hands on L's back and tracing some vertebras. L shuddered lightly, not enough to notice, and worked his hands underneath Light's shoulder blades. His neck was very soft against L's cheek, and he could almost touch that velvet with his lips…

He closed his eyes. Light was so good. Everything about him made L love him so much it hurt badly. His blushes, his smiles, his natural perfume, his softness…L couldn't get enough of it. He actually forgot why they were in a hospital, until he noticed Light sighed softly.

"Light-kun, what is it…?"

L pulled back and soothed Light's face, seeing how tears were forming in Light's tired eyes. The guilt that had disappeared for a minute was flung back like a hammer in L's chest.

"I-it's nothing, I just wish we were back at the headquarters…I'm fed up with this hospital and these clothes, and I want to be somewhere I feel home…"

L wanted to kiss Light, to make everything alright, to see him forgetting he was in a hospital…He was so beautiful and yet he looked so tired it hurt. L took a tissue and dried Light's tears.

"Tomorrow you'll be going home, Light-kun. We'll leave this hospital together, and I'll bring you back to the headquarters."

Light smiled through his tears. "You can't drive, Ryuzaki. Watari or Dad will bring us to the headquarters."

L smirked. "Bang. That hurts. You're right, but I'll be with you, I promise. Does that make you feel a little better…?"

A touched smile brightened Light's face, and the tears started welling up in his eyes again.

"Yes. Thank you, Ryuzaki…"

L put the tissue away, sitting down on Light's bed against the part of the propped up pillow Light wasn't leaning against, and took the crying boy in his arms. The tears in Light's eyes started streaming down his cheeks, but it didn't worry the male holding him. L was sure they were just a release of stress Light hadn't been able to share with anyone in the past few days. Matsuda discovered patterns in the killingsthat had to be investigated, but in the end it had been nothing, it only resulted in shortened visits to Light while Soichiro was around constantly, and sometimes Sayu, Sachiko and some random girls. Like today. Even with plaster covering his face Light looked god-like, so it wasn't strange that there were still girls hitting on him, but L hadn't had the opportunity to be alone with Light.

L slowly rocked Light, soothing his hair and face, wiping away the tears on Light's cheeks. He felt so guilty that Light had to go through this…Light was a bit of a crybaby, not every tear meant something being terribly wrong, L knew that now, but still, he wouldn't have cried those tears for those reasons if L hadn't been so rough…He closed his eyes and concentrated on the feeling of Light's soft skin and the weight of his head against L's chest, instead of the two cups of coffee and half a doughnut in his stomach. They weren't allowed to come out; Light didn't have to see L going sick again. Plus, L needed all his energy in order to make sure Light was feeling a little better.

He just put Light back on his pillow and sat back on the side of his bed, when the doctor walked in with that arrogant posture of his.

"Gentlemen."

Light and L were both startled when they heard the voice. Light quickly dried the remaining tears and tried to look normal, L crept away from Light a little further.

"I am here to tell you some good news. Yagami…" He once again had to look on the paper he was holding. How long did he need to have someone with such a strange name in his section before he'd remember it…? "…Light, yes, Yagami Light, will be allowed to go home by tomorrow. His wounds are healed enough to make sure they'll not infect or open again. We'll remove the stitches in his legs next hour, we'll stop with the anesthesia and he'll be allowed to go. He'll have to come back every three days, for the next two weeks. We'll look at the wounds and talk about his mental state. Is that alright with you, gentlemen?"

Light had frowned at the words 'mental state', which L understood perfectly, but he was happy that Light would be allowed to go to the headquarters. L was glad Light would most likely regain his memories in a place where he felt home. Light did so; he'd said it more often than just a minute ago. Plus, most people needed to feel at home somewhere before they could roll on the floor from laughter, like Light had done so much the last few weeks before…_it_.

The doctor left again, announcing that 'Yagami…Light, yes, Light' would be operated on again within one hour. He had to dress for it (meaning: remove his cotton pants), and L had to leave again, he wasn't allowed to stay because 'visit time was over'. He hugged Light tightly, apologized that he wouldn't be there after he had gone to the surgery once again, and left with pain in his heart, knowing Light had to pass the night alone, again. He wanted to leave the floor, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around, facing the doctor. He was smiling that toothpaste-smile of his, and L felt annoyance twitch his hand.

"Hello, friend from Yagami Light. Are you going to take him with you, tomorrow?"

L nodded. "He'll be going somewhere where he'll be taken care of constantly. He'll feel home enough to recover mentally."

He hoped it, so badly.

The doctor grinned. "Perfect. Well, what I wanted to ask you: Have you ever dealt with rape victims before?"

A thousand times. At Wammy's, during cases, more things in his life…It just had never really been his fault like this…

"Yes," L mumbled bluntly.

"Well, may I still supply you with some advice?"

L nodded, eying the doctor distantly. He really didn't like the man. He unnerved him so much L wondered if it was his intuition warning him. He decided alarm bells felt different, but still made a mental note to stay with Light when he had to return to the hospital for check-up.

"Alright. Well, at first, you know rape victims often stop eating and grow reluctant to physical contact?"

Of course he knew. There was a girl in Wammy's who'd been abused and raped too, at a much younger age. Most kids loved hugging L so much his face went blue, but this girl hadn't done so for a year. L, who'd been fourteen by that time and already the favorite panda plushy of most children of Wammy's, had let her, he didn't want to scare her, but after a year she'd outstretched her arms and asked L for a hug, like the other kids. L had felt her shaking and tensing, but he'd just rocked her softly and after a while she'd relaxed. Mello had said it was one of L's talents; that he was so relaxing to hug because he was soft. L had wondered if it had something to do with fat, but one look in the mirror had changed that idea. His weight would make you think it was L who'd gone through the same as the girl, instead of Light…

"I know that, I personally dealt with rape victims before, and I'll try to help Light-kun as good as possible. I want him to recover, like I said, physically and mentally. I know what to do when rape victims stop eating or don't want to touch others anymore."

The doctor frowned. L could imagine most people were all 'Thank you, doctor, you're a hero…', while L had probably more experience than he had, and didn't listen to his advice. He'd heal Light, and he knew he was capable enough to do so. Light-kun. L loved him.

"Thank you for your help, doctor, but I think I'll be going home now. I'll be here tomorrow to pick Light-kun up. Thank you for caring for him."

The doctor flashed him a plastic smile and a 'Naturally, it's my duty', but L caught the annoyance behind it. Yes, L felt the same… Two big egos meeting under the wrong circumstances.

When he walked out of the hospital to step in the car Watari was driving, he felt the guilt that had disappeared momentarily because of the annoyance almost stifle him. Light-kun, what happened, what had ever gone wrong that it ended up like this…? Fate was cruel, if this was Fate's fault.

"Ryuzaki, are you alright…?"

L managed to nod, but knew that Watari saw right through him. He'd seen him in a state like this before, he knew when L felt like he was dying inside.

Back at the headquarters, he stormed straight upstairs and crashed into the bed, creeping to Light's pillow and burying his head in it, to sniff up the scent of Light when he was asleep; salty but natural, with a hint of Light's eternal coconut shampoo. L would be the one to make Light's hair smell like that…Until Light would regain his memories, he thought with the feeling of a rubber hammer hitting him in his guts. Light. Light. Light. Why…Why did all this happen…It wasn't fair at all…

He breathed in and made his tummy swell, and flatten again when he released the air. Light filled his lungs. Light crushed him from the inside, the memories, the regret, the guilt, the idea of Light being unconscious right now, the doctor removing the band-aid and the stitches, and maybe checking if another part of Light was already healed…Would that be what the anesthetics had been for…? Making sure Light wouldn't feel the pain that would make him figure out what happened…? It could be… L started to wonder if they did that with more people in the same state as Light. Things were weird.

He also started wondering what would happen if he'd tell everything that happened, so that Light could get used to the idea, like he'd said himself. He'd give Light one day to be happy he was home, and as soon as Light started about it again, L would tell him everything, the whole story, from the beginning to the end. Everything he knew. Maybe it would make the memories turn back spontaneously, Light's brain was so logical it had probably subconsciously figured out everything, but repressed it to protect itself. It was a natural defense mechanism of the human psychology that was active every conscious moment of a human life, to protect the mind from being poisoned by things that didn't matter or make sense. L knew it, and wondered if that was the reason Light couldn't remember anything. Because his brain didn't want him to remember anything. Would it be better like this, would it be possible the memories would stay away all his life…? In that case, L could tell Light, to fasten the recovery process. The thought of being raped had to be hard to comprehend, though he couldn't remember it actually happening, but not knowing would leave him wondering for the rest of his life. Unless he figured it out...

L bit his lip and started shaking all over his body, laying on his side with Light's pillow pressed over his face, praying for the tears to come, hoping that Light wouldn't regain his memories soon, and at the same time hoping everything would be over. Light had to recover, he had to remember everything and deal with it, with L by his side, and L would fight for him until he'd see that bright smile again, the smile that made him wonder how he could've lived without Light for more than twenty-five years. The smile he'd fallen so much in love with.

His chest started heaving, and every fiber of L screamed for him to cry, to release a tiny bit of the burden crushing him from inside. He thought he'd die if this would continue. Was it possible to die from guilt…? Who knew, sometimes people died from a broken heart, and maybe L wasn't an exception. He'd pretty much broken his own heart too, but he'd completely ruined Light's. Hearts could be healed, though…All his life, L had seen hearts being broken, but he'd also seen how hearts could be healed. The most broken persons, the most angst-filled hearts could heal again…

It wasn't the question_ if_ Light's heart would heal, but _how fast_. L would heal Light's heart by all means necessary. He'd even ask that stupid doctor for help if it was necessary. Light was more important than L's pride. There was just one thing that got in his way…L wasn't sure what this all would do to him. He was used to live under pressure, to feel guilt, to repair lives and sometimes break them for Justice's sake, but this was so close he wondered how it would affect him. He already was shaking all over and unable to cry for some reason. It shouldn't get any worse…

He kept pondering over these things all night, thinking of every way he could to heal Light. What would happen if he'd leave him, if he'd make Light forget him, just stayed away from him so that Light could recover without L reminding him about all those things…? What would happen if L would tell him everything and what would happen if he'd never remember after that? Would he ever believe him, would he think L was lying to hide another truth…? Would he end it all, unable to live with the thought of being used…? L's stomach pressed together so hard L had to roll of the bed and run to the toilet before he'd throw up all over Light's pillow. It seemed to take hours before L's stomach was completely empty, literally nothing left in his still twitching stomach. His arms and hands almost couldn't support him anymore, the back of his throat burned and his mouth tasted so disgusting he wondered if there existed toothpaste with a taste strong enough to make this disappear. He felt so terribly weak.

After minutes of staring at the sour his own body had produced with as only goal destroying bacteria and fungi L would eat when hungry (which wasn't now), L forced himself up and flushed it all down, cleaned his mouth and brushed his teeth, drank a glass of water to get the burning feeling away and threw all his clothes in the empty laundry basket. He walked back to the bed and realized he'd put his phone in his jeans, and his jeans in the laundry basket. He walked back, took his phone and saw it was 11:23PM, way too early for L's liking. It would take too many hours before he'd be allowed to take Light with him.

Light-kun.

Sweet, soft Light-kun.

L wondered what to do, decided he didn't feel like showering and instead took washcloths to clean himself thoroughly with water and fruit-scented yoghurt-shower gel, in an attempt to relax some and kill time before Light would be back. He realized he'd have to clean Light right there, on the bathroom floor…Light would be able to walk, probably, but L would have to wash his hair and body, to make sure he wouldn't wet the wounds if not necessary. He'd massage Light's feet, he decided. To relax him, but for how long…? Light would get his memories back, once…Would he want to be touched then…? Maybe he wouldn't want to, what if he'd grow so reluctant for physical contact he'd jerk away if his hand would touch L's while taking their toothbrushes? Would he start panicking if L tried to soothe his arm? Would he be startled by someone rubbing his back? Would he be disgusted when L hugged him, while all L wanted was to comfort him…?

The young male closed his eyes and sat still for another few minutes, before he was cooled all over his skin and was forced into taking a hot shower, to make sure he wouldn't catch a cold and be ill while he'd have to nurse Light. He decided to solve some cases after that. Wrapped in the biggest and softest towel he could find, he walked back to his laptop and turned it on, to mail Watari for some cases. Apparently Watari was awake and understood him, because he'd found L three cases involving money, nothing with murder, violence or rape. L solved them, thanking Watari from the bottom of his heart. When he was done, it was 8:23AM, he dressed and met Soichiro in the kitchen. He looked a little better than the days before, and he greeted L with an "I heard you solved three extremely difficult cases in one night, congratulations, Ryuzaki" and they drank coffee together, talking about some good things Matsuda had done for the investigation. L felt a sparkle of joy in his chest. Matsuda was still the same idiot. Everything good he'd done was either pure accidence or had even looked very disadvantaging for the Task Force, but later on someone else would decide to make the best out of it and found out something so good that Matsuda had to have a reason why he never failed as a cop.

They worked a sandwich with marmalade (L added sugar) down their throats, in anticipation of Light's sleepy face next to them within twenty-four hours. Soichiro wondered when Light would get his memories back; L could see it behind his eyes. He asked Soichiro if he was fine, and Soichiro answered he should be the one asking L. Still the same Soichiro…

The man drove to the hospital with L next to him, and they talked about what they'd do with Light. Soichiro would check on him three times a day, comfort him as well as possible and he said he'd take care of L as well. L didn't see how, but he let it pass. Light was Soichiro's son. He still felt like an intruder.

When the elevator stopped on Light's floor and the door opened, L was immediately greeted by the sight of two beautiful honey brown eyes shining when they saw him, and he had to step out of the elevator before Light would make him fall back into it. He was crushed by his abused love, Light holding onto him as if he were a life saver (which he was, for many people) and slowly rocking as he clung to L. Soichiro stood next to it, and L saw him smile, touched that his son could be so affectionate. When Light finally released L, it was Soichiro's turn and he was crushed too, and it was just then that L realized Light was wearing regular clothes, and that he was walking. He stared at Light's legs, now only visible from the backside and looking as slender, sexy and athletic as they always did. No scars, no stitches, no weak little sticks as limbs were visible through his pants, which was logical, but L was glad. Light's legs were still the same, it looked (and L had stared often enough to know what they looked like).

Light walked away, to his room, the probably two most important persons in his life staring at him. Light was so strong it was incredible. L glanced at his side, Soichiro glanced back and for a little moment, both shone with pride and love. For Light.

"Let's go, I don't want to stay here a second longer!"

Light greeted a few nurses, thanked the doctor and realized he forgot his phone. While he was gone to search it, L and Soichiro made an appointment with the doctor to come back within two days, to see how Light was doing. Light would have to rest for the first few days and get a lot of fresh air, eat healthy and his wounds had to be cleaned twice a day too. He'd be allowed to work some (L asked it, Light would probably like to start working on the Kira-case again), but no full days, and he had to take breaks. He also needed love- the doctor looked at L again- because the healing process would be slowed down terribly if he thought he was alone. He needed physical contact ; simple touches like a pat on his shoulder or arms brushing while standing next to someone else. L almost spaced out since he could dream all this already. Sorry, doctor, L knew how to deal with rape victims.

Light appeared again, his face worried. "My cell is gone! I think someone stole it or it fell on the sheets, and now it's being washed together with the sheets, but I don't want my cell to be dead…"

The doctor smiled and handed Light his cell, telling him he shouldn't let it wander there where everyone could find it. He winked at L. Had the doctor stolen Light's phone, knowing he'd get to talk to L and Soichiro, without Light around, like that…? L didn´t know if he should respect it or not. It was something he´d done himself, many times, but he didn´t like it that the doctor manipulated Light like that. Only L and Light were allowed to trick each other.

Light held the laptop L had bought him under his arm, and Soichiro took the bag with underwear and other necessities over from him. Light waved at the girls from yesterday (one of them had an arm packed in plaster, L noticed, explaining why those brats actually were in a hospital), and the elevator doors closed. The space was practically lit up by Light's happiness. As soon as the elevator started moving, he turned to L and Soichiro, and he kept on telling how happy he was that he was gone from the hospital, until they were in the car.

Light and L started chatting about Matsuda and Misa, about how L managed to send Misa to Kyoto for a series of photo shoots that would take a month, and about the leads Matsuda had found to Kira (during the earlier visits, all they'd done was hold and comfort each other, or Soichiro and others being around asking Light how he was feeling, so they hadn´t really talked). Light soon started about everything he hated about the hospital, about how annoying it was to have your legs paralyzed, about how useless he'd felt, and how he'd missed his Dad and L.

"It's just…I got so used to your presence that it's hard to sleep without you. Not in the wrong way or something, you just feel familiar and I hated that I didn't have you to share my annoyance with. The room was too empty and impersonal, I couldn't even move without having to rearrange my legs while they were limp, and I couldn't even shower or use the bathroom by myself. Do you know how humiliating it is when you need someone else to hold you up while you pee?"

L snickered. "Luckily you can do it yourself now. If I had to carry you to the bathroom every time, I'd have left you in that hospital."

Light looked hurt, and L smiled sweetly at Light. "Kidding."

He knew that it was way too early to feel relieved, but he couldn't but feel lighter when he saw the Headquarters appear, knowing that he'd heal Light.


	12. Repression

_A/N:__ I'm not gonna apologize. _

_My apologies^^_

_Aaarggh, I did it__xP_

_Special Thanks to Blanca 'the' Angel Loveless and of course Hellion728, Black-dranzer-1119 and Dllvanzor for the beta-ing and the inspiration:D:D:D MLM loves ya^^_

_Oh, well^^ Enjoy^^ I'm trying to get Light's memories back as fast as I canx3 But first: LxLight-alone-time. They deserve it:)_

_**12**__**. Repression**_

"Light-kun, do you feel like showering? I can imagine you'd like to be clean after lying in a hospital bed for so long."

Light blinked, and felt a blush creep over his face. It was true, he was clean, but he felt like the hospital clothing still stuck to his skin. In some ways it did, the ever-present plaster was still there, and he'd lain in that bed for way too long. It felt disgusting that he was only allowed to shower once every two days, but not being able to move around had been the worst. Light was an active person, like L had remarked before. He'd said Light looked so calm and controlled, but that he was always moving; in his sleep he constantly rolled around, when he sat he was tapping with a foot or chewing on a pen, when he talked he was constantly moving with his hands and he really couldn't sit still for too long, and Light knew it very well. No one but L ever really noticed it, Light preferred looking controlled, but Light hated sitting still for too long. School, homework and the Kira-case were fine, as long as he could take breaks and sport often. If he couldn't, all his energy would collect itself in his legs and especially his head, it felt, and he'd sleep even worse. Needless to say, he hadn't been able to take breaks from 'resting' all the time, sleeping had been hard and his legs still itched. He wanted to run for hours or play a tennis match against L, but he wasn't allowed to, yet. Oh well, he had walked for an hour today, and the itch had lessened already.

The idea of L washing him sounded very good, however.

"If you help me, sure. By the way, can we go out tomorrow? I haven't had enough exercise last week and my legs feel weird."

L smiled. "We can go out tomorrow. Do you want to walk to the park again or something? You're not allowed to move too much, but the weather's going to be cloudy tomorrow, meaning that my skin won't burn away if I walk outside."

L was still L. Light knew how bad L felt, but he still made incredibly dry remarks, so Light guessed he was fine. He remembered how depressed L had been when he had to conclude he couldn't solve the case by catching Light and Misa, and then he hadn't made any dry remarks at all.

They walked into the bathroom and as they undressed, Light peeked at the white skin that appeared when L took his shirt off. He looked so soft, like always, the same muscles were still defined by the same taut and supple skin. It made want Light to touch him, feel that skin and its warmth. L was warmer than he looked, and Light loved to use him as his personal heater. It would be horrible if Light couldn't touch him for some reason.

Light almost forgot he had to undress too, and quickly threw his jeans and brown shirt on the floor, to hide that he'd been staring at L. It really felt the same as before; adoring L and trying to hide it, almost like a game. The goal was to get to see as much L as possible without being caught. Light loved the game. It was arousing.

He saw a flash of L's butt before L wrapped a towel around his waist, and threw one at Light too. It didn't hide much, it reminded Light at Misa's skirts, but it also reminded him at the spa where he'd been with his family once, which had been so relaxing. This actual bathroom pretty much resembled a spa, it was a calm room made out of marble with some wooden details, some green and a lot of Rituals-products. Light felt calm by just being there. L smiled at him and reminded him at what the doctor had said: lie down on the floor and let someone wash you. L spread three big towels piled on the floor, to form a mattress, even took a smaller one and folded it to use as a pillow, and pointed at it.

"Lie down and relax, Light-kun."

The floor was warmed (Light thought he'd faint if he'd find out how expensive this single bathroom had been), which radiated through the towels, and Light sighed in relaxation when he felt the softness against his skin. L carefully wiped a strand of hair away from the plaster on his face, making Light blush again. He really wondered what he had with L. It somehow wasn't possible that this was simply platonic, right…? L was so touchy and affectionate, he did things others would label as 'gay' immediately, like soothing Light's face or rubbing their cheeks together in a cat-like gesture Light found very cute. It would feel completely natural if he'd kiss Light's cheek right now.

Or was he really feeling guilty, and was he just trying to comfort Light? The confusion would've made his head spin, but L touched his cheek again and brushed all the hair away from the plaster, to tap on it with his finger.

"This will be removed soon, right…?"

Light blinked. They'd soon go to the hospital again to check him up, and decide what they should do with it. It didn't hurt anymore, and L apparently decided he had to stay positive, because he said it would be removed. Light wondered how it would look. A broken cheekbone, the doctor said it had been loose, but that they operated on it and attached it to his skull again (how?), meaning something happened to his skin. What would it be? A small scar or an ugly line across his cheek…? He suddenly felt a little nauseous by the idea of a scar on his face, but luckily L was there to attract his attention.

"Do you want me to just wash your skin, or do you fancy a massage…?"

L smirked a little, indicating that he already knew the answer. Light laughed softly.

"What do you think?"

L blew a kiss in Light's direction and stood up to get some massage oil. Expectable or not, L knew a lot about the human body and how to relax and take care of it. There were at least four bottles with aroma-therapy massage oil L was looking through now. Sweet…

Light watched how L chose lavender and jojoba (relaxation, Light knew), took a shower head, a foot and laid it on his knees, and started kneading it, using the oil. Light closed his eyes and laid his arms under his head and improvised pillow. Hmmm…

L rubbed the downsides of his foot with his thumbs, pressing in the hollow of his foot and rubbing the sides of it and kneading everything he could knead, ending with massaging all his toes individually. He finished the foot by washing it completely with the shower head, and went to the other one. It was so relaxing; Light wished he'd go on and on until he'd regain those stupid memories. Whatever these memories would be, and he really thought it had something to do with seeing someone die in front of his eyes (would he be a murderer? No…?), nothing would stop him from making L rub his feet. The thumbs pressing the hollow of his foot, sliding over his heel and wiggling his toes professionally, and the more narrow digits soothing the upside of his foot. L was great at this, he was sure this was a talent not many people had.

As soon as both his feet were relaxed, L washed it and asked Light if he wanted L to wash his legs.

"The doctor said it was your task, I don't mind, so…yes, my legs, please."

Both smiled, and L took the massage oil to rub Light's calves. Hmmm, L's hands…Light really hoped he'd never stop doing this. He wondered how long they could live without food. Watari could bring some…

Also, they just had dinner after a walk outside (they'd been hugging for half an hour! Half an hour! Normal friends wouldn't do that, even under such circumstances, right…?) and Light had realized how much he'd missed Watari's cooking talents; Watari usually made dinner himself. L's sweets were mostly bought, but that was logical regarding the amount of food he ate. It would be impossible to keep up that pace… L had eaten apple cake just now, and Light was glad to see that. He'd worried a little about L's appetite, and he still hadn't really looked content by shoving the apple cake into his mouth, but he ate something and wasn't sick, so Light was happy. He'd keep an eye on L's health, like L was obviously caring for his too. It was beautiful that they felt like this, though Light knew it was (partly?) based on guilt on L's side.

L washed the oil off Light's calves and took body lotion, to massage it into Light's skin from his toes to his knees. Light disappeared into the sensations. L was amazing; that he could do this to Light with only his hands…They had something magic, every time they touched Light. L's hand on his forehead when he had a headache, his fingertips brushing against Light's face when he played with Light's hair, or the back of his hand touching Light's as they walked next to each other. Light's skin would tingle lightly, and the feeling of L's skin would linger on his. Light always felt like that when others touched him, the touches of others usually had some effect on him, but it was much stronger with L. It wasn't strange, regarding what Light felt for him, it was just great to feel his hands like this.

He then felt a hand crawl through his hair, and opened his eyes to see L's upper body bending over him, the hairless chest and armpits (L waxed it all, he hated body hair) and the lean waist with the outlines of L's belly muscles. Light's face heated instantly, and he knew L could see it, but he decided he didn't care. L brushed all the brown locks out of Light's face and carefully wetted it with the shower head, taking coconut shampoo and kneading Light's hair with it.

"Could you sit up, Light-kun?"

L's body disappeared, but his fingertips stayed, relaxing Light's scalp and making Light realize how much he loved it when others touched his hair. Not girls messing up his hair, though, because they just wanted to see his reaction, and feel his hair (he knew it looked soft and touchable, he wasn't completely dense), but he didn't care why L would touch his hair. He was so relaxing… Light smiled in contentment. The smell of the familiar coconut shampoo made him feel home again, as if a piece of the hospital in his memories washed away. He was finally gone; he was back there where he could feel calm.

The shampoo washed away again, and L also massaged conditioner in his hair, making both grin. No one could've lived this close to Light without noticing his habit to use conditioner, and L loved to tease Light with it, but L had the permission to do so. There had once been a girl who broke into Light's bathroom (a story for another time, really) and found out about all the cosmetics Light used. She'd teased him with it, but she wasn't a close friend of Light's, she didn't deserve to be teased back (that was what she'd wanted, obviously) and Light definitely hadn't trusted her (and his distrust had been right because the whole school knew about it after a day. Luckily Light 'won' because all the guys used conditioner after a week). He knew he could trust L with anything he said, if it hadn't too much to do with the Kira-case. Only L and Sayu were allowed to tease Light with his hair. It wasn't like they disliked the smell and softness of Light's hair, and Light was happy that they didn't directly tell him it was way too feminine. They knew, and that was enough.

"Light-kun?"

"Hm?"

"How do you feel?"

Light sighed. "Relaxed, home and happy that you aren't scared of the fact that I use expensive coconut conditioner."

L laughed softly, very L-like. Some people laughed hard and hysterically (for some reason Light couldn't explain did Kira pop up in his head. How would he laugh…? Like a maniac, most likely), but L's laugh was like his voice; deep, calm and a bit monotone. Light couldn't describe how much the sound relaxed him. L never faked laughing and it made him feel good that L could laugh right now. He really didn't deserve feeling bad, whatever he'd done.

"Naturally, I bought it for you. If I were scared of conditioner, your hair wouldn't have been this soft, and that would be regrettable. Do girls always try to touch it…?"

Light sighed dramatically. "Girls, guys, family, strangers, hell. The worst are birthday parties. Imagine the sisters of my mother -you know her, right?- all trying to touch your hair and face all the time, and last year one even tried to peek under my shirt to see if I used conditioner for chest hair or something. I don't hate it enough to stop using that conditioner though, it's for me and touches don't feel bad, but it becomes annoying at a certain point. I'm more than soft hair, heh."

L's laugh again. It was one of the most genuine sounds in the world.

"Do you mind if I touch it?"

"No."

"Very well, because even if you did, I'd still do so."

There was a hint of sexual tension in the silence that followed, but Light didn't know whose side it radiated off. His, certainly, but what did L feel…? He decided it didn't matter for now as long as L liked to touch him. He hung his head above the shower drain, propping up his elbows, and closed his eyes when L washed all the conditioner away. This was pure luxury; he loved the feeling of other's hands in his hair. There was more than one reason why he liked going to the hairdresser.

L washed his face carefully with face gel, and Light smiled when he realized how feminine they were. L knew pretty much about body health, more than most women, most likely… Light just had his feminine sides, he'd never denied that to himself. It was a big difference if he denied it to himself or to others, something L understood. It made it easier to admit things like that to L, he understood. There were enough smart people in the world, but not all of them were as understanding as L.

A turban was made around Light's head and L gently pushed Light on his stomach, to massage his back slowly, starting with the muscles of his lower back and slowly working his hands up, adding massage oil once in a while wherever he felt tension. Light noticed all the bad experiences from the hospital disappeared, faded away. He could just fall asleep right here, right now, with the floor heaters and L's hands. Maybe L would fall asleep with his head resting on Light's back. Using others as pillows was pretty comfortable, actually…

L kneaded his shoulders and slid his hands down Light's spine, tickled his sides softly, making Light twitch, and took the shower head again to remove all the massage oil. Light was turned to his back again and L washed his arms, armpits and asked Light if he wanted him to take care of the rest too. Light wondered how L would react on an iron pipe forming under the blanket that L had put back repeatedly (it tended to fall off, it wasn't exactly big), and soon got an answer when L accidentally brushed his nipple and Light arched into it with a sigh, and indeed felt blood rush to his most opinionated and problematic, but most important organ. Light didn't dare to open his eyes, but knew his face was a bright red. He was relieved when L just continued rubbing his torso, because maybe he hadn't noticed it…?

"Relax, Light-kun, it's a normal reaction when someone touches your body. Just relax."

Light decided to believe him (L had seen things more shocking than a naked male roommate getting hard, he was sure) and kept his eyes closed, enjoying L's hands and their ministrations. This was arousing, too much to hide, but Light decided L would be an epic idiot if he hadn't noticed Light's feelings yet. Why hadn't he done anything about it…? Something told Light that bad things happened he couldn't remember, but he pushed these thoughts away forcefully. He felt clean now, he was relaxed and L was there for him, touching him and unintentionally getting closer and closer to his hard-on. He washed the foam away he'd formed with shower gel (had he taken that too…?) and started with Light's thighs, even closer to his lightly throbbing erection that started pulsing harder when L touched the insides of his thighs.

"You can do your private parts yourself, Light-kun. I won't look."

Light blinked, L handed him the shower head and turned away. Light watched the shape of his back as he crouched on the floor, facing the door. He quickly washed his genitals and momentarily wondered if he could kill his arousal now, quickly, but decided it would be too obvious if he first was hard but not after a minute where he was supposed to wash it. He also didn't want to ruin the moment with a hand job. It wasn't worth it.

"Done."

He was still hard, but decided it didn't matter and let L finish his thighs with the shower gel. At least he was relaxed inside, though his blood was heated now, and he wanted to feel L's hands touching different parts of him than only his thighs and nipple. L dried him, helped him up and took a quick shower himself when Light fixed his hair (believe it or not but he also used mousse), and Light wasn't hard to keep busy for a little while if he had a mirror. Light was still Light and he didn't feel like hiding his narcissistic whims for L, it was no use and L understood it. Light loved him so much, he'd never meet a warmer person than L.

He tried to make his erection disappear by thinking about old ramen noodles, but he saw L behind him in the mirror and that definitely didn't help much. He stared at L's back, the broad shoulders and slim waist, slightly curved butt and muscular legs. L was thin, but he definitely had the right frame for that. Light could stare at him forever, but he'd rather touch him…

L quickly washed his hair and body (Light blushed when he saw L was washing his crotch) and dried himself nonchalantly, leaving drops of water on his back and neck, trailing down his white skin. He turned around and Light quickly looked at his blushing mirror image, and toyed some with his hair to once again hide he'd been staring at his sexy bedmate (they shared a bed. Officially they were bedmates). He smiled at L's reflection when he saw him walking closer, and blushed even harder when L wrapped his arms around him from behind, his damp body against Light's with only the towels around their hips separating important parts. He looked at L's face, to see L's reflection watching him, an emotion Light couldn't place in his eyes. He laid his hands on L's, who were resting on Light's belly, and stroked them. He was lightly tense because of the sudden close proximity (he and L were both practically naked, he'd never felt his body this close to his, so much skin and warmth), but enjoyed every sensation, from the drop of water from L's hair that trailed down his neck, to the beating of L's heart against his back. He didn't want to think. He just wanted to stay there, close to L and staring into these endless depths that were his eyes, in the warm and damp bathroom, clean and freed from the hospital he didn't want to think about either. Hmmm…

It was too bad that L sighed and released his grip around Light's waist, taking the toothbrushes and handing Light his. They brushed their teeth in silence, not looking at each other, but Light noticing both their faces were a little red. L…It was so obvious, actually…

He finished the standard two minutes of evening tooth-brushing and put his toothbrush and towels away, went to the bedroom and waited until L followed him. He put on boxers and laid down in their bed, watching L doing the same and turning off the lights. He crept into the bed, next to his should-be-lover, way closer than necessary; Light almost felt his warmth. He couldn't really see L, but it had been too long since he'd slept in a completely dark room, and loved it. He wished he could've seen L, though…Would he be staring at what he knew was Light, right now…? Then, they were practically staring at each other. Light smiled a little, though L couldn't see it.

"Ryuzaki…"

He didn't really know what he wanted to say. He just wanted an excuse to get closer to L, maybe L would just hold him if he said he wanted him to…?

"What is it, Light-kun?"

It felt so much like home. The complete darkness, the familiar sheets and the sound of L's voice, plus the simple knowledge that L was close to him. It made Light want to cry in happiness, but he decided the tears would most likely come later when he regained the stupid memories that seemed so unimportant right now.

"I hope we can always sleep next to each other."

It was perfectly true, so Light didn't see why he couldn't say it. He hoped he could always feel this safe and comfortable.

"I feel the same, Light-kun."

It was silent for a while, when Light felt the mattress and sheets move, and breathed in when L embraced him under those same sheets. Oh, this was arousing and comfortable…L's hands on his back, caressing his skin softly, the smell of his natural perfume and the shampoo he just used. His damp hair and the invisible butsoft hairs there where a vertebra pointed out under his skin. Light closed his eyes and rolled on his back, dragging L on top of him. L soothed Light's shoulders and sighed softly, barely audible, but Light felt his chest move a little. L was so warm, so soft and he smelled so good…He held Light so gently and tight at the same time…Light felt so safe right now, and so loved. No matter what happened, L still liked him. He maybe liked Light too the way Light liked him…

No, not 'maybe'. There was no straight guy in the world who'd hug another guy this intimate, half-naked and actually in bed. L was pretty weird and unusual, but even he wouldn't do things like that, right…? Why would he do it? Curiosity, affection, interest, real love and desire, or guilt…? Would he only act this affectionate to comfort Light…? The questions were fading away slowly as Light became more and more aware of his own body. It was hot everywhere, still relaxed grace to L's hands, but more energetic than anywhere since…it. His blood rushed through his veins, his heart pounded like a madman and his breath had fastened a little. His lower body was tense and unconsciously arched into L, and Light knew he was half-hard. L didn't pull back, Light even thought he felt something hard against his thigh.

Really, why didn't L do anything…? Why weren't they together yet? What had happened, what had made that they couldn't admit love to each other…? Light stroked L's waist, enjoying his soft skin and hard muscles, wondering why he could do that but still couldn't call L his lover. L had a thing for Light too, he at least liked to touch his body. Was all this only to make Light feel better, and did L do all this because he happened to feel attracted to Light (that couldn't be denied, L had literarily called Light's body 'great', and the hardness against Light's thigh said the rest)...? Light wished he knew, and wondered if he could ask, but he was sure L would say he had to regain his memories. Stupid memories…

He thought he knew what happened. L rejected him because he thought he was Kira (the days before 'it' he and L had been so close that he'd decided to tell L soon, so…), Light ran away, things happened and that was why L felt so terribly guilty. But L at least really liked him too, it was so obvious Light wouldn't be surprised if he then told L he loved him. If nothing would've happened, he would've been kissing and licking L's tongue right now. Oh, no, wait…L thought he was Kira, apparently, so they couldn't be together…?

But…Light wasn't Kira…

"Ryuzaki…"

"…?"

"Why aren't we together…?"

He almost _felt_ L blink and frown at the sudden question. He had to admit it was a blunt question, but he had to know. He wanted to be together with L, to kiss him and much more, he wanted to tell L he loved him. He wanted to know his love was returned, for sure.

He actually felt how L tilted his head to the side and lifted himself to his elbows, arms on either side of Light's chest, his hands still holding Light's shoulder blades. His lower body pressed against Light's, creating friction and pressure that made Light want to grind his hips into L's, _now_. He shifted a little, creating friction and with that a hotness he'd never felt before, as if his blood suddenly became twice as hot, first in his lower regions, and it spread itself through his whole body, to his fingers who stretched and tensed, and his toes who curled into the sheets beneath them. He was so terribly hot right now…He was sure L noticed.

"That's hard to explain."

L's voice was deeper than usual and a little hoarse, and it sent shudders all over Light's body. He however managed to frown, though L couldn't see it.

"Try to. What does it matter if you tell me now? I think you rejected me because you thought I was Kira, I ran away or something, bad things happened and now you feel guilty. Please stop believing it was your fault, when you reject someone you don't expect or want things like that to happen."

Light felt the touch of a finger slide over his jaw line, from his ear to his chin, and his heart beated erratically when he felt a pair of lips press a kiss on his cheek.

"You are so damn smart, Light-kun, I can't believe it."

Light thought he'd get a heart attack from all the sensations, thoughts and feelings his brain and heart were overflowed with. L's body and scent, his hardness, Light's own blood, the heavy tingles where L's lips had just been, and the possibilities of what happened…This was so much, but Light felt like he could handle so many more impressions, more sensations and truths, as long as L would love him and like his body. He wanted L, so badly. He wanted his hands, everywhere, he wanted his body, lips and tongue, as soon as possible…

"Ryuzaki, I'm not Kira and you know it…"

L sighed softly and pressed another kiss on Light's cheek.

"I know, and I feel bad about the way it all turned out, you know."

Light soothed the back of L's head and kissed the velvety cheek he could easily find with his lips. He moved to L's ear and kissed his earlobe.

"I think I know how it is to feel bad, Ryuzaki…"

Light felt L shudder when he breathed the words in his ear, and arched into him, creating that magical friction again. Light closed his eyes. Oh my, this felt good.

"It's just…I want to know what you really feel for me…"

There were L's lips again, on his cheek, slowly making their way to Light's lips by kissing lower and lower, making Light relax his face completely in such a strange manner it made his heart beat even faster. L's lips left tingles everywhere, until they finally found Light's and kissed him carefully, his lips so delicious that Light immediately parted his lips to taste more L. Their lips were full and moist against the other's and L tasted so amazing that Light was instantly addicted and licked L's lips, but L pulled back hesitantly before he pecked Light on his mouth and started kissing him with only his lips, very careful and soft. Hm, he'd expect L to be a more aggressive kisser… Not that he didn't like this, it was more that he'd expect L to plunge his tongue down Light's throat and practically attack the insides of his mouth, in the way that could make one moan in pleasure. L sure was a good kisser, Light had never kissed anyone like this, so loving and deliciously tasting, but he felt like this wasn't L's natural way to kiss. He broke the kiss (his first kiss with L…Wow, his heart jumped up when he realized it), regretted that immediately because he longed for more, but he had to say it.

"You're allowed to kiss harder, Ryuzaki, I'm not made out of porcelain or something…"

L kissed him deeply for a few seconds before he pulled back an inch, his toothpaste breath warming and cooling Light's lips at the same time as he talked.

"You feel so vulnerable, that's all…"

Because of what happened, Light knew. Sigh…

"If you feel so guilty, why can't you make me forget and kiss how you'd naturally do, Ryuzaki?"

L was silent for a few seconds, before he pressed his lips on Light's and kissed him with so much fire that Light's head swooned. It was now L who parted his lips and licked Light's, their tongues met and both started breathing faster. L's tongue was so hot, skilled and wet, his skin smelled so good and he kissed Light so longingly it made Light melt completely. He felt his legs going completely limp, while his hips moved into L's, his arms forced L's head closer and his whole chest was on fire. Oh, God, L was such an amazing kisser!

Light grabbed a handful of L's hair and pulled at it, his other hand clawing at L's back and his hips moving against L's that made him feel like he was constantly struck by lightning in his crotch. The kiss broke when both really had to pant for air, and Light licked the saliva on his lips. It tasted good. Not really sweet, L had brushed his teeth and it was weird for people themselves to taste like sugar, but just…good. These kisses were the first one Light ever really enjoyed, not a kiss as a failing experiment, for his ego or because it came in handy. This was real. Fucking real.

L panted too and his hardness pressed into Light's thigh, and his hands were clawed into his shoulder blades lightly. But suddenly he shifted away from Light, startling the brunet.

"What are you doing?"

Suddenly the room appeared, the black curtains and the bloody red sheets they slept under, and a half-naked L with a big tent in his boxers. His cheeks were red and a little sweaty, and his hand just clicked the light on.

"I wanted to see you."

He lay back on top of Light and stared at his face. Light stared back, amazed by how close L was and how sexy he looked. His eyes were half-lidded and a blush defined his cheeks and the bridge of his nose as if he were a little child. He watched how L moved closer again and closed his eyes when he kissed Light. It was beautiful.

The kissing sessions continued and continued, and Light couldn't get enough of it, but at a certain moment (it was 3:48AM, according to the clock on the nightstand), Light was so dazed that he knew he'd however fall asleep, and the intensity of the kisses faded until only butterfly kisses on his cheeks remained. Light fell asleep with the sensation of tired but tingling lips, thanks to L's.

He was fast asleep when L rolled off him and turned his love to his side, his face to L, and laid down too to stare at Light for a while longer. There was no regret in his eyes about what just happened. It was regret about what he'd done longer ago.

After he turned off the light, he crept closer and embraced Light softly, when a terribly bad feeling about the next day penetrated his soul. Tomorrow…No, today, it was 4:05AM, something terrible was going to happen.

And L Lawliet knew what it was going to be.


End file.
